I can't Understand Myself
Did you fully know yourself? Have you done things like you want to avoid it but suddenly you made it again? There are people who can fully control themselves, they are convicted on what they plan and manage to succeed those goals that they implement. There are also people who have goals in life and no matter what struggles will come they are still consistent and focus on the goals that they have. It's such envious to see those kind of people that full of courage and determination to continue despite all the toxic words they hear from their surroundings.
It's rare to see this kind of people that had consistency in everything cause many people easily lost interest and hope once they failed once. There are people who afraid to engage on one certain opportunity cause they are afraid to fail. I think I'm on this situation right now, maybe you know me as a consistent guy who stay focus on the goals that I have but it differs from reality. I got easily lose interest in things that I do first time but later on I'm gonna abandon it. Let me tell you one inconsistency of mine, during the first 2 months of pandemic, I got shocked since everything changed specially the way of living.
I stayed at home and prohibited by the authority to go out from house so that we can avoid having COVID-19, I was bored that time and it's boring to scroll on social media everyday since news about COVID is all on my newsfeed. Then there's a story formulated on my mind, I have a title already which is When Death Fell Inlove Life. It was a great story with prologue and I started the chapter 1. It's a novel which had a genre of fiction, romance, drama, tragic and supernatural.
The story was revolve around life of David Alvarez which is a son of the most rich businessman in Asia and he's the heir of Alvarez Enterprise and he had a total asset of 1 billion peso. He met the love of his life which is Lhaine Dizon a simple girl that he fell inlove at first sight. It's such a great story with a basis on how should it end. I manage to write it until chapter 12 but later on I got bored. I don't know what's the essence of writing this story. Suddenly, I got demotivated to continue the story until now, the story is still on my cabinet and I think it will only remain on chapter 12.
Another thing is setting a goal, I have this goal to save money for me to fix my broken teeth and also buy a gaming phone that I can use but I spend a lot of money that i forgot the goal to save. The money was used to buy foods everytime we play badminton together with my friends. I can't understand myself why I'm so kind to treat other people even though I'm saving money. It's already in my system that hard to remove. I just can't stand to see my friends running for their breath since they are dehydrated and their stomach are rumbling due to hunger that's why I'm treating them with my own money and ends up spending 200 to 300 on their foods.
I can't understand this self of mine that I can treat other people but I am saving for myself. In my entire life I didn't treat myself to eat at any Fast food restaurant even though I have money, I'm just thinking it's a waste of money but when it comes to other people I'm ready to help and treat them, such pitiful self. Lastly, the topic about love, this is where myself is very confusing, maybe you'll notice that I'm good at advising but the truth is its really hard to apply it for myself.
Right now, I didn't take the word love seriously, I'm still immature to enter into serious relationship, I don't know if I truly love the person or just go with the trend. Sometimes I want to be in serious relationship everytime I saw post on social media about sweet couples made memories together but sometimes I prefer to flirt everytime I saw cute girls around me, I think I already forgot how to become Crisostomo Ibarra which loyal to one lady.
It just shows how a big heart you have for you are thinking more about others more than yourself. However, take better care of yourself too. Don't be too hard on yourself :)