So mixed up

My mother paints the walls. Just those in the hallways. We have wallpaper in the living. It feels soft like cloth. The other rooms have wallpaper too. For some reason, she's painting the walls of the hallways downstairs and on the two other floors. The dark green is nice but the blue and other colour. I think she was mixing the colours by herself. I don't know what to say but she knows what I think. She says she can read my face. Reading my face is a good reason for her to beat me up.
Perhaps she lost her job and she spends more time at home now? I don't hope so. I was glad I was at school for some hours. Now I didn't have to see the mess at home.

Friday
January 22, 2021


I cleaned the house and went shopping with my dad. I wonder why we always need to shop.
On Saturdays, the bakery delivers so much bread, cookies, cakes and pies. Once a week the man with the chicken legs stops by. We buy cheese, perhaps eggs too. On Fridays, my mother buys flowers, plants, meat and groceries. On Saturdays, she frequently buys fish for the aquarium, antiques and clothes for herself. How can one need that much?

The chairs at the dining table are still not repaired by my dad. It's long ago we bought the wicker. It's still there in a bucket filled with water. It needs to be soft if you want to use it.

My grandmother came to visit us. My dad picked her up at the train station. Where she lives is one too. It's not far at the end of her street. If I stay with her I can hear the train and see it's lights on the ceiling of the bedroom. At first, it is noise but you get used to it just like the aeroplanes. Where I live you always hear the aeroplanes.

Today we are soup and bread. The soup is not homemade but comes from a can. The brand is Unox. The bread comes from the bakery. It's good but I don't like the honey on it. It's like a dry crust on my bread and spoils everything. The smell of it makes me gag and so does the piece of bread in my throat. I wish my dad would get rid of those bees.

Saturday
January 23, 2021


At first, Job had a great life and next his life was bad. I don't know if I like him but that he scratches himself with pieces of a bowl or so is interesting. I always feel itchy too and my parents tie me up in bed. Not that it helps. The pills, creams and injections, all those tests don't help me either. The doctor said what I am not allowed but my mother doesn't care about what he says.
I am glad we do no longer visit the hospital. The doctor and my mother always blame me for everything. They don't want to hear me, the truth and not one of these doctors or meds ever helped me.

It was dirty dessert day again. I had to eat it and did not. I sat at the table she scolds at me, hit me and left because it took her too long. I don't like chipolata pudding and I don't like macaroon pudding. If she likes it that much she can have mine. What's wrong with yoghurt or nothing?

Sunday
January 24, 2021


Yesterday my grandmother arrived by train. She isn't a person who likes children and plays with them. She doesn't tell stories or smiles if she sees me and hardly talks to me. I say 'hi', and 'goodbye', and 'good morning' and kiss her although I don't want to.
I don't like to shake hands and kiss on command. It doesn't matter if it's family or strangers I just don't like people to touch me.
I believe my grandmother doesn't like it either but she cannot refuse because all people do it and she cares about what people think about her, think and say. She says everyone knows her and always knits. She made me some mittens out of wool. They are too small and won't keep my hands warm. I said "thank you" and tried them on to please her. She didn't look happy and ignored me for the rest of the day. At night she left by train.

She gave me her old train ticket which was nice. I keep it. The train conductor made a small hole in the ticket.

My mother still paints the walls.

Monday
January 25, 2021


I cannot help I feel sad at times or most of the time. I don't know if there's a good reason to feel how I feel. Perhaps I am not a happy person. Not everyone is born happy, lives in a happy family. I have no friends and my family doesn't like me. I don't think the teachers do and other people. Everyone here is white except me and my dad. I am a mixture and people don't like that. Some say I am a gipsy but the gipsies look different from me. Totally different. My mother and her mother don't like me either. I have an ugly face my mother says. I don't think she likes to have a black child. If she was married to Hans I wouldn't be black but white. White with blond hair. She liked Hans but Hans is German and my granddad did not want her to be married to a German. I think that's why she married my dad to make my grandpa angry but grandpa is dead. He knew what she did and can no longer help her. He cannot give her money perhaps my grandmother does now.

Tuesday
January 26, 2021


Time passes by so slowly. I have nothing to tell. The Christmas trees outside are gone. All trees are trash now. It's still winter and we do not have a new housekeeper yet. I saw Ellen outside. We played for a while.

Wednesday
January 27, 2021


Have you ever counted the times you wipe a door or the other things you clean? My mother does. The doorway needs to be wiped out a total of 45 times. Each doorway. We have 16 doors. The doors need to wiped and many things more. It's all in my mother's head how many times you need to wipe things clean, how many buckets of water, how much time you need to clean a room, the hallway, living, toilet, kitchen...
A bedroom takes 1.5 hours. If you do it faster she says it's dirty and you can do it again. No one can do it better than she. It's in her head and the booklet the one she wrote for the housekeeper.

It's in her head and now it's in mine too. I always hear her voice...one, two, three, up, four, five, down, six, seven, eight, and up, nine, ten, eleven, at the top, twelve, thirteen, fourteen, at the side, fifteen, sixteen, seventeen...

Thursday
January 28, 2021


My pot is ready. It looks great but I don't know where to leave if. If my mother sees it and knows I like it she will break it. Perhaps I can give it to dad or perhaps I should not because it makes her mad. Mad at me and dad. I can hide it in his cupboard in the garage where he keeps his tools but I am not allowed to be there.

Friday
January 29, 2021

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