I had to hurry to be at school in time to catch the bus. I don't like to walk, the bus makes me sick and I have no friends. There's no one I know or who talks to me. Am I the only one who doesn't like to drive around in a bus for two hours or more? The other people made so much noise. It did hurt my head. I didn't want to be on a bus, I didn't want to walk for hours and I didn't want to go back home. I lie if I say there's no place like home or perhaps it isn't a lie. My home is a terrible place to be it isn't great at all. I thought of what is worse being home or sitting in that bus to join an endless walk for no reason. I can't see any fun in it. Walking for a medal isn't a hobby of mine. My feet still hurt from last Saturday and now I have even more blisters and blood.
I tried to sleep on the bus. Sleeping is hard though. I wish I could kill time while reading but I can't. If I read in a vehicle I get a headache and start vomiting beside the bus stinks.
I wish people wouldn't make such a terrible noise. Why are they always talking so loud?
I came back home at the end of the day. The whole day it was grey and cold outside. As the bus arrived it was dark. On my way home there are four street lights. It isn't that far although my painful bleeding feet make it hard to walk. No one waited for me as the bus arrived. My parents don't care. The only thing they care about is getting rid of me.
I stood behind the gate and waited. I hesitated because I didn't feel well. I asked myself why I should enter if it matters if I turn around and leave. Home doesn't feel like a home and my parents don't like me. Perhaps they can't help. I am not sure if I would like me if I was my child. I know they wouldn't miss me, my parents, I mean. My mother tells me several times a day how much she hates me. If she gives me something she always does with the same words "I don't give this to you because I love you but because I hate you so much".
I am not what my parents wanted or hoped for. And my parents? They don't feel like my parents, they are strangers to me. I thought my dad liked me but he does not. My parents are people I don't think I like. I don't feel love or hate. It's empty inside of me. I think I have no feelings. The thing is I am a child and there's no other place to go.
Dogs have a better life than me.
They all shut their eyes to what goes on in our house. They know my mother is crazy. My father does, the whole family does and I am sure at school people to know and the neighbours know it too.
Saturday
February 6, 2021
" Same old story same old song..."
That's what my life looks like. It doesn't matter how I feel if I'm tired or sick. I have to get out of bed early and work.
Today it's Sunday. Sunday means breakfast at bed for my parents, cleaning the house, Sunday school and back at home sitting on a chair for the rest of the day.
After my dad read the newspaper he dictated words I had to write down. All those words are difficult and he doesn't care if I heard them before or I had them at school. He says I have to be the best student of all. I don't want to be the best student and I don't like to write down bring words but if I refuse he will be angry. I am not allowed to refuse ever or say what is on my mind. I am not allowed to sing either. My dad says if you cannot sing if you don't know the words you have to keep your mouth shut. He can sing but I can not. He doesn't want me to say how I feel either. He says feelings don't matter only facts do. If I don't have facts I need to keep silence. I keep my mouth shut because it is the best thing to do. Only my mother never does. She can say what she likes, scream, yells and tells things everyone knows it isn't true. She always lies but he never tells her to keep her mouth shut.
I wrote down the words he read in the newspaper:
Finances
Politicians
Economical crisis
delectable-aroma
concentration-of-disadvantage
and more words I never heard of.
I didn't write it all in the right way and had to write every wrong word two hundred times. Two hundred isn't as much as five hundred or one thousand times like the teacher makes us do when we write something wrong but my hand still hurts.
Sunday
February 7, 2021
I am out of words. I think I am ill.
Monday
February 8, 2021
We had a test at school. I sat at my desk and couldn't make it. I tried, looked at all those numbers but thinking was too hard. I tried but it was pointless.
I can not count. The teacher knows but I still had to write the test and she did not send me to the corner to think about what I did wrong.
I never know what I did wrong anyway. No one explains it to me. It's the same if it comes to maths. No one explains it they think they did but if I don't understand it they didn't do their job right. My dad says the teacher gets paid for explaining and stupid questions do not exist.
My teacher is old very old.
Tuesday
February 9, 2021
It was someone's birthday. The birthday child came to our class and gave the teacher something to eat, the cake it was. The teacher let him choose a postcard. Each teacher at school gives you something on your birthday and you can ask two children to come along.
I have no friends so I never know who to ask. The bullies are suddenly friendly if it's your birthday because they want you to ask them. I don't like to ask children who are peaking at me. They make false promises but aren't real friends. Since my friends left school I only play with Ellen once in a while if we meet outside.
I don't like birthdays.
Wednesday
February 10, 2021
In the afternoon I went to gymnastics. More time to kill the bullies. The teacher is deaf and blind. She must be.
Thursday
February 11, 2022
Handcrafts at school were okay but the rest of the day was bad.
It was hard to get out of bed. My mother yelled at me and said I am stupid and clumsy. She said I can't do anything right, break everything and she wishes I was never born. She kept yelling at me and said I am exactly like my dad. I was sent to bed at 5 p.m. and that was my day.
Friday
February 12, 2021
My aunt came to visit us but I don't know why. I don't know her. She's my dad's sister and doesn't talk much. My mother hates her and my aunt doesn't like my mother. I can see that but she never says it. My mother and my aunt were at the same school. They knew each other before my dad met my mother. I think my mother was a bully at school. I think she bullied my aunt. My mother believes she is perfect and beautiful, she is the queen. She is not kind to people and many fear her. I am sure as a child she already was a monster.
My grandpa did not like her either and my grandmother fears her too. If my mother is angry and threatens her says she will leave my grandmother begs her not to. I wish my mother would leave. She isn't a kind of good person.
Saturday
February 13, 2021
We visited my granny. She is back in hospital. My dad says she can die. I don't remember the name of her illness. It's something with her blood and she wakes up with blue spots allover her body. I dont want her to die because she is the only one who likes me and plays with me and I write her letters. I cannot tell everything but I write her long letters and she writes me back. She does if she can.
I didn't see my uncle. Perhaps he stayed at school.
Sunday
February 14, 2021
A kid's diary
I hope she won't hurt her
So mixed up
It's about politics as usual
Screaming, crying doesn't help
Of a fierce nihilism, I loved it....