I can't Understand Myself

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Avatar for Codename_Chikakiku
2 years ago

Did you fully know yourself? Have you done things like you want to avoid it but suddenly you made it again? There are people who can fully control themselves, they are convicted on what they plan and manage to succeed those goals that they implement. There are also people who have goals in life and no matter what struggles will come they are still consistent and focus on the goals that they have. It's such envious to see those kind of people that full of courage and determination to continue despite all the toxic words they hear from their surroundings.

Photo by ehsan ahmadnejad from Pexels

It's rare to see this kind of people that had consistency in everything cause many people easily lost interest and hope once they failed once. There are people who afraid to engage on one certain opportunity cause they are afraid to fail. I think I'm on this situation right now, maybe you know me as a consistent guy who stay focus on the goals that I have but it differs from reality. I got easily lose interest in things that I do first time but later on I'm gonna abandon it. Let me tell you one inconsistency of mine, during the first 2 months of pandemic, I got shocked since everything changed specially the way of living.

I stayed at home and prohibited by the authority to go out from house so that we can avoid having COVID-19, I was bored that time and it's boring to scroll on social media everyday since news about COVID is all on my newsfeed. Then there's a story formulated on my mind, I have a title already which is When Death Fell Inlove Life. It was a great story with prologue and I started the chapter 1. It's a novel which had a genre of fiction, romance, drama, tragic and supernatural.

The story was revolve around life of David Alvarez which is a son of the most rich businessman in Asia and he's the heir of Alvarez Enterprise and he had a total asset of 1 billion peso. He met the love of his life which is Lhaine Dizon a simple girl that he fell inlove at first sight. It's such a great story with a basis on how should it end. I manage to write it until chapter 12 but later on I got bored. I don't know what's the essence of writing this story. Suddenly, I got demotivated to continue the story until now, the story is still on my cabinet and I think it will only remain on chapter 12.

Another thing is setting a goal, I have this goal to save money for me to fix my broken teeth and also buy a gaming phone that I can use but I spend a lot of money that i forgot the goal to save. The money was used to buy foods everytime we play badminton together with my friends. I can't understand myself why I'm so kind to treat other people even though I'm saving money. It's already in my system that hard to remove. I just can't stand to see my friends running for their breath since they are dehydrated and their stomach are rumbling due to hunger that's why I'm treating them with my own money and ends up spending 200 to 300 on their foods.

I can't understand this self of mine that I can treat other people but I am saving for myself. In my entire life I didn't treat myself to eat at any Fast food restaurant even though I have money, I'm just thinking it's a waste of money but when it comes to other people I'm ready to help and treat them, such pitiful self. Lastly, the topic about love, this is where myself is very confusing, maybe you'll notice that I'm good at advising but the truth is its really hard to apply it for myself.

Right now, I didn't take the word love seriously, I'm still immature to enter into serious relationship, I don't know if I truly love the person or just go with the trend. Sometimes I want to be in serious relationship everytime I saw post on social media about sweet couples made memories together but sometimes I prefer to flirt everytime I saw cute girls around me, I think I already forgot how to become Crisostomo Ibarra which loyal to one lady.

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2 years ago

Comments

It just shows how a big heart you have for you are thinking more about others more than yourself. However, take better care of yourself too. Don't be too hard on yourself :)

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2 years ago

I broke a lot of promises and I am so ashamed of myself now. It's just that I can't stop myself from doing the same thing over and over again. When will I realize? Hahaha, I don't know.

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2 years ago

Ako ginagawa ko tinitreat ko sa sarili ko sa labas kapag may extra money ako kumakain ako kahit mag Isa haha Masaya ako kapag mag Isa lang e walang kaagaw sa pagkaen🤣

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2 years ago

try ko ngadin sa sarili ko feeling ko kase nauuna ko ibang tao.

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2 years ago

Go buddy

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2 years ago

Kuripot ako sa mga bagay na do not matter na haha. Dati kung ano ano binibili ko. Now, I invest more to things na alam kong tatagal in the long run :)

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2 years ago

Naging kuripot din ako sa sarili ko in the past, yung tipong mas bet mo pang ilibre mga kasama mo kesa itreat mismo yung sarili mo? AHAHHAHA. Wala lang I just felt that time na ansarap magbigay but always remember na need din ng self nating ilibre. I learned to invest and prioritize myself before prioritizing others.

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2 years ago

kaya nga eh need na talaga Balaban yung pagiging mabait ko hayszz.

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2 years ago

Don't worry bro. Eventually these things happen. Sometimes I have creative blocks but I usually get over them too. The truth is that it is very difficult to continue with projects when you have to put a lot of effort into them. Maybe that novel wasn't something you really wanted to do with all your being. However, it may sound strange, but try to take some vitamins and do some exercise at home, sometimes the lack of minerals like magnesium and others, makes you feel unmotivated and even depressed. Cheers!

