August 10, 2022
We all are, at some points feeling like resting is not in our system due to unending responsibilities and goals we want to achieve. It's been a week since my health hasn't fully recovered yet, and it's the first time this has happened. Probably due to overworking my body as I often push myself to the limit to the point that my health is being compromised. I've been too harsh on myself and often disregard its wellness due to understandably, yet irrational reasons, when in fact, I can balance both health and work.
It's always been a battle between mind and body when dealing with overwhelming stuff on my plate. One would demand rest, but the other is inexorable that would just want to extend the working hours regardless of the health condition and continue hustling in sickness and in health, as its goal is to accomplish things in hand before the day ends. But sometimes when the body wants more rest, the mind is unstoppable and it seems to process a lot of thoughts that would make me awake even in resting hours. So I sometimes just want to separate my body and soul for a moment, if possible, to find at least some peace.
Contemplating what I have done in the past days, months, and years, that put me into this condition, I have no one to blame, but myself alone. This isn't the first sickness I encountered since I engaged in this online side hustle and stuffed more things on my plate. My eyes were the ones that were compromised first due to over-radiation exposure. Then it was followed by carpal tunnel syndrome in my arms due to prolonged usage of my phone, especially when writing articles.
Image from Unsplash by Kelly Sikkema
Although the cause of my current sickness is some climate factors, the long period of recovery made me reflect on myself and contemplate the mistakes I have done, or if I did something better not to repeat history as it seems sequentially appearing. Thus, there is no full recovery at all. One, two, or a few days of resting isn't enough, as recuperating needs to be done religiously to regain the wellness that has been compromised until fully recovered.
During the past two years that I've been working both offline and online, I often missed my old life where all I did in my break time was entertain myself by watching my favorite shows or listening to music. Despite the toxic and exhausting job, I never had more complicated health issues and I easily recover when getting sick in just a short period. My life has a lack of stress and distractions, no pensive sadness when getting knock-backs, no carpers and critics to mind, and only a few pain and discomforts.
Sometimes when I am sick, I get no desire to strive at all, both online and offline. That's probably because my body took over my mind and just wanted to slack on my bed. I rendered less time online to spend it resting during my spare time. But the consequences of it were something I don't want to bare. I got no desire and motivation to write something sensible and all my mind produced was purely nonsensical and random content. My thoughts seemed scattered so I couldn't get hold of them to put them into words. They are overwhelming, but the desire to put them in content sensibly, just faded.
And that's when I questioned myself again, what happened to the quality content I was implying before? What happened to the community engagement I was pushing before? I felt shameful and unmotivated to the point that I don't want to go online anymore, that I just want to disappear, or perhaps, start anew anonymously.
Undeniably, being productive is indeed a positive trait, however, we can't deny the fact that it has cons as well. Taking health for granted is one of those. Something most vital that becomes disregarded by many of us for the sake of achieving goals, for the sake of earnings. The money that is also vital becomes the root of sickness.
Oftentimes, I would ask myself if my productivity is getting a fruitful harvest or just more setbacks. Those earned figures are indeed worth grinding and spending time with, yet, in the real world, am I truly getting the real reward? It's always a question to myself that is unanswerable. Although I know the answer, I often defy the fact because my mind is superior to my body, and my body would just act by whatever it dictates.
If there is one thing I want to work harder on, it is to develop better self-discipline to avoid compromising an important aspect of life. I have said this nth times and tried to make things right a million times, but I always end up failing to acquire strong self-discipline. Why? Evidently, because I always think and do what I truly want, without thinking about the consequences. Because I always think I am productive and a risk taker, to the degree that I am jeopardizing my own peace and health. Because I lack self-discipline.
Image from Unsplash by Jared Rice
This health realization just reminded me that, there can't only be work and work, or life and life, there must be a work-life balance to maintain wellness and live harmoniously. And there must be self-discipline to attain this fully. Without it, everything is pointless as I'll just go back to the square root of one and history will repeat itself again and again until I stumble over and regret things and decisions again.
Again, SELF-DISCIPLINE!!!
Now that I am getting better, my other self would probably say, "hey yow, you're fine again. What now? Push yourself to the limit again? Screw you."
Life really sucks! Yeah it is.
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Sumakit nga din eyes ko sis nung subrang haba na screen times ko, it started nung nag umpisa ako sa hive hehehe... peru now i am trying to control myself. I put a time limit kung hanggang kailan lang ako mag cp hehehe. Di la nga ako nakapagsulat today kasi masakit mata ko kanina after crying... Hopefully makasulat ako dito sa read and bukas naman sa hive.