Full of Nothing

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Avatar for JonicaBradley
2 years ago

Flashes of half remembered dreams haunt me. Was it a dream? Was it a memory? Images and sensationd are fly, fleeting across my subconscious.

Arms pinned down above my head held in one hand. Sharp and painful finger bones bruising my tiny wrist bones.

Someone shouts, "NO!"

My eyes open. My stomach is clenched. My heart is racing. The vision is fading.

I smell coffee.

By the time I get out of bed the only sensation lingering is the sharp pain in my wrist. Where his bunny fingers hurt my skinny wrists.

The pain and an upset stomach. And a bad mood. And a heavy, cloying, clawing emptiness.

I travel through my day on auto pilot. The goats pick up on my sour mood. They act up, act out.

My mood worsens.

My husband picks up on my mood. He runs away.

I want to run away. Want to be able to run away.

He goes to town to run errands.

When he's here, he sits silently, appearing to listen, not wanting to hear the details.

He goes back to town. To the bank. To the post office. To buy cigarettes wine animal food.

Anywhere but near my mood.

He comes back only to get changed to go to work and I'm left alone. Empty.

Emotions from my late teens and early twenties batter me, batter my stomach, batter my brain. Back then I hated being alone.

Once again, I hate being alone.

I'm empty. But I'm full.

Maybe chocolate will help. No. It didn't. What else in the kitchen?

Nothing sounds good.

Open the fridge.

Nothing looks good.

Smoke a cigarette. Smoke another.

Open a bottle of wine. Gulp down wine directly from the bottle.

Flash of a memory long thought suppressed. Hip bones digging into my inner thighs. Carnival music. Whisky vomit. Mine?

Open the laptop. Try to write. Close the laptop. Pace about. Cook some salmon. Take five bites. No. That isn't filling me up either.

I'm too full of emptiness.

Fight back tears.

Text my husband.

Do some language lessons.

Read a book? Smoke more? Drink more? Eat more? Stream more?

Nothing sticks.

Nothing works.

Nothing helps.

Check the calendar, dreading, for the next therapy appointment.

Flooded with relief I see it is another week away.

But wait! That means I have to hold on for another week. Do they even make that much wine chocolate junk food ice cream cigarettes?

Fuck I want to get high.

I want a Xanax.

I want a shot. Smoke a bowl. Shoot some speed, some H. Drink some tequila. Do a line. Chase the dragon. Something. Anything.

Anything to fill this infinite gaping wound. Its emptiness pushing lumps in my throat. Its emptiness squeezing my insides. Its emptiness filling my eyes.

I don't want to think or feel or remember or dream.

Can't write. Can't concentrate. Can't stop up the hole. Can't cry for fear of never being able to stop.

Forced to remember.

Auditory flashbacks. Was it AC/DC playing at the carnival? Was I being raped to Back in Black?

Olefactory flashbacks. Whisky, piss, vomit, beer, and unwashed for days, dirty sweat. Speed sweat. Smelled like cat piss.

Was that the first time I had a needle in my arm?

Can't remember. Sort of remember. Don't want to remember.

Can't forget.

This is me. So full of emptiness. A gaping hole where my soul should be.

I don't like to be alone. It's easier to be distracted when someone else is around.

I can look outward instead of starting inward. Into the abyss.

It's so full. All the way to the top.

Full of emptiness.

. . .

images license free from Unsplash

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Avatar for JonicaBradley
2 years ago

Comments

This fits my life nowadays. I feel like I'm in a closed dark room alone and lonely.

$ 0.03
2 years ago

I'm sorry.

$ 0.00
2 years ago

No. It's fine. I'm working things out. I'm fighting it :)

$ 0.03
2 years ago

It sucks we have to have and fight these kinds of feelings. I'm fighting also. I'm glad you are fighting. I'm sorry you have to.

$ 0.00
2 years ago

Thank you 💘

$ 0.00
2 years ago

I wish you'd be able to surpass that loneliness and you'll be able to be just happy without being lonely . I feel your loneliness but I can't tell you that I know your pain because I'm no near in your position. You'll be okay I know that God will help you.

$ 0.00
2 years ago

As always, thank you again for having the courage to share it. It's best to talk about your experiences like this, than succumbing to them alone. I hope we can really re-write the past and delete some tragic memories, but we can't. All we can do is just move forward even it's hard. Remember these from time to time, and the pain is still there, even not the same as before. keep fighting, you are doing well. :)

$ 0.03
2 years ago

It's important to talk about those things but also to learn about them if someone hasn't experienced the same situation.

$ 0.00
2 years ago

It's probably the worse feeling to come across in random moments. I experienced it a lot this times of pandemic and thankfully my friends and family are there to help. I wish that you have someone to help you too when it happens.

$ 0.03
2 years ago

For the most part I do. I have a team of doctors to help with the chemical imbalance. I have a psychologist to treat the trauma response. I have a husband who is there for me and my friends, too.

$ 0.02
2 years ago

Ohhhh I'm sad to read your article. I hope you are fine now. Please enjoy your life. Don't be sad. Sadness, emptiness and loneliness sometimes are the part of our life but don't lose hope. Happiness waiting for you.

