He cried again!

November 23, 2021

"Mama I miss you"

This welcomed me when I was calling him earlier. We didn't get to do video call for they have poor connection at home so we shift to calling through prepaid.

Mum texted me earlier saying my son was crying again, I asked her why and she told me he misses me. Awwwwww poor little guy..I told him I'm gonna be out late at 10 but they insisted in waiting for we all know my son will never sleep until he hears my voice.

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One thing that will left me unfocused at work is this. Knowing my son is bawling his eyes out because he misses his mother. I miss him too but I am controlling it for I can't be with him all the time and it really pains me every time he's like this.

Past 10pm I called the moment I came in the office. I didn't even get to bath first because the need to call him is what's on my mind earlier and the conversation just breaks my heart..tell me did I bring this child into this world or someone did it for me?

"Mama, I miss you, please come home."

"Hello baby why are you crying? Mamay told me you're crying since earlier, what's wrong? are you hurt? "

"No I just want my Mama, I need my Mama now"

"Oh baby Mama can't come right now, Mama's still working but I promised to be home by Saturday."

"Last night I dreamed about you leaving me, we were doing modules and then you suddenly got up and put on your shoes and left, don't leave me Mama please"

"Hey bub, who says I'm leaving you, no one's leaving you okay, don't think about that. I told you to pray and ask Papa God to give you good dreams and to guide you in your sleep,bet you didn't get to pray because you're sleepy already. Mama will never ever leave you okay"

"----okay, but please Mama come into my dreams"

"Okay bub, Mama will go to your dreams and kiss you. "

" You already kissed me in advance remember, you kissed me for Monday until Saturday. "

"Oh I forgot I already gave you for each day, but Mama will still give you lots of kisses in your dreams okay. So don't cry now and just count up to one hundred and Mama will be home by then"

" but I am on eighty nine already."

"hahaha okay why do you have counter attacks on everything I said.? go to bed now so that you can receive my kisses already"

"Love you Mama, drink your milk before you go to sleep, I already drink mine. Mamay said I should behave so that you'll be happy."

"Love you baby, I will drink after this call, and yes you should behave so that Mama will be happy while working."

" Okay I won't cry now, I became ugly as I was looking at the mirror just now"

"hahahaha what --"

"okay hang up now Mama and takes some rest.. me loves you more than everyone okay?"

"Me loves you more than everyone too baby love you bye"

I was crying until now. Good Lord he was just five years old. I didn't even get to teach him even the basic counting of numbers or some humors yet he is like this.

I admit it that he doesn't take after me and probably not his father too. So whose son is he honestly..just kidding.

Mum said he's crying while talking to me on the phone but when he saw his reflection in the mirror he abruptly stops crying. Damn this son of mine is the best thing that ever happened to me.

This is the part where I really hate being apart from him when he is still a baby for me, where he still needs all the care and attention only a mother can give. Damned and blame myself for being reckless in the past and making instant decisions without thinking about the child's future feelings. Now this happened and I can't find someone to blame but myself. If only I didn't shooo the father away, my son will be happy by his father by now while waiting for me. Or maybe the father would be working and I would be with my son all the time educating him.

What's done can't be undone and I need to stand in my decision. But I am hurting my son even though I'm trying everything that I can for him. Guess I am making this all wrong.

I can't think of anything to write after my conversation with my son so I just thought I would share this instead.

Thank you for reading!
Keep safe & God Bless!
Fin!