"Choose- day rambling( Tuesday)"
Blog#142 February 08,2022 no.07
Attention:
Before you start reading, I just wanted to warn you that there's nothing interesting with this article, this is just all my rant's and you can just skip this if you want, I really do understand. Thank you!
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Hello my dear family, how are you? I hope you guys are having a great day and having a productive day. In my case, honestly I don't feel good. It's not that I'm sick,but it's because I felt exhausted and stressed. I know I have choices, of how am I going to start my day. Either I'd stay being demotivated or either I start my day being positive and productive. But I know for sometime it's okay to be not okay, but it's not okay to keep ourselves stock being demotivated. But for now, let me choose to let this thoughts be out from my mind as it keeps me feel demotivated. I hope you understand me.
Last night I actually wanted to publish my article. I'd started writing at around 8:20, while I am swinging my sons hammock. He didn't have his afternoon nap yesterday, so at around 6 p.m he is already sleepy, I just can't bring him to sleep as it's still early and also because I was busy preparing our dinner. When my mother-in-law came home at around 6:30 our dinner is already ready, I prepare the table and I asked them for dinner so we can finish early and can go to bed early.
Since I also wanted to read some articles before I go to sleep, I focus on my writing, I wanted to finish it and published it before the clock hits 9, I know I can do that because I already have a topic. But my partner keeps on distracting me, he keeps on talking and sometimes played a vedio on his phone with a full volume. I get irritated so I tried to stop him, I'm also worried that our son might get distracted and lost his sleepiness. I thought he would listen, but he didn't, he even do it again and again. I was very disappointed with him, I also keep on asking him to give me some time to finish my article, as I need some focus with a some silence, but he didn't listen until I get mad. I told him how disappointed I am while my tears are running. I really hate that actually, I don't understand why my tear's are uncontrollable whenever I'm mad.
I thought he would be sorry, but he also gets mad, and so we ended up having an argument last night. He says that I'm the one who don't understand him, he says he only wants my attention but I keep on ignoring him. It's actually not like that, I asked him to just give me enough time to finish my work but he didn't listen. I already let him know that during the day time I cannot do my writing because I have to take care of our son. He knows that I'm writing because I wanted to help with our expenses, but it seems like he really don't understand me.
Actually he can have a day off, he can have a whole day during the weekend if he wants some time to spend with us, if he wants my attention, I can actually give it to him. But whenever he was home, he was just busy with his phone, I can't even talk to him, and if he see me busy with my phone he gets mad because he don't want that my attention wasn't with our son, and so I don't have a choice but to do my writing at night. I'm busy with my phone because I wanted to earn, I'm not wasting my time for nothing and he knows that. I thought he would be supportive and he would be proud that his wife is considerate.
If only I can choose a day without an argument with my partner, I would definitely choose the whole seven days of the week, the 30 day's of the month and the 365 days of the year, so I can have a peaceful days and life. But no matter how I tried to extend my patience, I tried so hard to avoid some misunderstanding, he really do find a way to have an argument with me. Honestly sometimes, I wanted to leave as I feel tired, I'm not happy that he don't let me do what makes me happy, but I can't as I don't want my son to grow up without a father. I still do love him but our never ending arguments makes me feel tired.
If only he knew that writing is also stressful, he would know how stressful I am everyday but I choose to sacrifice just to help him with our expenses.
One time I asked him for his support as I can't concentrate, I asked him to look for our son while I am trying to finish my article, but he just ignore me. I told him that I'm struggling to finish my article because I can't concentrate while our son is still playing, I am worried that it gets hurt as he keeps on jumping on our bed. I asked him if he can bring our son to sleep as I need some focus, but then he just told me to stop writing if I'm already struggling. Actually I wanted to, but every time I remember our expenses, I can't stop, I need to do something. I can't go to work because no one will take care of our son, and for now, this platform is my only hope.
Actually, I'm not regretting with my decision. I don't regret that I choose him, that I choose to have a child with him, but I wish he could support and understand me. As a person who used to earn my own money, being stock at home makes me feel useless. Half of my life, I'm working, I used to have my own money, I used to be independent and I don't used to be dependent. I'm not a lazy person, I don't like that I'm not doing anything, that I can't help. Do I sounds being selfish now? Do i only care about money? If I stop writing, it's makes me more useless for sure, and I don't want it. I hope you understand my point, but whatever your advice or suggestions I'll be happy reading it in my comment box.
Anyway sorry if all you read is my rant's, I just need to let them out as I really felt demotivated today.
What you wrote is not the story of you, but women in general. As all the points are very true. They need us to pay attention to them, no matter what they do. But when we go for an argument, we wil end up in sadness. So it's better try to write the article before your hubby arrives. I know it will be difficult for you. But then you can avoid arguments dear and be at peace. Its because he love you so much that he need your attention.