Shame comes knocking
In life, shame is probably one of the things that is similar for everyone. Most of us treat shame as something to be kept for ourselves, something to be hidden from everyone else. It is not meant to be shared, or so we thought.
Recently, I started reading a book written by Brené Brown called "The Gifts of Imperfection: Embrace Who You Are". The book started with Dr. Brown sharing about her years studying shame and what she found about it.
I am not going to go too deep into the book as that is not what I wanted to share with you. Basically, what I learned from what I read so far is that shame is something we as humans share with each other. It is an experience that connects us yet because of our secrecy with the shame we carry, it also alienates us.
Shame, according to Dr. Brown, is natural and it thrives on secrecy. So when we share our shameful story or experience with someone then we do not give shame power over us.
The book that I was reading is actually focused about wholehearted living. She describes shame first and foremost as it is an important aspect of accepting who we are.
One thing that stuck on my mind (nonverbatim) is when I read about how when we own our stories then shame has no place in our lives.
Today a personal thing happened. Imagine how happy I felt waking up late and everything was going smoothly (too smoothly in fact). If life was a novel, I would have known something was wrong but as this is reality, I would not notice anything amiss until a few hours later.
At exactly 1:43PM, our class representative sent a message on our group chat announcing the names of the people who had to retake the final examination for PLC. My worst fears came true, my name is on the list. The list was followed with the following messages:
“Most of them, nahuling nagkopyahan, parehas na parehas ang sagot, pero mali”
“announce ko nlng kailan ang date, pagsabayin nlng all 3 blocks”
("Most of them are caught cheating. They have the same wrong answers."
"I will announce the date so that the 3 blocks can retake the examination at the same time.")
I know for a fact that I did not cheat so I failed because I answered majority of the questions wrong. My first instinct when I saw my name on it was to beat myself up over it. I thought of how stupid I was and how I should have done better.
However as I did that, I caught myself when I remembered the book I was reading. It actually helped me choose self-kindness this time.
Yes, it was embarassing to see my name on the list amongst the names of the cheaters. Yes, I feel sad about it. Maybe I could have done better. But the fact remains that it already happened.
There is no use beating up myself over it. Some classmates went into the test with an idea already of what the questions were and what setup it will be while I went in blind.
This was the finals where we were just given 2 minutes to make a program and write it down. So it was time pressured and my mind went blank.
I actually feel embarrassed about it and I still do. In my whole academic life, I never once had to retake a major examination. Sure, I failed examinations before but it was not a common occurence. So I felt really out of touch when I saw the message.
Thankfully, Moshi was right here already distracting me from my sadness. Also, when I found out about it, I immediately told my partner about it.
I was hesitant at first as I did not want a moment like this to be known by anyone else. But I think about how the strangers in the group chat already know about it so I might as well share it with my partner. It was a good decision too, as I felt better when I admitted to myself that what happened is not just a bad dream.
Then I thought about how this is something that I would like to share as well. Following the lessons in the book I am reading, I want to be able to share a moment where I felt deep shame. It is just a way to say, "you are not alone, I experienced that as well" to people who might be encountering a similar experience.
It is incredibly personal and I feel really vulnerable writing this. But to be honest, I felt a lot better now than when I first started writing this. I guess owning up my story really does magic to my emotions.
Closing words
Self-love is a continuous journey. It is something that I am learning again and again especially when I encounter moments like these. It would have been easier to wallow in despair and self-pity but I choose to be kind to myself instead. I failed yet I also gained something for myself. I failed but I still have an opportunity to make it better. So I choose to focus on the opportunity instead of focusing on my failure.
Now I need to play the waiting game. But since I have an idea of how everything will go, I think I have a decent change of success on my retake.
To anyone who is struggling with something similar, I hope that you too will choose to be kind on yourselves today. I feel you, and I understand a bit. Yet I know that we will get through this.
Thank you for reading this article!
If you want to read some more articles of mine, I have monthly summaries here:
December 2021 Articles Summary
November 2021 Articles Summary
September 2021 Articles Summary
To show my appreciation for the support that I have been receiving, please accept a small gift I prepared for the first reader.
Sabihin mo man na dika nagcheat, na ginaw amo best mo or ano sasabihin oarin nila na nagcheat ka. Since exam sya and kunv multiple choice at identification normal lang magkapare-pareho answers maliban sa essay. Dimo naman need maguilty o ano, ginawa mo best mo at dimo ginusto yun