"Tiredness, Tiredness...please go away"
"The reason they're trampling on you is because you don't have the courage to talk back", this words was said by @mommykim to my last article. After she said those words, I realized that I was too scared to stand up and fight. That I was too scared to speak up, that I am too scared to talk back.
Eversince I was a kid, I don't have any courage to talked back to my parents not until I reached the age of 16, I learn how to fight back but it ended up that to the worst way. That's the first time where my father slapped me hard, where he said that he regretting that my mother gave birth to me. Those words were still echoing to my head whenever that I don't feel okay.
The reason why I fight back, it's because they were forcing me to give all I can just to bring back the scholarship that I didn't give attention and just let it to be gone when my grades become low. It's my fault, yes.
At the age of 10, I'm already tired of all responsibilities that I am facing of even if I'm just a grade 4 student that time. I learn how to sell my family's business just to earn money every weekdays, and I used it whenever I need to pay something at school. At the age of 10, I already learned to wake up at 2am so that I can help them to finish the business that they were doing.
Those money that they were collecting, are just wasting at the playing cards or casino every afternoon, while me, I'm just inside the house and waiting for them to comeback because I have no one to talked to.
At that age, I was asking myself already if when I can feel the happiness that has no sadness, where is the happiness that will teach me to be me again.
I already mentioned to my last article that I am selling buko juice before.
Every weekdays, I was selling 30cups of buko juice where it was 10php (.1$) per cup but the commission was just 2php ($.01). My parents let me to keep the money that I earnedbduring those times. I can earned 300php or 6$ that time where I saved it to my piggy bank and I'm not touching them.
To be honest, I know I have a huge responsibilities since they were old already. But I don't know why I am too tired to go on, I am too tired to tell myself that I still can go. I'm tored to speak, I'm tired to open up, I'm tired to say what I really feel. Everything makes me feel tired, even the simplest thing makes me feel tired.
I feel like, I still have a huge responsibilities to go on and I still have a long road to go on. Even if I'm sleeping, I can't stop thinking about the future, I can't stop thinking about the possible things that I need to go through, if how I will continue to the next day, next week, next year, next decades. Or if I was still alive for the next decade, if where I will going to put all my strength for them not to drain.
I have a peace of mind here at Baguio, but it was ruined when my father called last day, all the words that he saidnto me years ago, they keep coming back to my head like it was from last day and it's driving me insane. I want to erase my existence, that's all what I can say.
Trying to be happy is okay, not until, you will feel sad again because of a small things that keep rounding above your head, where the result is you will start asking yourself why this and that happened. It's all matter, we all knownthat everything is matter.
Final Thoughts
My insomia hit me hard last night and it makes me stay awake until 5am and I slept only for like 2hours because I woke up at 7am again. This head of mine was already spinning, and I am happy because I finished all of the house thingy here at my partner's place and I am thinking to sleep so soon not until I remembered that I still need to cut a paper for her hamster. Even if I just have 2 hrs of sleep, it's still enjoyable though.
So how's everyone? I can barely visit all of your articles, I still need to renew some sponsorship to my list later at night when the connection was a bit faster already.
By the way, I wanma say thankyou @Talecharm for the sponsorship! And also for those who renew their sponsorship to me, thankyou so much 💓
May insomnia ka pala Langga. Yung mga problema Langga bigla bigla nalang dumadating sa buhay natin. Minsan iiyak nalang tayo bigla pero kailangan nating maging matapang Langga. Kailangan natin magpaka brave.