Just Skip Reading This!

I feel you, ms. Eyb. There are times when I want to explode too but i just go away and chill. Being the eldest sucks. Sometimes I also think that being alive sucks too!

I am very concerned about your life story, you have to stay strong to get through it because the storm is not forever and will surely pass, calm down my friend everything will be fine.

I did read it. Sorry.

And I'm so sad to read how difficult your life is. I'm also struggling with how I feel about certain things you wrote, and what I should, if anything, say in response. I mean, who the frick am I to even have an opinion, sitting here warm, dry and safe with government welfare giving me income. I've got running hot and cold water and a nice comfortable house with everything on and in it I need. Who am I to think I've got anything useful that I can say, while there is nothing in my life that can let me relate to your life and troubles in any way, and that's even without considering the differences in culture and heritage.

All I can do is consider what I would do if suddenly thrust into a situation like the one you describe. What things I'd consider and weigh in on making decisions, what I'd consider being a primary motivator and which are secondary to those. I can already pretty much guarantee that most of what I'd say would at best not be helpful and at worst upset you.

But nevertheless, I feel like saying nothing would feel like I'm just leaving you like a careless asshole, a privileged white European egoistic bigot that only cares about himself or something. I would feel guilty for some reason. And I do care, and I wish I could help in any meaningful way.

So I'm going to share my thoughts, damn the consequences. You can ignore it, or not, but please know that it is all coming from a hope to help, and from good intentions.

So here it goes:

Seems to me like the situation you're facing is damn near to a survival level. You also feel responsible for siblings and a mother, and you have a partner that instead of contributing is adding to the difficulties. There's one thing I know, which is kind of a Univeral truth regardless of situation, culture, or heritage that I think you're not realizing, or which you choose not to consider.

Caring for siblings, a partner, and a mother is a noble endeavor in principle. Feeling a sort of debt towards your mother for giving you life, being the eldest siblings culturally adds to feeling obligated to take care of younger brothers and sisters and love makes you blind and deaf to things that might negatively impact your relationship.

But none of this applies to you any longer.

There is one thing that supersedes any considerations related to parents, siblings, and your responsibility, real or imagined, towards their lives and situation. That one thing is that you have a child. Whether by choice or by circumstance, you have become a mother and that changes everything.

Not only is your child depending on you for surviving, and the conditions in which this surviving takes place but it also depends on you, and you alone, for the future.

You are a parent, and therefore you are what shapes her personality, her sense of wrong and right, her view of the world, and everything she is now and will be. Your daughter is the ONLY factual responsibility that you have to which any and all other considerations are subjugated. This is something that is dictated to you by human nature. This is something you cannot negotiate about or make compromises on. To do so would be wrong, and diminish you as a human being.

If this means your ability to fulfill your responsibilities, regardless of whether they should be yours or if they're rightfully expected from you, towards your siblings, mother or anyone else is diminished then so be it. In fact, if there's a question regarding the demands of your family, friends, or anything else and your daughter it's an actual example of "Asking the question is answering it". You see if you need to ask the question, make a choice, there is no question and the answer is always "Your daughter".

If doing anything takes something away from your daughter you can't do it. If there's the choice between Do I feed my daughter properly, having nothing left, or do I feed my mother and siblings and feed my daughter less?

less? Your mother and siblings do not eat. However harsh, unfair, and uncaring this sounds, it is the only right thing to do. And to be able to take care of your daughter and, make sure she's alright, you have to be alright yourself. Only when you are in the best condition or situation will you be able to care for those of your daughter.

Besides these primal, biological, and fundamental considerations there are other things to consider thinking this through. The way things are going right now it seems that your resources, meager as they are, get spread out so thin they can't even maintain the status quo let alone improve your situation in any way. This means that not only will you find things slowly getting worse, but they will also do so for all involved. Everybody is worse off over time. If you take those resources and use them to improve your and your daughter's situation then instead of 5 lives getting worse over time only 3 lives will, while 2 lives are improved.

Changing nothing will almost certainly mean that not only did your life and that of your daughter not get better, but your daughter will also be in the same situation too. She'll be repeating the cycle doomed to watch her child or children grow up to undergo the same trouble and grief she did like you are now watching your daughter grow up to face the same things your mother watched you grow up into.

It is terribly difficult and painful to acknowledge what I'm going to say and maybe even impossibly so, but like it is in physics and the Universe at large:

The Universe is under no obligation to make sense to you, be fair to you or care for you. It is what it is regardless of what you feel or think about it.

You need to tell your mother and your siblings you cannot help them anymore. You need to stop nobly and righteously trying to make the impossible possible and accept that even though you feel and get told you are responsible for your Mother and siblings you are not.

Your mom was and is responsible for herself and for your siblings as well as for you. Not you.

And regardless of why she failed and fails to live up to that responsibility, it is still hers. Heaping it over onto your shoulders is not going to solve anything. It will only make things worse and your daughter will inherit it when she grows up, perpetuating it for another generation.

Only by taking care of your daughter and your own needs, and improving your lives, can you hope to one day put an end to this, and maybe start taking care of others.

