He keeps me going

Here I am again with my frustrations in life. I think I was born to be mad and sad for a lifetime. Honestly, I don't want to be born in the first place. If only there's a consent from us to be born, then I would not let it anyway. But my mother and father did so I am here. I know I am being too ungrateful at life and God would be mad at me. I just realized that maybe God gave Clea to me so I will know the meaning of life. Gradually, I understand that life is not all about happiness because if we are happy all the time, life would be boring.

When I was a kid, I envy other kids who I consider rich just because they call their parents "mommy" and "daddy". For my friends who are not here from Philippines, there's this belief that when kids call their parents as "mommy" and "daddy", they are said to be rich because the commonly used endearment here for our parents are "mama, nanay (for mothers)" and "papa, tatay" (for fathers). Funny, right? But I don't believe on it anyway. So yeah, I envy those kids because they have expensive toys and mine are just those I found somewhere along the road or just by the shore. There's this student who studied from expensive school who made fun of me. She was watching me while she's munching her burger and fries like she's making me admit that I am poor just because my snack is just a piece of bread and a juice made by my grandma. She even told her friends that she won't get close with poor kids. I was a kid that time and still don't know how to defend myself so I just sat quietly on my chair that is close to the window.

Sometimes, I also think why I belong to the poor ones among all people who are rich. There are a lot of rich people but I belong to the less fortunate ones. If we were rich, then Clea, my daughter would have the luxury of life. She will also have a lot baby dresses, a closet just for her and everything she needs. Well, we can provide her needs but not that extravagant. I liked the idea on TikTok from TikTok moms who posted their videos of their babies' trolley full of baby stuffs, a decorated room for their babies and everything a mom can provide. Yeah, you can call me desperate and all but I guess all moms want to give everything to their children. Perhaps I won't be able to give everything to Clea today but I am still hopeful that I can soon.

I really don't want to leave Clea but our situation is so hard and it made me decide that I should go back to work. I feel sad seeing Clea cry while my grandma is practicing her to latch on a feeding bottle but I have to endure it because what I am doing is just for her.

This afternoon, I prepared all the documents needed for this year's teacher's ranking. I think it's my third try this year and I wish I can have that teaching position I badly wanted. We spent a lot for it and I think the department of Education should give our pertinent papers back after checking everything so we can still use them for the next ranking if we won't be able to get the item because it's really costly. Those papers are just the same to what we are going to submit this year and I wish they can consider the idea of returning our documents.

More and more frustrations are everywhere. Lol. Please forgive me. I haven't written for days again and my thoughts are about to explode if I won't be able to let them out today.

I hope you won't be as mad and crazy as me, guys after reading my article. I know I've been so toxic since I gave birth but what can I do? These are what my mind says.

But, I am not letting them consume me because I have to nurse my daughter so I am doing everything to calm my mind. I need a healing.

Do you also want to heal?

Then let's talk to God. I've been doing it everyday and it's the reason why I am still functioning. He's the help we need.

Thank you fam for supporting me. I may not be able to respond immediately but I promise I'll make it up when I have the time. Thanks to my sponsors and to those people who upvote my posts. You guys are big help.

Ciao! ❤️