Our senses are definitely the reason why we enjoy life as it is. Missing one does not mean not fully experiencing life, though, for other senses try to compensate for the loss of one.
However, there are certain instances when one of the senses bring back more memories than other senses. For me, it is the sense of smell.
Smelling certain things usually have an effect on how I went about my day. For example, smelling my mother's special foods usually bring back fond memories. A smell of tinapek will bring back memories on my vacation days spent in Batangas. The aroma of my favorite viand eill remind me of the time I got sick and refused to eat but my mother cook somethinf special just for me.
While my sense of smell is not the best, I can confidently say that I can associate certain smell with people, and events.
Petrichor is the distinct smell before it rains. It is also the smell of sadness for me. I have a good relationship with rain.
It has kept me company when I feel alone, and is there for me when I cried. But smelling the earth scent of its arrival is usually accompanied by a melancholy mood settling upon my shoulders.
This scent is the one I smelled before I faced my nightmares that turned to reality. It is the smell that followed me as I try to shield myself from the world.
But now, the petrichor is nowhere around me. Yet the melancholy embraces my whole being. This feeling of gloom hanging over me feels especially heavy today.
How could I still feel the loss when two years have passed already? How can I still feel the pai of losing something that was supposed to be just mine?
The ache of when I woke up and realized what had happened still haunts me. The emptiness that followed the realization refused to leave.
Even now as I write this, I feel nothing. I think I ahould feel sad, because losing a part of me should have made me grieve. But instead, I jist want to be free from these memories.
I just want to forget the heavy feeling of rocks in my stomach. Forget the way I just went about my day like a robot. I just want to erase the days when I was completely falling apart and yet even my closest friends and family did not see anything wrong.
Perhaps, this pain is meant to stay. Perhaps, I had buried the ache too deep that it has taken roots into my very being, and there is no hope of removing it from me.
Was it a mistake? Surely. But would I have been able to do good despite it all? I don't know. And I will never know.
All I know right now is that there is a deep longing in me for something that I will nevee get to touch. How I wished I was given a chance to fight. But sometimes, battles are just never meant to be fought nor won.
This part of me stays when I thought I had removed it. The smell of my perfume on this day two years ago, still refuses to leave my mind.
I could feel the phantom ache sometimes. The way my insides felt like they were being squished out of me. And me spending the bight curled up, half-asleep and just losing consiousness between the bouts of pain.
The feeling of waking up and knowing that something is wrong. The sensation of knowing that I had lost something that I did not knew I wanted.
This haunts me. And my body remembers. Even now, it still refused to let me forget. Even now, I still wake up from nightmares.
Dreams of waking up in my old space where I slept, the smell of tears and perfume mixing. Something claws at my heart, then, and I prayed so hard. It still was not enough.
It may have been a blessing in disguise. However, even knowing that makes me more sad. It bring me down much more. Even though it is a blessing in the long run, the part of me remembers what it felt like before I lost it all. I am not sure if I will ever be able to be ready for it again.
Closing words
I am feeling pretty drained already. I have been in from of my laptop from 8:00am to 7:00pm. Some of those were spent taking quizzes. The first quiz was kinda easy despite the fact that I did not study for it. The choices made a huge difference. On the other hand, the second one brought some frustration for me. I felt frustrated for not having reviewed any of the materials so there were 2 items that I was not able to compute. But still, just 2 numbers out of all the problems seem like good enough for me.
Most of all though, I just feel tired. I just want to ignore my backlogs for a while. Sure, I might regret it in the future but for now, I need to relax. I need to exist in a space where I will not entertain thoughts related to academics.
Thank you for reading this article!
If you want to read some more articles of mine, I have monthly summaries here:
September 2021 Articles Summary
To show my appreciation for the support that I have been receiving, please accept a small gift I prepared for the first reader.
You don't really have to feel bad it happens it a reminder that tells us we are humans we have this feelings so we might be loved and also get hurt in the process so all you should do now is to concentrate and divert all you attentionon that quizzes and you are going to be alright