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2 years ago

aww you are not a pitiful self dear, what you do for others is called Empathy, compassion and caring.. you are just overthinking.. next time, fight your instincts and treat yourself well.. it helps trust me

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2 years ago

thanks madam, we'll I'm gonna be happy if your story will become more brutal hihihi just kidding.

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2 years ago

Share ko lang selgs Nung kapag kumikita ako sa pagbebenta ko Ng vape nun kumakain ako Ng favorite Kong MAMI na Tig 25 sa c5 hahaha Kasi alam mo crave na crave ako don kaya Ang saya saya ko kapag nakakain Ng MAMI huhuhu

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2 years ago

share mo lang? charrr palibre naman.

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2 years ago

I think we dont know about our-self fully. If we know about our-self fully then we didn’t feel like that. Dear friend dont need to over thinking just listen your heart word.

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2 years ago

Ang bait namn po talaga neto nanlilibre even though my goal sya na makapag ipon naks naman...

Relate much some times I just want to be in a serious relationship after seeing post on soc meds or just reading a romantic stories on books haha but then too immature in reality, pag nabored tyaka na ulit haha wag na lang pala haha ganyan na ganyan parang for that day lang yung gustong relationship hahaha.

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2 years ago

kaya nga eh yung feeling na gusto mo pumasok sa serious relationship pero marerealize mo na hindi ka seryoso.

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2 years ago

It's not that you don't understand, it is because you don't want to. hehe. From the moment you knew why you gave and it's so much joy, then suddenly comes you realized that why I don't give something for myself. I actually see the other side, you understand yourself and you knew why, but you kept thinking it's not. The person who knew everything is yourself alone. This is just like listening to the teacher having class. At first, it's hard to understand because there are a lot of people who were around, then comes the time you were alone you will see the on point. Love is something but not a top priority, that's is the mindset of people with goals hehe your not alone.

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2 years ago

This is an eye opener for me Kuya, I know that I can focus but it's just me that don't want to do it. Maybe I just need to push myself and slap my self so that I can wake up from reality that saving for future is my priority rather than spending.

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2 years ago

Hmm. I can actually see myself in this write up especially in paragraph 6. I can truly spend for someone else but if it's for me, I tend to see it as waste of finance. It is well.

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2 years ago

Why we are like that?😔

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2 years ago

I really don't know. May be it because we just care so much about others and believe we will be fine on our own. Whichever, it's a good thing for people around us, but us, we need to stop being selfish to ourselves

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2 years ago

I think you're just afraid of your best self. You're so afraid of failing that you don't even start. Take the love part for example, chances are, you do love someone, but you're afraid you won't be able to see the relationship through. It's all in your head mate

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2 years ago

Sometimes ourself deserve some treat kasi ganyan din ako dati yung tipong sobrang kuripot pagdating sa sarili pero I realized na hindi pala ok. The more we treat ourself mas lalo tayong magiging hard work. Btw, wag ka talagang papasok sa serious relationship if hindi pa talaga ready to commit.

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2 years ago

kaya nga po subukan ko na magtipid tlaga, promise na tlaga focus muna sa goals.

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2 years ago

Focus lang if distraction comes, focus pa din hahaha

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2 years ago

Yes, I always at that point making promise to myself that I'll not do it again but suddenly I made a mistake and broke my promise. I remember when I promise my self not to engage with alcoholic drinks but suddenly I was caught by my eagerness. Like when you try to stop doing things cause it might harm you then it will trigger and allows you to broke your promise to your self. I don't even understand why I did that.

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2 years ago

Maybe we are just stress or just lonely that's why the things we do before to receive our stress like drinking alcohol returned since we are into it but there are ways to avoid it.

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2 years ago

Ang ganda ng goal mo :) motivation lang talaga sa sarili. Kaya yang goal mo mahihigitan mo pa yan.

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2 years ago

kaya nga eh, nawawalan ako ng gana kase kulang sa motivation, di ko din alam paano mahanap.

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2 years ago

Bata ka pa kasi beh kaya ganyan, pero okay lang yan. About naman sa saving money goal mo eh siguro need mo is more motuvation ara di mapagastos hehe

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2 years ago

I can also say that I don't know everything about myself before. However, I joined an activity called "Youth Search" which we discuss about our weakness, strengths, qualities and traits. That activity helped me realize that I am worthy to love.

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2 years ago

I understand you chikakiku. You are having now a lot of thoughts. Overthinking. It's me sometimes that's why I truly understand you. Just calm chikakiku. I know you have a lot of goals. Anytime you can start it.

Overthinking make us weak and demotivated chikakiku that's why I hate it a lot but still fighting. Always motivate yourself to continue what you've started.

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2 years ago

I don't know ate but i was different from my old self that is happy and joker, now I am just pretending like I'm happy but inside of me I'm not.

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2 years ago

Sorry chikakiku. Hindi ka ba nag eenjoy pag naglalaro kayo ng badminton? 🥺

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2 years ago