Hello, 2023.
"It's been a long time... without you, my friend... And it's time to share the stories while I was out and away."
Please tell me you almost sang to a familiar tune while this piece started. Yeah, hello 2023. Hello, March. It's a bit awkward saying hello after being away for almost a whole dang year! Yet, here I am, trying to make my way back into stage one again.
My brain is an empty slate, so lemme just give you a throwback Thursday of one of my journalling entries from last year (because, yeah, I never stopped writing, just that I paused the habit of posting here, due to, uh.. life.)
Here we go..
10 Oct. 2022
The sky was in vibrant shades of blue, yellow, and and gray earlier. The time was six o' clock in the evening, and I was just out after a long day at work.
The sky was indeed gorgeous earlier, and I was able to fight the strong desire to take my phone out and get a picture, as I always did. I got extra shy earlier for some unknown reason, and now I regret it, because I don't know when I can see that unique array of colors again. It was therapeutical.
Today's work was exhausting, yet satisfying. I got to finish lots and lots of things, and still fighting to work my way towards deadlines after deadlines—heck, lots of them—and everytime I get to cross out a task, it feels fulfilling.
There's always that thought, though, one that I always think about. Strange. It's difficult to try loving something I got tired of, at some point. I could not help but think of the possibilities I've intentionally missed just so I could stay wherever I am now. Pretty sure I was just 'fooling' myself into thinking that everything has a timeline and I am meant to be here, to be 'just' here, for now. I really hope that's just the case, but most of the time I do realize it's not. It's me holding myself back, because I am so scared of trying.
Taking risks is not my forte, and I am the type to do my best to be in a place far away from its presence. I like to dwell in something comfortable, one where I can slack off from time to time, and still get things done, even at the cost of accepting the very minimal benefits it gives me.
It just sometimes sucks to know I can be more, and it's myself who's preventing it to happen. I know I can be better than this, and yet I choose to still wake up every morning, and go the same path I am so sick of.
I hope I could have at least a ton more confidence and bravery to take on more daring undertakings. I hope I'd be courageous enough to put myself on the frontline and fight my demons head on.
Demons, there's a lot of them, tell me about it. There's this feeling that I don't deserve the good things, the recognition I get, because I am not good enough, at least, the way I see myself with my own eyes. I always feel like people are just exaggerating things to not offend me, and they're really criticizing me inside. Compliments make me more pressured and uneasy than flutter me. I'd rather be in the backstage than be in the spotlight, where I am more vulnerable to eyes and ears, and that'd mean more judgements.
I am afraid to be fully expressive because I think this would give people more chances to break into my walls, and use my own stuff against me. It's hard to explain, but it gets easier to understand when you are a proud 'overthinker' like me. I don't know if this thing is a blessing or a curse. It makes me more focused on my craft and brings me good results, but the impact of the means is sometimes more damaging than the output. The end does not always justify the means, after all. What good it is to be a perfect example that others look up to (or even envy), when they don't see the amount of blood, sweat and tears behind the scenes?
Sometimes I wish I am not knowledgeable enough of the material things in this world, so I won't always be hungry for more. I think it'd help me overcome the creeping jealousy that runs into my blood whenever I do some 'observations'. Maybe that's also make me less critical of myself, I guess? That would save me couple years of my life, since I'd be dealing with significantly lower amounts of stress. Yup, 90% of my stress are self-induced—it was such a shame admitting to this.
Like, imagine I don't worry much about stuff, then maybe I won't beat myself too much when things don't go according to plan. Maybe I'd save myself lots of sleep time, because I won't be dealing with 3 am, 2 am, or 1 am thoughts anymore. Seriously, I just want to stop. It's not easy. If it is, maybe I did not get the code. I could not crack the code, and if you know what it is, please... please spill it. It's tiring to deal with this everyday.
It gets too much to handle on specific times. And you know what comes with them chaos? Colds, rashes, hair loss, pimples sometimes, lack of appetite... just to name a few.
I genuinely wanna break this cycle, if it's the truth you're looking for. Gladly, this does not happen all the time. It's just that I got used to it, that it just became something I have to endure when it comes. That doesn't mean I don't suffer, though.
I don't get what I want—lesser struggles—they even come stronger, even, and multiply. I just have to say, I just get stronger. I adjust to the increasing challenges, and, yeah! A good news, right? They say challenges make a man stronger. You think it's working for me, too? And to you? Hope so.
Because, guess what? In times like these, I could not help but wonder... how long would I last? How soon will I break?
The moon isn't full, yet it's extra gorgeous tonight. It's nice looking at it once again, after a few weeks. I should be feeling sleepy right now. Should I ask the moon to give me some motivation in my dreams?
Thanks for coming by. Hoping I could drop by again tomorrow? Wish me well!
Oh, and the Bible verse for today, because it's a Sunday (wee minutes left before Monday)!
Let's say hi again tomorrow, lovelies!
To God be the Glory.
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I've missed you here sis. ganda basahin ng article mo,