Out of the Dark Into the Dim

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Avatar for JonicaBradley
3 years ago

I've been having a rough go of it lately.

I've experienced over 40 years of trauma due to the many sexual assaults purpetrated upon me by various boys and men over the course of my lifetime.

I did a very good job of suppressing all this trauma. I did a very good job escaping my reality.

But recently something triggered what I like to call a PTSD flare up. I started experiencing flashbacks all day every day. But especially at night.

I would have dreams. I couldn't tell if they were imagination dreams or memory dreams. It really doesn't matter. The reaction was the same. I was in a dark place.

Last Thursday my husband came to the rescue. He suggested we do some magic mushrooms.

We did.

It helped.

If you care to, you can read more about it here.

For days afterward, I felt good. I felt productive, brave, and strong. I had no trouble sleeping and no bad dreams.

I felt I had come out of a very dark tunnel at the bottom of a very dark hole in a very dark cave.

I felt inspired to write this article. I wanted to write it first thing yesterday morning, but the read.cash editor had other ideas.

On Saturday, the day after we did the shrooms for the second time (we shared 1 dose on Thursday and 1 dose on Friday) I felt as if I was waking in a bright sunshiny day. The sun felt warm on my face and brightened my smile. I stood far away from the entrance to my cave. I had no negative emotions and felt able to face the hard work of therapy. I feel asleep early and easily. I didn't drink wine.

On Sunday, it was still daylight, but some clouds had covered my emotional sun. It was still a productive day. I got a lot of chores done, and I imagined several new art projects I would like to start. I still didn't feel the need to drink any wine. But I was beginning to feel restless. Sleep came harder and later.

Monday, I still felt I was out of the cave, but my emotions had moved me closer to the mouth of the cave. It felt like winter. Like one of those cloudy, cold, overcast days. I gathered metaphorical wood for a fire, hoping I wouldn't need it, wanting to stay outside in the light. Knowing, the dark was coming.

Thinking about the article I had planned to write caused me to feel anxiety. It's just as well the editor was broken.

I looked in the refrigerator too many times though I couldn't settle on anything to eat; on anything to fill the home I felt forming in the pit of my stomach.

I drank wine.

I couldn't sleep until half past midnight. I didn't sleep well or easily.

Full winter had set in and I crawled deeper into the cave.

I haven't (yet) descended down to the hole in the ground or backed into the tunnel. But I feel the darkness whispering my name. Seducing me with is deep shadows and safe places to hide. I know there are monsters lurking in the deepest, darkest shadows but if I can't see them, they can't see me. The darkness calls to me.

Yesterday, I couldn't write. I couldn't think properly, either. I was trying to learn how to start my novel in Scrivener, but by 3pm I gave up. It felt too hard. I could hear that darkness whispering more urgently, calling more fervently, lying so believably.

I couldn't hear the inner critic, though. I wasn't practicing negative self talk. I haven't had any flashbacks.

I had some sort of night terror. I woke up shouting and terrified.

I didn't know why.

I asked my husband and he said it was his fault. He rolled over and put his hand on my back. And I freaked! Not his fault at all. The combination of my monsters, my past, and the fear of facing and destroying the monsters, destroying their power over me is what is causing the clouds to cover the sky. The fear is pushing me into the darkness.

I feel like I'm at the very back of the cave today. Not in the hole. Not in the tunnel. I've made a small fire at the mouth of the cave. It's dim light flickers and licks my toes, a bashful puppy wanting love but afraid of being kicked.

Before I fall into the pit of despair, I remind myself that the dim is still brighter than the dark. Even if I stay in the dim awhile, it is far better than the pit. Though the darkness whispers and clings, it is a liar.

It's far better being in the dim than being in the dark.

Two more days until therapy and my stomach flutters at the thought. I'm not feeling as strong or as brave or nearly ready enough to embrace it.

I'm sitting in the dim feeling scared of the dark. Feeling scared of the journey to full, bright, warm, sunshine.

Therapy is dragging my monsters out into the light of day for all to see.

For me to see.

What if they see me first?

They are no less terrifying for being in the bright. It means I can see all their horrible teeth and sharp claws. Their acid drool and the evil in their eyes.

Still, I have hope.

The dim shines a light on the monsters, yes, making them visible. But the monsters fade in the bright. They become diaphanous. I can see through them to my survival.

I've come out of the dark.

I'm back in the dim.

But it's progress.

...

This is an entry for writing prompt #4: Darkness

If you would like to see all the prompts, linked, and in order go here.

...

lead image license free from Unsplash

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Avatar for JonicaBradley
3 years ago

Comments

Gracias por compartir este buen artΓ­culo. Saludos πŸ‘

$ 0.00
3 years ago

Find some activities that will make your life busy for you not to think what you have been through from the past.Just believe in hope nothing is impossible...

$ 0.03
3 years ago

I'm pretty busy almost every day.

$ 0.00
3 years ago

It's just for the mean time, sooner you will come out of it. Thanks for sharing with us this wonderful article

$ 0.00
3 years ago

I like this. Dim, light, and darkness. I have never much thought about that middle place. But it makes sense. As you said, it's not the light but it is also not the dark. It is a place where you can enjoy some calm and better work your way to the side that is better.

