Do you also have a moment in your life where you question your existence because of some circumstances or because of the people in your life? Or a time that you wished you were never born because of the people who never see your worth and who look at you like you never do any good in your life? That you wish you just fall on the ground and let your soul leave your lifeless body and wander around just to end that endless pain than keep on killing you?
I have a happy memories on my childhood days. I already share some here, you all know how strict my Mom is to the point of hitting me using her belt, bamboo stick, hanger or whatever things that a Mom can use to let their child remember things and never repeat the same doings. I know that she mean no harm doing it, she just want to teach me, or us a lesson to never repeat the wrong doings we did, I think a lot of kids from 90's experience this.
And because of those things that my Mom did to me, I resent her to the point of thinking bad things in my mind. I'm cursing her on my mind and saying the real feelings I have for her. I let all of those words came in my mind through imagining it. This actually help me get through those bad and sad times that I have been through because of her. I actually thought to rebel at her but then again, It won't do me any good if I let my emotions eat me. That time I only think that once I finish school that's where I will get out of their life.
I never let my anger take over my body, I let my emotions calm down first, I think of the outcome of my action if ever I do it. After releasing those heavy feelings I have in my head through punching the wall on my room, hard and after crying my heart out I finally come to my senses. Anger, helplessness, sadness - different emotions in one body, if you're not good on fighting it then you will just burst in there for sure. It almost happen to me, I am so tempted to grab a knife and sway it in front of everyone to show them how mad I am. I can't count how many times my mind has been clouded with dark thoughts, as in killing?
But off course I can only do that on my head, I can't do that to them because I'm still afraid of my Mom. And in my mind before, she's my stepping stone to get a good life when I get old. Because she's the one who spend for my studies, she's the one who has money who can help me. And for that I am so thankful to her. Though she's really strict Mom, she didn't force me to get a good grades when I'm still studying. Just a grade to let me pass is enough for her, "Just don't get a failed grade!" That's just what she always say. So even if I get a 78, as long as it's passed. Then I'm all good.
You see, I have a lot of reasons to get out of this house when I'm still young. I got a lot of reasons to just end my life because of her, then what added more to my miserableness was her partner. I'm not really a suicidal person like Dazai but I also thought of doing it. But I can't, I just can't do it. Because I still have a lot of reason to live. I have a lot of dreams for my Mama and for my siblings. When I imagine things that I can't experience or get, I just do it on my imagination and everytime I do it, they are included - my Mama and my Siblings.
I want to live and give them a good life. I want to finish school and got a high paying job. Tho this one is still impossible right now. But who knows, maybe Bitcoincash is the answer to my prayer. And whenever I thought of leaving my Mom's house, I always think that if I move back to my Mama I can't finish school because she can't sustain my needs as a student. And because of that I learn to just ignore those hurtful words that Mom are throwing at me.
Because of those I learn to make my heart as hard as a stone. I really wish that time that I don't have a feelings so that I don't need to cry just to release those emotions. I have a lot of this moment, and I can't still believe that I survived this and get to this point of my life where everything is just a memories to me. I got wounded and it leaves a scars on my heart but, I succeeded on setting aside those feeling that I have and let peacefulness wrapped my whole body, my heart and my soul. I learned to forgive
So, if you are experiencing this kind of things right now with your family to the point of giving up your life, think again. You will never get your revenge if you end your life now. Be brave and be strong, I survived it so for sure you can also do it. It's okay to cry and run, but remember to never give up. Life is still beautiful even if we are facing a lot of problems right now. And for sure, in the middle of your journey, you will encounter something that can make you say "Indeed life is a beautiful gift from heaven!"
And you will never experience it if you decide to end it all. Fight, and find a big reason for you to continue. And by making your life wealthy in different aspect and not just in money, you can finally get your revenge. You live your life the way you want it, that's your sweetest revenge. And hug those people who make you strive hard to get those what you have now or you're about to get in the future. And I didn't fight back to Mom literally, I fight those dark thoughts on my mind and now I'm still here, alive and still loving you. BWAHAHAHAHA
Does it make any sense to you? My article I mean. I always ask this because I'm not really sure of my own writings. My English and grammars is not perfect but I think I'm improving naman even at 0.01%, haha. I hope you still get the point, UwU. I'm not really good when it comes to a serious topic, but I'm good in loving you naman so that's enough na I think? Chorrr wahaha. But kidding aside, I was able to write this after chatting with @carisdaneym2 . Those memories from the past came flashing after I heard her story yesterday. And I have no one that time to release my sadness and the only thing I can do is to cry and to punch the wall just to lift even a grams of heavy load on my heart. I just can relate to her in some way and so I wrote this. Anyway, I hope you're okay na Kyutie Mushroom kuno 🤗🍰. Fighting okay? 💪
Lead Image from Unsplash
July 21, 2021