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Motherhood Take Away My Freedom But I Found My Purpose
When I entered motherhood I barely prioritize myself anymore, it's always about my daughter's welfare that comes first. I feed her first before I do, when there is delicious food that I like to eat I let her eat first and whatever left will be mine.
I had to get up earlier than the usual so I can prepare food for her and fed her on time, to bathe her making sure she'll feel fresh all day long while sometimes I even forgot to wash my face. I don't take a bath as well everyday because I am only staying in the house all day and I can delay that as I am always preoccupied too.
When I can stay late at night before watching my favorite Korean drama, when I became a mom I hardly do that as I have to sleep as much as I can so I can have enough energy to watch her all day.
When I became a mother, I lost my freedom. I realized it all now that I wanted to do everything in crypto space, but I never regretted having daughter, as it was the most unexpected beautiful thing that ever happens to me.
When I was still single, I live alone in an apartment. My life only evolves in working and going back to the apartment after my duty ended. Even if I have the freedom to enjoy, travel here and there I wasn't able to do that too because I saved money. I also help my mom in supporting my siblings on their needs.
I felt suck that I wasn't able to enjoy my life yet I have to be responsible in helping my mom, although she's been bad before I cannot just turn my back on them. I have a soft heart, I always love them even if they are mean to me before.
I have the freedom to sleep all day long whenever I wanted because I am alone, nobody will supervised me or demand to me to get up early just to do this and that.
I felt so bored that almost all of my time after my work was filled with negativity, insecurities, and self-pity because fate has been damn mad at me. I even felt I was cursed and I have to pay for my parent's mistakes because I am the fruit of their mistake. My father was a married man, while mom doesn't know at the beginning that is why she has been fooled. So I got all the bad luck because of their mistakes.
Those are the reasons why I was very toxic with my boyfriend, I only want his attention since he is the only one who understands me. I didn't consider that he has a life as well, It's a good thing he never give up on me and we're still on until now.
Yes, I have the freedom to be myself before but I was EMPTY. Empty because I am always alone, nobody is keeping me warm (my heart lol not the one you think) as my boyfriend is working faraway, he only contact me very seldom when he was the only one to be there for me, you see how fate was so cruel to me? It seems my life doesn't have a purpose at all, just an unending misery and responsibilities.
When I was 24 years old, I had an unexpected pregnancy. My life turns even sourer as I had to go through a lot, while my partner has tribulations in his career as well. It seems like we are the pair of bad luck eh?
But because we have a daughter already, we strive hard to remain intact despite all the trials. My life routine has been changed as well.
Before I used to wake up late because I don't have to think about others but now I have to wake up earlier than my usual waking time as I have to prepare for my daughter's food, to feed her, bathe her and do anything that she needs before I consider feeding myself.
As most of my long-time readers know, I live with my in-laws, and living with in-laws is not that easy because it feels like you are being supervised 24/7. I don't have the freedom to do what I want because I have to consider their opinions and my daughter's welfare as well.
If you'll ask “Why don't you separate?” well, we'll come to that but not now. For some personal reasons and a long story to tell.
Yes, I lost my freedom when I became a mom. I cannot go anywhere I want because I have a daughter to attend, I have to consider the people that surround me, my partner, etc. I lost the freedom to have my ME TIME as my time is always preoccupied with mommy stuff, good thing crypto came into my life at least it is not that boring now.
I lost my freedom but I found my PURPOSE. Although I had a lot of struggles entering motherhood if I have the choice to roll back the time I will still choose the time that I had my daughter, that she came into our lives.
When she came, we reconcile with my mom. When she came, I slowly understand my mom that being a mother is not easy, why she had some bad decisions before because it's not easy to be a mom.
When she came, I wasn't alone anymore and I don't have all the time to think negativity, self-pity, and insecurities as I am always preoccupied.
I lost my freedom, but I found a home. My daughter and her father.