Eyes small and wide fixed into the laptop screen, the music was playing while Matti sits on his father's lap. He closes and opens his palm, acting like it's a star, he got a favorite music video now at 13 months - Twinkle Twinkle Little Stars. He points to the screen and turns to me, then smiled while he utters the words "mama". Oh, my heart! This baby is just over a year old! How many months, weeks, or days will it take for him to be able to converse with mama? This thought excites me.
As a first-time mother, everything that is going on with my baby is something that just causes me to a deep realization of how unexplainable a mother's love can be. It's all happiness, delight, joy, anxiousness, worry, emotion, drama, and excitement all mixed up, and at this moment, while staring at my baby, I got this butterfly sensation of joy but I am also anxious about what life he'll have especially in this generation.
I got out of my imagination when he started crying, his point finger still at the monitor. The music video just ended and he wants to play it once again, it's the third time that we had pressed the replay button. He had also developed an attitude! He would cry, shout, closes his fists, and draws our hand to move the computer mouse. Worse, he would slap anyone near him if the video isn't replayed. At this point, we won't play the video again and this decision won't be changed.
The husband told me that we must only let him watch videos on the computer or the tv twice a day, every after bath time. I have a soft heart of course and oftentimes, in the past three days, I would give in to Matti's demands but I realized, husband's right, we have to set limitations and we must be the ones controlling our child at this point and not the other way around.
I determined to get him out of the computer screen and we sat inside his playpen for actual play. He enjoys throwing his toys now from inside of the pen and then goes out of it and then throws the toys again inside. It's a cycle.
When he is over it, he'd go to the car and would ask me to push him around the room. He would say "mana" with conviction which means all done and gets out of the car. And since he can walk now by himself, although he needs more practice with his balance, he can go to wherever he wanted faster.
Matti has shown great progress, he had reached several milestones in just a few weeks after celebrating his birthday. His first attempt at walking by himself happened unexpectedly, it was the first of September when he just let go of the couch and strolled towards me. I was caught off guard, I wasn't able to open my phone camera when he was walking slowly, arms open, managing his steps, and finding the courage to proceed to the end of his goal. I was just stunned at that moment, I was happy to know that he can walk now but I was also tearing up inside because it is another means of him letting go of my hand. He won't need my support soon in terms of walking and direction. He will walk and soon run to wherever he wanted and that scares me a bit.
In this age and generation, it is undeniably impossible for every parent to become anxious for their children. There are a lot of bad influences outside the home, there are so many stories of accidents, tragedies, and even man-caused incidents that I am afraid that my child would encounter or experience. It's just mind-aching to think and to worry about those things. It will surely break my heart if anything happens to him while we are not by his side.
I remember @PatsKy8135's article about Let your Toddlers Grow in accordance with Their Milestones, it reminded me of how protective parents can be but we have to let them grow.
I am overthinking and I can't help it. I am sure I am not alone with this, I know most mothers tend to overthink. I just have to let go of this thought. I pray for guidance, for Matti's life to be protected from the negative elements of this fallen world, that God may grant him friends who would help him grow independently without harm. That God would provide for him a life partner (although, that should not be hurried) who will be his source of strength and happiness. That when we are not anymore here on this earth, he will have a family who will love him and support him. And lastly, that he will remember us, his parents who love him dearly.
I won't be able to stop progress and growth. As much as I wanted him to slow down a bit so I can cherish these moments when he is still dependent on me, on us, we can't stop or even stall it. It's beyond our capabilities, we have no power to do so.
Growth is needed, he has to reach milestones after milestones, he has to learn, he has to evolve. We are merely stewards of this beautiful soul. Our prayer is for him to know that God loves him and for us to be confident that no matter what happens, we have a good good Father in heaven who is looking down on us, on him, who takes care of us all and won't allow us to stray away.
I am comforted with this thought, I brush the negativities away and I pray for His divine guidance and protection for my baby. I am confident and convinced that whatever happens, when we won't be there for him, God will.
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xoxo,
mommy jean of momentswithmatti
Love harder than any pain you've ever felt.
Matti is so adorable. He is so blessed to have a mother like you. Indeed, mothers are amazing and you deserved all the good things in life. Praying for Matti 🤗