As far as your partner goes, if after 3 years of whatever it is he's trying to accomplish is not enabling him to provide for his family then it either never will or he's doing something wrong. Because all I said about your responsibility is predicated on you being alone. But if you're not alone, then the responsibility is at the very least equally shared. And your situation being this close to pure survival there is nothing, absolutely nothing, that can justify his failure to at least contribute to your daughter and your wellbeing. He is starting his career? No, he is not contributing to your daughter and your lives. He is the breadwinner for his family? You mean his mother and siblings? No he is not, he is responsible for YOUR DAUGHTER and YOU. At the level of your problems, there is no such thing as a career that could even be a factor in considering what to do and what not to do. He has then degree, good, when you have a home, have basic necessities (water, power, furniture) and have enough food he can start to think about chasing a career to go with it.

Because no matter where you are, who you are or whatever your situation is, parents have the obligation to provide at least that for their child(ren). A home, basic necessities and food and water.

If "your partner" is not contributing to this for you and your child, then he is not your partner but a burden your responsibility to your child does not allow you to afford. Your responsibility to your child also does not allow you to afford your mother and your siblings' strain on your resources. Not until you have a home and the rest. Your daughter has no choices. She cannot change anything. She depends completely on you.

If you want your daughter not to be in the situation you are in now, you need to take action. Now.

I apologize if what I wrote upsets you and hope that you can at least understand that I said what I said because it is something you need to be told, for your and your daughter's best interest. I don't want to upset you, make you sad, or make you feel more burdened than you already are. I want you to be safe, happy, and have an ever-improving future to look forward to. And from what I have read from you in this and other articles, knowing what little I know about you and your life, I got the impression that for whatever reason, be it pressure from your mom, her sister, your siblings, or "partner" or the cultural-historical values and traditions of your country/people, you were not taking in consideration how much your daughter and her future relies on and is shaped by the present and your action or inaction.

Please don't be mad at me. As I said before, I shouldn't really have an opinion or presume to tell you anything. But even if you are hella mad at me, block me, banish me and blame me, if at some point anything of what I said does any good however insignificantly small it is then I do not regret typing it. And even if it doesn't, I still stand behind every single word.

I hope things get better soon for you.

I have a friend that's the first daughter and also the first born, and her. Parent still depend on her, I always feel bad for her cause all this pressure do make her make wrong decision

Napupunp din talaga ang salop ee no. Why life has to be that hard. I hope maging okay na ang lahat soon. 🥺 Para naman mabawasan na lahat ng dinadala mo jan.

Luh ate eyb, sana maging okay na po kayo. Isa po talaga sa mahirap eh yung maging panganay. Pero ako, bunso ako pero parang ako na din naging panganay. Ramdam ko po yan kasi kahit hindi ako yung panganay, ako ang nahihirapan ngayon sa sitwasyon namin. Ayaw pa makisama ng kapatid ko hays.

Yeah yeah yeah 😊 I read it wisely ug kasabot ko ana. Mao gali gapaningkamot kog skwela aron makapabalay tag atua jud. Mao judna una nakong goal maka human kog skwela kaloy an sa Ginoo 🙏💪 ampo ta kanunay Kay Ginoo rajud makapa bag o satong kinabuhi 😣 ayaw kaayo dibdiba ang problema ikatawa ra natu na ah bahalag kapoy na haha

I know that you are in a bad situation but may Allah bless you and fulfill your desire. I am the eldest son of my family and I think I also got bad times or situations to suffer in my nearest future. Hope that you won't worry much and keep your faith on your creator.

Being the eldest is not easy you're being expected to your parents that you can uplift their life and sometimes they put their trust on your shoulder and that's gonna be easy I understand that friend being putted with so many responsibility coz you are the eldest one.

Being the eldest daughter puts a lot of responsibilities on you, I know how it feels to have parents and young ones looking up to you. But don't worry too much, things will get better!

Kanina nag iisip ako Kasi balak ko gumawa ng article about sa convo natin tapos naisip ko nandito kapatid mo baka mabasa haha pero okay Naman pala 🤣

It goes to show that you are a good daughter sis. That you cannot just sit back and relax while you're family is suffering. I feel you, I've been in that situation before but now that we all have a family of our own, medyo nakakahinga hinga na ng konte..

Should we post this on noisecash pra mabasa ng sister mo. I feel you madam.. That heavy burdens on your shoulders,... But at least, we have a home to live in..

Awww. I can feel your frustration, although we're not in the same situation. Anyway, laban lang. Makakaahon din tayong lahat at giginhawa ang buhay. Ehe! Pero ung crypto, nang-iiwan din sa ere eh. 🤧

Sending hugs to you ma'am Eybyoung. Dami talagang mga challenges na madadaanan natin pero kapit lang at laban kasi alam ko malalagpasan mo rin yan ma'am Eybyoung. May plano si God na maganda sayo in perfect time. Alam kong kaya mo yan ma'am Eybyoung. Magiging okay din ang lahat.🙏

I may not help you right now, but im praying for your situation to be okay and calm. I know you don't know me, but God is real and just lift up all your worries to Him. Just try to pray tonight.

Head up! Good times will come for the strong ones... and you are one of the diamond strong 💪 ❤