$ 0.01
3 years ago

Yep.

$ 0.00
3 years ago

Thank you for sharing your experience. Wishing you the best with the therapy. You seem to have a real resolute inner strength (though I know sometimes it may not feel that way) and I have no doubt that you can slay the demons and monsters with that illumination.

$ 0.03
3 years ago

I've been at it awhile. Most of my life I've just suppressed my trauma. I've never really grieved. I escape from emotional pain rather than confronting it. So, now, I have to confront it. I no longer do the things I did when I was escaping.

$ 0.00
3 years ago

Im so sorry for what happened to you. But yes, there's still hope. Theres always hope. Sending love to you

$ 0.00
3 years ago

Hi Jonica. How are you? Hope everything is going well for you. Anyway, please check TG for our BGift update. I also sent you a DM. Thanks.

$ 0.00
3 years ago

ok.

$ 0.00
3 years ago

Sending hugs and kisses. Sooner you'll be out of the darkness, you'll be at peace in light. You've been through a lot, not all would be able to surpass it but you're a fighter. I can't wait to see you shining brightly πŸ’“

$ 0.03
3 years ago

Thank you.

$ 0.00
3 years ago

I care about you ma'am, I'm so happy you're out of the darkness. I know someone with such experience, I tell you it's not easy.

$ 0.03
3 years ago

I am glad that you still managed to find a light even if you were shrouded by darkness. The culmination of thoughts and experiences sometimes create those monsters. But if we keep holding on into the tiny sliver of hope and light, eventually it will dispel the darkness.

$ 0.03
3 years ago

You really are doing well. Soon enough, you'll just see yourself being in the light, out of the dim. I can't wait seeing you share that in your future articles. ❀️

$ 0.03
3 years ago

Sending my love,and hugs. You are stronger than you imagine, this phase has come to pass. You would Win πŸ’•.

$ 0.03
3 years ago

You're a strong person, after all experiences you had, you still here, you have your person to help you and support you always, sending my prayers for you, hope you'll pass that darkest hour.

$ 0.03
3 years ago

Praying that these painful pasts and the people who hurt you will not hunt you anymore even in dreams. Keep praying my dearπŸ™

$ 0.03
3 years ago

Sometimes when you have those feelings just let it out by crying. Crying will make you feel better. It's the only way to push the pain out of you. I'm sending you the required hugs, I can be a shoulder to lean on if you need to talk to someone.

$ 0.03
3 years ago

Thank you.

$ 0.00
3 years ago

Sending my hugs to you ma'am. It's not easy I can tell from what you've shared here. Just be strong always, your husband is there to help you.

$ 0.03
3 years ago

When you have the best support, there no limit to what you can achieve even in the face of challenges. Keep believing and fight on till you reach your desires. An inspirational write-up.

$ 0.00
3 years ago

It is all because of thoughts and some memories we had faced in our past. Life is totally panic in some moments. We should try to busy ourselves in engaging ourselves in good deeds. But it is also of course tiresome and need good health. Sedative drugs are not solutions in this dark past. I think Psychotherapist will suggest you something better. Try to contact to him/her. I hope you will fine if you do that.

$ 0.03
3 years ago

I'm not taking any sedatives.

I do wish I were!

$ 0.00
3 years ago

Sending some hugs, love, and light ma'am. I don't know what to say but thanks for being brave enough to share your struggles with us. That's strength right there. Let your husband's love be your strength and light as well :)

$ 0.03
3 years ago

Sending hugs to you, i hope you do come out of the dark place. Been on this for a while now, please do take care. Your writing drew me much more closer than anything

$ 0.03
3 years ago

My therapist told me I'm excellent at getting back to OK. She asked me how I do that. And I told her, honestly, suppress. suppress, suppress. She doesn't want me to suppress these memories and emotions. She says we need them, however uncomfortable, to get to the healing. She also likes to make me cry. I mean, not by being mean or anything. She says crying is where the healing is. . . . I HATE to cry!

$ 0.05
3 years ago

I think it's her style and it seems to be working on you, kudos to your therapist...I also have a close friend who said this some thing to me that emotions shouldn't be suppressed immediately I saw this I could relate. Jonica's got to cry a little 😊😊....

$ 0.00
3 years ago

blech.

$ 0.00
3 years ago

sending my warmest hugs and kisses to you maam jonica!

$ 0.03
3 years ago

Thank you, Jinifer.

$ 0.00
3 years ago

Virtual hugs, come out of the dark. Whatever happens, come out, just come out, don't stay there.

$ 0.03
3 years ago

Might need some more magic mushrooms...

$ 0.00
3 years ago

Yes sis, if that will really rescue you from the dark. I will pray for you everyday. I hope this stops πŸ˜”

$ 0.00
3 years ago

When I dreamed of it, I just didn't know, haha ​​so creepy.

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3 years ago

This is so deep. I hope you'll go from the dim to the light and not to the dark. When we are in the light, we can still see the monsters. But they aren't stronger than us. Hugs to you, Jonica!

$ 0.03
3 years ago

Thanks, my friend.

$ 0.00
3 years ago