When you see your friend cheating on his partner, do you decide to stay out of it because that is none of your business? When you know someone planning to take advantage of some do you just walk by and pretend you did not hear anything?
I find it weird how our eyes suddenly turn blind when our friends are doing bad things. How we refuse to see what they are doing is wrong and try to help them hide their tracks.
Is that true friendship?
I hope not.
I find it hard to trust people because I experienced it first hand. The classmates of my ex knew he had a girlfriend. I even joined them to lunch and hangouts sometimes. They knew me and yet, without me there they were shipping my ex with someone else. And their friends are doing their best to hide it from me.
Some of them are even my co-scholars. We were literally sometimes sitting next to each other on the scholars' room and yet no one ever told me anything. I had to bear the pain of being dumped via chat and then not even a week passed, I would see a picture of a girl that he told me was just his food buddy. I did not know then that they were actually sampling each other.
When I saw his classmates on my to our laboratory room, I remember they could not bear to look me in the eye. And I remember the anger I felt then. But what use is it getting angry at them? Why did I even expect them to have the decency to tell me what was happening just because we shared some good times together?
Is it friendship to stay silent when you know someone is getting cheated on? Is it not your business because you're not the one getting cheated on or not the one cheating?
I find it hard to trust someone else. I find hard to believe that it will not happen again. It's funny because I have long since forgotten the pain of realizing what happened in my past relationship and yet the fear remains. It's funny because the one I am talking to is trying his best to show me that he cares and yet, I still find myself clinging to my fragile walls. I brought down most of my defenses to show him who I am but still, I cannot be fully open with him yet. What if what happened in the past happens again? What will I do then?
The doubts never seem to leave me, and I fear for the future sometimes. What if his friends will cover for him if he ever did anything like that? I want to say I trust him, and it would be true. But fear is illogical and even with the trust that I have in him, I still can't help feeling scared sometimes.
Especially when I see people try to defend their friends who are cheating. People who pretend they know nothing just so they will not have to deal with anyone's problems. People who knows something yet never told others because they find it too troublesome to do.
When you see someone hitting their children close to death then claim that it is because the child is a demon incarnate, will you close your eyes and pretend to not see the truth for what it is? Will you cover your ears to not hear the pleas of a child begging for someone to believe them?
Tell me honestly because this world is starting to sicken me. Feeling nauseous for someone else and not being able to do anything about it is driving me crazy.
I want to point my fingers to people who watch as if it some sort of entertainment. A drama brought to life. I want to scream and ask them why do they find this thing entertaining?
This thing with being a bystander to violence because you do not want to be involved. Because you decided it is not worth the trouble.
Fear has a way of keeping us stuck in a place of not doing anything.
But to become a monster too? To turn judgemental eyes on a child just because the mother is great at playing victim, that is something that sparks my hate for people.
How could I believe in some good in this world when I see things like this with no hope of it ever changing. How could anyone claim it is because of lack of faith when my knees bled from kneeling too much begging for mercy, for some escape for a loved one?
How can I still face myself in the mirror when I am smiling as if to pretend nothing is happening?
How can I still leave feeling phantom aches of wound and bruises that are not mine?
How can I look at myself when all I could see is puffy face?
How can I trust the world so cruel?
How can I believe in humanity when even I cannot move past my fear?
How I wish you would accept my offered hand. But maybe that is just my excuse for turning a blind eye too, for putting pillows on my face trying to stop the breath just so I would not need to face the fact that I am scared to move too.
How can I call myself a friend when I am willingly staying by the sidelines. Sure, I can excuse it that it is a request, a plea I could not ignore. But how could I rest when I know that if it had been me i would have wanted help to get out.
When you see a tree about to fall to an ignorant stranger, will you shout or will you stay in fear and watch as the tree crushed someone?
Would you be the same as the photographer I know of years ago. Won an award for a picture that captures the essence of war. Hidden by the tall posts, capturing the scene of a girl being killed by soldiers. A gunshot to the forehead, apples to the ground.
Would you have been able to stomach any food after witnessing a horror like that?
People find it weird that I am not afraid of horror movies. But how can I find that scary when I am faced with horrors in real life. Atleast horror movies can be paused or can be stopped anytime. But the horrors I have to bear witness to never stops.
I want to help, but how?
I want to curse the world until my throat bleeds but that will do nothing but waste my energy.
I want to blame someone.
Anyone.
Just please.
Make the horror stop.
I do not know how long I can keep having sleepless nights overthinking the horrors that may befall someone I love.
Closing words
This is a bit of a heavy and emotional article. I actually find it hard to write but I needed to get it off my chest.
Thank you for reading this article!
If you want to read some more articles of mine, I have monthly summaries here:
September 2021 Articles Summary
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I am so guilty into this. I mean, I really mind my own business at ayaw ko talagang nakikialam dahil ayaw kong mapagmulan ng away. If it's me I will just keep it to myself and wait fo that friend to discover it on her own - for example is yong cheating nga. I'll keep my silence and what I discovered will just remain a secret in my head. Some good friend I am right 🤦🤦🤦.