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Success: Overcoming Depression Through Forgivenes.
This article's content is based on my experiences from when I was a kid until now. Everything that you can read here is from my bad past, what the trials were, and how I overcame them. So enjoy!
So in my last article, I said, Forgiveness means letting go. So what is the main reason why I said this thing?.
Before we continue, I would love to ask you all.
For you guys, what does forgiveness means?
It's hard to forgive, we all having a hard time forgiving. We're all at the point where we keep thinking with the thought "Can I really forgive you?", Especially with people who have committed a great sin against us, right? We come to the point where we want to forgive, but anger dominates our feelings. Anyone with us has experienced this feeling.
When I was a child, I felt I was raised to be angry with the world. As a child, I felt I was raised in a meaningless world. I am active in the church but my mind is closed to everything, I believe in God but that disappeared when I felt that he had abandoned me. I felt different grief, different anger, different poverty, and sadness. At a young age, with a young body..I hated myself so much.
At the age of five or six, my ninang's husband raped me. At the age of six or seven, my nephew molested me. No one listened to me, not even my parents. They think I'm just joking, at a young age I ask myself what it feels like to die.
At a young age, I immediately hated myself. When I turned 12 years old, I hated the person I had even more. I used to hear that I was worthless, my parents even once asked me what I was good for. At a young age, with a young body and mind, I never thought I would try to kill myself.
At the age of thirteen, I believed nothing but that I was just a worthless person in our family. At the age of thirteen, I felt more the sadness that I didn't want to feel, the crowd opposed me, bullied me. I always ask myself, I don't do anything, I don't step on them or move them but why do I feel this way? I told myself that God was not real. That he doesn't guide me, of course, all this time I know that's wrong.
At the age of 15, I tried to injure myself. The pain I felt agreed with how I felt. I like the pain, I like the bitterness. But at that time I knew that what I was doing was very wrong, but I couldn't help myself because I thought I was worthless. I still remember, my grandmother used to make me happy. He always says that I shouldn't make myself sad and feed whatever I'm feeling, but when I remember that I get angry with God. I ask God why he lets me down and why he doesn't feel sorry.
At that time, what do you think I was thinking? Maybe at that time, I was cursing the world so much, I was so angry with the world and I almost didn't want to live anymore. I tried to commit suicide a few times, but every time I did that something stopped me. It seems like they don't agree, all of a sudden someone is coming, all of a sudden someone is there, and then when I wonder why every time I want to die, suddenly someone appears to prevent me from doing that. January 2021, new year's day. My family went to church and I didn't, the TV was on, I was just in my room arranging books in my aparador. As I stood up and listened to Mass, I asked myself, "what if I return to God? What if I return to him?".
And I said to myself, "it's not bad to turn back to God, nothing will be lost when I try again". While I was thinking about those things and suddenly something fell in the living room, so I was surprised. I thought that the dog might have touched something but I remembered that the dog came out at that time. When I came out I saw the bible, "The Book Of Psalm: The New Testament".
The book is open, he is in Psalm 23 itself. That time I just let it go, I said maybe it just fell, but when I closed it I suddenly read, "The lord is my shepherd, I shall not want". At that time I suddenly remembered what I was asking myself as if the truth suddenly struck me. I was so terrified, I felt at that time I had someone with me but I couldn't see. Suddenly I felt the wind, the wind was not heavy, it was light in feeling, as in it was really very light in feeling. It was nice to find the wind there, at that time it was as if someone was whispering to me, "Come back, he's waiting for you". Yes, I really feel someone whispering to me at the same time as the winds touch my skin. I just understood what the Holy Spirit means.
Until I thought of coming back to him, but at that time I was still letting go and I was just slowing down. Not until I met someone, she was a lesbian. But she was so godly, I was just surprised when I found out that she was godly, I didn't expect it. We were when I found out she was born again, that time she almost always told me the bible verse and then the Words of God.
She was one of my inspirations to return to God, she was one of the instruments given to me so that I could know God again. Until she included me in the cell group, those in the cell group were all from Baguio and I was from Iloilo. So far really. When I joined the cell group, I became even closer to God. Until one-time forgiveness became a topic, and I realized that I still didn't forgive those who wronged me.
So it's been a year since I opened up to myself what happened before. Like I don't really know how to say the word "forgiveness", I think is that the forgiveness that I can forgive but I have a grudge? wrong. That is the forgiveness that I will do, not because I want to but because I will choose to forgive myself.
After reading the chapter that is Entitled "Know That I Am Father: My Heavenly Father", I suddenly remembered my past. How sad and how disgusting to my own person I felt. Suddenly I was sad, it became clear to me that after that I still could not forgive.
Before I read that, I read "Know That I Am Faithful: In Times Of Adverse Trials.", It's all about temptation and yes everything said it is correct. That sometimes I am more poisoned by depression and I think I am alone, with no one willing to listen to me. Not knowing that God is still there and willing to listen. It makes me sick every time I hear those words "Jesus, Lord, God" or whatsoever before. During those times I didn't realize that he just wanted me to learn something because he allowed us to have our own freedom and so on, that's why we need those trials. And I am so thankful, not because I came back with him just because I wanted to believe but because of me, I made a decision that I’ll be back no matter what.
Maybe before I really hate it whenever I hear the word "Jesus" or whatever is connected with him, but when I started opening my life again, my heart and my ears and also my eyes, everything becomes clear. It’s just that I realized I did something wrong so I must forgive myself first, that I did something wrong which is very wrong so I need to choose the right decision again. That's when I choose to go back with him, and yes. I'm sorry. I knew I had been blind to what and who he was. But after those trials, it wakes me up to the reality that God didn’t leave me. He just wants me to learn something based on the experiences that I have gone through. And I am thankful because, after everything, he still chooses me as his own child, and still accepted me for being who I am.
So after that, I prayed deeply. I said that I would release the pain, I would forgive them. Only then did I understand that the thing that happened there was because of a mission, and a test. Maybe that mission will come back to him, and think about the reasons why I'm here. Because that test gave me the strength to stay and to know myself again.
I said everything I was afraid of while praying, when I finished I felt very light. It was as if I was free from the pain as if I had let go of the pain. So I told myself, forgiveness is not just for the relationship. But also for the people who made mistakes with you, it became clear to me that in the trials, the hardships I went through, the Lord did not abandon me. He guided me until I met him and came back to him again.
So what did I learn here? What I learned from this thing is that it is not bad to forgive, when you give your forgiveness to someone it is as if you have also freed yourself from what is right, as if you have allowed yourself to grow more and learn from every page and trials. which we go through. That God wants to convey, we don't see him but he is just there with us.
For those who have had a difficult past and for those who have gone through it, I know that's where the hardships come from and I know that's where your stress and depression or anxiety come from. Always remember that you are not alone, he is with you through thick and thin. I know there are times when the situation is so difficult that you almost give up, you let go. But just think about it, you are there in that place not because you can't do it but because you were put there because those above know you can do it.
We will not give up on our pasts and the hardships of life we are going through. God is always with us, we are not alone.