Have you ever felt like hibernating and staying away from all forms of communication for some time?. You just have this sickening feeling of not being excited neither are you sad. You are in the middle. At the verge of happiness and Sadness. Just a little provocation can lead to an outburst. I've been there and most recently I had another on Wednesday.
I can't point to a particular reason or when it started. I just felt like being alone. I ignored all messages on WhatsApp even calls were neglected. My siblings tried to start small talks with me but I didn't reply to them. And when my immediately older brother decided to force a conversation, by all means, I flared up and said some unpleasant things. I felt bad but was still in this mood.
Maybe it's because of the lectures. The lecturers are not in support of online classes so they vent their anger on students with multiple materials. Everyone was so confused and Sad. People complained bitterly but it seems it was falling on deaf ears. Or because of the stress from the preparation for the party we are hosting very soon.
My Dad came in and started asking me questions about my studies and I replied with monosyllables. He noticed this and asked what was wrong but I couldn't point to any particular reason.
I was already brewing hot from the multiple questions and was afraid I will burst into another outburst. But I quickly controlled myself and went for a walk. I know I dare not speak rudely to my Dad and was also feeling guilty about what I said to my brother earlier so I decided to cool off a bit and pray by the time I'm back I'll be in a better mood.
I just want to be alone
With my headphone plugged into my phone I went to my Audiomack app and spent minutes trying to look for a perfect song for my current state. Even my "every situation worthy" playlist that I talked about a few days back couldn't cool me off. Maybe I'm weird, because is there anyone on earth that just feel like being alone and away from any form of communication. I know how people crave companionship and conversations. But here I am with lots of people trying to converse with me but I'm pushing them away.
Finally, I saw the perfect song for my present state. It was a song by "Fireboy". Titled "Alone" from his sophomore album "Apollo". It was a perfect moment because it felt like the lyrics are a mirror of what was happening to me. I placed it on repeat and walked around the compound for minutes.
The last verse resonated with my current state. Nothing is wrong with me -this is what I want people to understand. I just want to do this on my own. I have no explanation for this and I expect people to understand this. But it seems people see this as something absurd.
Then I got the morale booster I needed in another verse. I know I can do it. Life is filled with ups and downs. When a problem ends another rises but I am no ordinary human. I'm a god, a different breed, a legend in the making. lol.
Getting back home I called my brother and apologise. I also sent a voice note to the class group to calm everyone down. Though the weight was still there I needed to say out loud that "Things will turn out well". The voicenote was received with many thanks. Obviously, I wasn't the only one feeling hopeless. The song helped me rediscover my confidence which I transferred to my friends. Ever since it's been on repeat. Though I'm no longer on airplane mode, the song is still my go-to song.
Have you also been in this mood before or Fireboy and I are the only weird ones?😂
Thanks for reading!🤗💚🤗
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So relatable. To be honest, I noticed that my recent articles are sad and gloomy. I can't also understand what I am feeling but I am sure I want to get out of the situation I am in right now and be in a place without anything that bothers me. Just peace, and me. Something like that. Yeah, it's hard to explain. This article helped me understand myself better.