Hearing those words for the first time made me feel special. As if somehow, someone appreciates who I am and what I can offer.
I remembered it was August when I first heard those words and thought to myself "huh, someone appreciates me that much?"
Soon enough those words became a drug that I take almost everyday. I tried to drown myself in hearing him say those words and pretend that I still believe him.
But masks were never meant to be worn forever. Soon those words almost sounded like a curse. The straw I drew that landed me in a place I wanted to get out of. The noose that hangs around my neck that I just never can't seem to remove. If luck is the reason why I was with him, I already knew I had a rotten luck.
Days turn to years and I had almost forgotten about him (most times). I cannot even remember the way my mouth curled up to the sound of his name or how my eyes would automatically water when I see anything that reminded me of him or how I wanted to curse everything for putting me by his side.
Most days, I forget about him. I believed that I would never encounter a piece of him anywhere else. I mean why would I be reminded of an awful person like him?
But everytime you tell me "I'm lucky to have you." I feel a pounding on my chest. I taste ash in my mouth, and I forget to breathe sometimes. It feels like a snake is crawling up all over my body, and I am paralyzed with fear.
I don't know what to feel when you tell me that. I wanted to ask you why but I do not want to know the answer yet. Or maybe I am afraid that I will not believe you even when you are telling the truth.
I do not mean to compare you to my past. I know that you know that.
I have been so caught in my past that J had a hard time removing myself from the webs of my traumas and regrets. But slowly, I am learning how to love myself, and unlearning unhealthy coping mechanisms.
I am not so naive to say that it happened all because of you. But I will also not hesitate to say that your presence is a big part in why I find the strength to continue improving myself.
You tell me sometimes that you're lucky to have me, but I am not sure if you know how fortunate I feel to have found you. Your presence brings me peace.
Even when the demons that I keep within made their appearance, you do not shy away from telling me your feelings.
It is not your responsibility to fix me, and I have always appreciated the fact that you never tried to do that. You give me the space I needed, and also the reassurances that I want. You trust me to let you know what I am feeling, but never pushed me to say things I am not yet ready to tell.
I am lucky to have you. You who have never doubted my skills. You who made me smile again. You who supported my never ending list of interest. You who listens to my random thoughts. You who tags me to some tea in social media.
I have never felt more like myself than when I am with you. With you, I never find the need to just put my best foot forward, to show a confident mask. I could just be me. Someone who struggle with social anxiety yet still try too hard to find somewhere to belong.
I used to hate myself for making mistakes, but with you I never felt the need to hide the mistake I made. I thought being this vulneranle with someone is a thing out of my reach but you really do keep surprising me.
I am so lucky to have you, and I wish you know that.
Closing words
I am feeling kinda tired today so this is just a random thought that I wanted to share with my partner.
Thank you for reading this article!
If you want to read some more articles of mine, I have monthly summaries here:
September 2021 Articles Summary
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When a person treat you as a queen it meens that your lucky.. Wish that my boyfie will stay the same.. Godbless :)