August 04, 2021
What’s up? Here I am again at your screen telling the fraction of my life. Well, I am not scared to share something personal here because this is my safe space. Aside from that, you didn’t know my full identity so, yeah.
⚠ For today’s article, the topic will revolve around traumas, childhood, friends, and my personality. If you don’t feel good, you’re not in the mood, or feeling blue, reading this may worsen those feelings, I guess. So better skip this and find other articles from great authors or you can check my other articles as well.
If you’re still here, I appreciate it very much.
Let’s have a little throwback.
I did not originally live in Bacoor. I was born in Muntinlupa and raised there until 4.
I often get sick in the place we lived back then because our environment is not that nice; there are open canals, when it rains it gets flooded, and the place is overly crowded.
My grandmother suggested that my parents should move out of the place. My parents followed her advice and used their savings to buy a house here in Cavite. Since then, I rarely get ill.
In my new life here in Bacoor, I made new friends. That time I was still shy but I am proud when I had the courage to approach the little kids across the neighborhood.. However, little did I know, that move will forever change me and shape my personality.
Since I was a child, my movements were different from the norms set by society. I am a soft young boy and I get bullied because of that.
I will never forget the question my friend asked me, "bakla ka ba?". In english, "Are you gay?".
I answered no. I have no perception of a straight and gay guy and the difference between them back then.
That moment, they were not convinced. They started to question my sexuality. I repeatedly deny their accusations but they are not satisfied and teased me even more.
I can't imagine that at the age of 4-5 years old I am already receiving such treatment. I am just a child who wants to make friends and play outside. Who the hell are they to treat a pure and innocent child like that?
I am angry and teary eyed while writing this. I don't deserve that. I pity myself.
Since then, my friends make fun of me. When we are playing outside, they will tease me, saying that I am gay, bakla, bayot. They will get more excited if I get pissed or cry.
I was a victim of bullying since I was a child. But as an innocent individual, I have no idea that it's not normal. I thought it was part and stage of childhood. How stupid I am.
Things continued that way. For several years, I ate those insults and let them flow into my system.
One time, my friends were playing tamaang tsinelas, a filipino game where the loser gets punished. I was the loser at that moment and I am ready to take the consequences. However, exactly at that time, my mother had the chance to cross our playing area to go back to our home, when my friend suddenly shouted, "Ate, I will make your son a real man!".
Everyone laughed of course. I believe that some of the adults near us also participated in the laughing marathon. I got embarrassed.
I didn't have the chance to take a glimpse of my mother's reaction because I am too ashamed.
Later that day, when I got home, my mother scolded me. She said that I should not let my friends treat me that way.
I feel sorry for my younger self. Sorry that I didn't have the courage to defend you. Sorry that I am not there to say stop to your bullies.
I can't clearly remember the things that happened after that incident. But things have changed since then.
I found myself inside of my house often, usually checking the window to see if my friends were there.
If I see them playing outside. I feel afraid, irrationally shy, and nervous. I want to join them but I can stop myself thinking about things – what if they tease me again?
Even now, 10+ years after those incidents, I am still afraid and nervous when I see them staying outside, I feel uncomfortable when I walk near them, I feel that anytime that they will say something to me.
Since everything we want to know is on the internet, I tried searching for some possible explanation why I feel and act that way. Some of the results showed that I have severe anxiety and maybe a trauma. Well, I don't confirm that I was diagnosed with these problems as I haven't consulted with experts yet.
I partly blame my childhood friends for why I am like this. For why I am scared and uncomfortable with social interactions. For why I am scared of judgement. For why I am scared to express myself. For why I have low self esteem. For why I had a hard time accepting and loving myself. They destroy me.
But to be honest, I don't really know who to blame. They were children, too, back then. They didn't know what they were doing. They were dumb.
Maybe I should blame their parents? For not educating and disciplining their child? For letting their child bully another child?
Regardless, if you are reading this, please pledge to me that I am the last person who will experience this. Educate, educate, educate yourself. Do not tolerate any kind of bullying. And if you're the one who bullies, please stop and don't destroy the future of another person.
You can read my recent articles...
Awwww I'm sorry to hear about your experience. There will always be people who don't know how to respect others. It's so sad when it happens. I hope you feel better in time...