$ 0.00
2 years ago

I don't know what you've gone through but I do hope that you'll be finally be okay and the loneliness will fade away.

$ 0.03
2 years ago

I'm sure it will. I'm in therapy. It's supposed to help.

$ 0.00
2 years ago

I felt sad while reading this. I wonder how are you Ms Jonica while writing this. I can somehow relates the feeling of emptiness and it sucks and it's so lonely. I also don't want to be alone as well.

$ 0.03
2 years ago

I wrote it in real time. In other words, I write exactly what I was feeling in the moment.

$ 0.00
2 years ago

Ohhh that was sad. Hopefully your okay now Ms. Jonica

$ 0.00
2 years ago

"It's so full. All the way to the top. Full of emptiness."...They said it is lonely to be at the top, perhaps because there is only a little space and people have to fight against each other for that space?..I guess we all have this emptiness, some are just good at distracting themselves or in denial. I used to go to the beach before when I feel so empty and just stare at the horizon. It made me feel a lot better. But things have changed and are difficult right now so I had to find an outlet to express myself. One of them is this website.

$ 0.03
2 years ago

Writing is amazingly helpful.

$ 0.00
2 years ago

I agree :) TC.

$ 0.00
2 years ago

And this is also why I don't want to experience loneliness because I find it really hard to cope with. Hoping everything will get back to its place.

$ 0.03
2 years ago

It's seems like it's been ten thousand years since I've felt lonely. I usually prefer to be alone.

$ 0.00
2 years ago

When the time comes to ask can we control time? At that time, every human being had a story to write and it became the story of the journey of life

$ 0.00
2 years ago

I think really bad experience for you. You need to relax yourself in every situation.

$ 0.03
2 years ago

Trying as hard as I can

$ 0.00
2 years ago

I don't know what to say because I am sure what you are going through is very tough. And it maybe even my words of encouragement will never fill that emptiness. I just hope and pray that you feel better now.

$ 0.06
2 years ago

Thank you.

$ 0.00
2 years ago

I felt like my past came rushing to me while reading this. Sadness, emptiness, loneliness, worry engulfing me at once. They almost killed me.

$ 0.03
2 years ago

It can be a deadly combination. But taking about it helps. It's why it's so important to discuss not just the acts, but the aftermath. Even decades later this stuff still comes up.

$ 0.00
2 years ago

yes yes. hope we'll be well miss. I know for a fact that yourself and your fam will help you cope with such terrible emptiness. It kills really. And talking about it, like this, helps alot. even for me.

$ 0.00
2 years ago

Just fight for it and everything will turns to good someday. Have faith. You will be better soon. So just hold on.

$ 0.03
2 years ago

Holding tight.

$ 0.00
2 years ago

Yes you must so dont let go. Okay? :-)

$ 0.00
2 years ago

At first, I thought it was a story of somebody but as I continue reading each line I realized it was your story a real experienced. It was full of emotions but am hoping you feel better now.

$ 0.03
2 years ago

I'll get there.

$ 0.00
2 years ago

I can relate on this .. this is what I feel and running to my head when emotional stress attacks me..

$ 0.03
2 years ago

emotional stress is the worst

$ 0.00
2 years ago

That's true

$ 0.00
2 years ago

So sorry you had to go through all of that. Some days may feel empty but it can get better. And you also have us here, willing to listen and support you no matter what

$ 0.03
2 years ago

Thanks.

$ 0.00
2 years ago

Feeling the emptiness, is like being abandoned and lonely.. We feel so meaningless and just want to escape reality. 😔 That's so sad 😔

$ 0.00
2 years ago

yes.

$ 0.00
2 years ago

My chest feels so heavy reading this... I hope you are feeling better now...

This reminded me of someone who may be experiencing the same as you do having painful flashbacks of things past and I didn't know how to console or help her one time she did, so I just cried hugging her.

$ 0.03
2 years ago

That's all you can do, sometimes.

$ 0.00
2 years ago

Yes, I felt helpless so I was relieved when she allowed me to hug her.

$ 0.00
2 years ago

I can't help but get emotional with this. I can relate to feeling of emptiness. It's an endless pit yet suffocating.

$ 0.03
2 years ago

yup.

$ 0.00
2 years ago

Thanks.

$ 0.00
2 years ago

This article is so full of emotions that I don't know where to begin from. Whatever you're going through just calm down, take a deep breath and you'd be fine.

$ 0.03
2 years ago

This is so emotional, are you going through this or it's just a story? This was a beautiful write up, it felt...real

$ 0.03
2 years ago

Very very very real. And yes, currently going through it. It's harsh facing something that happened such a long time ago.

The emotions are stronger now than they were then. I survived this long by using chemicals to escape. Not really am option for me anymore, though. So, I've just got to deal with it. I have help. Therapy and medication and an incredible husband as well as friends and found family who are so supportive.

$ 0.00
2 years ago

I'm glad you're dealing with it positively, thanks for sharing your experience, I don't know much but this much I do, writing itself is therapeutic. I'm glad you have really supportive friends and a good husband, you have my support too

$ 0.03
2 years ago