What do I really want to be in my life? What life do I really want to have? The continues rain allow me to ask those questions to myself.

It's been four days in a row, that our place is always wet because of the rain. Honestly at first I really like it. I love how the rain makes the environment cool and I love it's calmness. But as the days goes by, I started to felt bored. I even feel lonely and sad. Perhaps loneliness is trying to make me feel empty for no reason. Why? I also asked myself why I felt empty this way. But I fails to find some answer as I really don't know why I'm feeling this way, and somehow I even ask myself, am I really happy with my life now? I don't know, maybe? Maybe not?

I look around the house. I look every corner of it and I still found empty. Maybe I am just missing some people in my life. Maybe my family? Or maybe I am missing my old self 😁. Or maybe this is just the effects of boredoms. So complicated feelings.

I looked at my son. He was peacefully sleeping in his hammock. Despite the noise that the rain has, the cold weather let him sleep deeply. The rain gives him the assurance that everything is okay and he will be fine and so nothing to be scared about. He was sleeping innocently. And I love watching him like that. My precious little one, the love of my life is having a sweet dreams.

Inside our home is silent. It's also a little bit dark as I didn't open our lights to have some light. I just leave it gloomy.

Our cat on the other hand is also sleeping. The naughty cat of the house was stock inside, because of the continues rains . She cannot do hunting, she cannot play outside as well. The same with my son. Well, maybe when the rain stops she will go outside.

From our window I look outside, the rain looks like it has no plan to stop. A minute later I hear some kids screaming. I think they are having fun under the rain as I can hear them laughing. Oh! I suddenly reminisce my past.

When I was a kid I also love playing under the rain. I had no worries about the cold that I might get after. I smiled remembering those days in my memory. What is happening to me? I suddenly felt sad and my tear's formed. Why do I felt this way? I had no answer. I had no idea. I just feel it and it want me to feel it, until it started to run under my face. My old life, my old self. I am missing you. Then I realized I am already crying.

So silly.

Sometimes, some time like this would really come to make us realize about some things. Things that we did to ourselves, the decisions that we made from our past to our present and allow us to see the outcome of it and let us realize if what we did was right or wrong.

A time like this also allow us to learn after we did some realization, as it is giving us a chance to correct the things that we mistakenly did.

Fortunately instead of drowning myself with loneliness and regrets I diverted my attention. I stand up and started picking up my son's toys. He scattered his toys all over the house, that even in the kitchen there's a toys.

Then after I went to the kitchen to boiled some water as I suddenly felt hungry. I forgot that I haven't eaten yet and so I decided to cook some instant ramen to eat. When it comes to noodles I love spicy so I can eat more as I am not of noodles. Spicy ramen is great for rainy days.

At exactly four o'clock my son woke up, he sleep for two hours and that was already enough for him to have more energy to play. I'm somewhat grateful that I have my son with me, as he always makes me busy playing with him. I finally forgot my loneliness.

Sometimes I don't like rainy days and I don't like being stock inside the house, as it made me think about my mistakes and regrets. I don't like it as until now I haven't forgiven myself for that, but I'm on my process.

However I didn't wish to rewrite my life. I love my son so much and I don't wanna lose him somehow. I will allow the time to help me forgive myself.

Thank you for reading ❤️

Lead image was edited using Canva app.