I've been into thousand worlds.
Three thirteen, twenty three. Don't think much about the first four words, those sum up the date today. I just wanted to utilize the word count.
Today is another lazy Monday we've got to work through. I have tons of work to do, yet I don't feel rushed. Or maybe I do, but I have a knack of brushing it off until the deadline comes. At least I have a talent (not worth bragging about, though, I know).
Well, yours truly still has some unpublished journalling collection, and this one you're about to read is the 2nd of them. (Feel free to find the first one I published yesterday—the link is on the bottom part. Better read it or else—)
Enough nonsense rambling, here this goes.
02 Oct 2022
What's with our brain that it suddenly puts us on a strange kind of trance in the most random times?
One second, I was having fun scrolling through my socials, and the next one, I am suddenly on the verge of tears re-thinking my life choices. I don't know anymore if it's from the outside, of if the source was myself—it's those certain moments when I just stop doing absolutely everything and stare at the ceiling.
The ceiling becomes nothingness as the night dares to get deeper, and my thoughts jump from one to another, from bad to worse, to worst, to something more bad than worst, if there's a suitable word to it. Darkness, paradoxically, accompanies my staggered breathing, as I linger into the never-ending train of thoughts one by one, until I just see the light of the morning seeping through the corners of the room.
It's ironic how everyone's sound asleep at 3 a.m., while I keep on whispering aggressively to God-knows-who, "shut up!" I hear them on the left side and the right side of my existence, and sometimes from above, and from behind. Strangely enough, they were my own voices! I can't visualize them enough, but I am sure there were different "ME's" discussing the usual stuff around what seemed like a table—inside my head, they were too chatty.
They are all talking simultaneously, and I can't find ways to silence them. In the end, I just go listen, and do my best to filter what they all have to say. "I feel guilty, I feel left behind. What have I been doing in my life for the last three years? Why do I keep settling for less?" I am sure there are a lot more, but no one cares, so I won't be saying what the other lines were.
Some people wonder why others can't sleep when it's supposed to be bed time, without actually realizing it's more noisy "inside", than outside. I don't want to actually call them demons, but they sometimes act like ones. They keep muttering things I don't wanna hear, and tease me about memories I don't even wanna recall.
It happens quite more frequently these days that I eventually just got used to it. I don't know if this is a good thing.
Have you ever tried doing something stupid for hours—being 100% aware of how unproductive it was—even you have to do something else? You know you should be doing other things, but you still kept on switching through your apps, even there's nothing much to see?
I guess it's that shtty attempt to fill a specific void that gets bigger through times. I guess it's what the song calls "quick repairs". Freakin' repairs that do more bad than good overtime.
I feel scared that as I grow older, motivational quotes do not impact me anymore as much as they did before. I'm afraid nothing would give me will power anymore, regardless of how proven and strong the used words were. The most terrifying one is when His words won't have an effect on me anymore—I can't even imagine it. Where should I go, then, after that?
The method that works best for me is working my imagination. My brain has been trained to think thousand things at once, so, this is a piece of strawberry cheese cake. My room maybe dark, but no, 'my world' ain't. When midnight strikes, unlike Cinderella, the magic in my place starts.
It can be any place, any universe, because I have way lots of universes I created throughout my lifetime. I have people of my dreams whom I can spend time with in these places. I am the smartest one, the baddest girl in town, the cool kid everyone wants, that ideal version of me, which I am not in reality.
Can you believe I hold my own concerts in my imagination? I can brag some dope dancing skills, and I am on the top of my game. I am a strong independent woman who get what I want. I have lots of money, and all things I could only dream of.
You may not believe that my eyes are now sparkling while writing this.
I actually have to stop as a new story idea is popping up in my mind. I gotta close my eyes and see where the scene goes.
How was it? Do you relate to it? Come on, share me some similar stories, I was silent for a long time—now, I'm in a mood to talk!
Moving on, here's the first part of my journalling series from last year:
Don't skip, I'm sure you'll enjoy reading it! (winks awkwardly)
Anyway, as said in the first part, this was written few months ago, and I am in a better place now. Everything's fine and nice. Blues are inevitable, it's always gotta be part of the rainbow, it ain't always yellows and oranges.
I may still get into low points in my life, but I'll keep doing what I have done to overcome—just keep breathing and becoming stronger through God's love and support.
Here's to all soldiers who fight silent battles everyday! We got this!
Let's say hi again tomorrow, lovelies!
To God be the Glory.
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Im new here please give me some time to do read all your story 😉