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2 years ago

I was just trying to be calm and relaxed when 2022 had entered but my frustrations inside are piling up. Sometimes I even asked why I was born to be the eldest daughter and have to bear everything, poverty, lack of guidance growing up yet I have to shoulder some responsibility for the broken family I grow up into.

Can I just enjoy my life without thinking so much responsibility? I'm so fvcking tired, I grow up dealing all the problems in life yet until now that I already have a daughter I'm still stuck with this shitty life situation.

I thought everything will be easy once my mom go back in our province but it's not since we don't have our own house. We have to live on my Aunt's house and my mom is not comfortable with it, she bought lot and build a nipa hut but we can't live in there yet. It wasn't built to be lived by but just so the lot won't be sell to other buyers. The place doesn't have electricity and water connection yet so it would be hard if we live in there.

My siblings are still studying and my mom doesn't have income anymore since she come back in here so I have to shoulder everything financially.

I thought I'm gonna be stress free once I came back here, although I had a little break from my in-laws presence the stress and deep thoughts with our current situation lingers on me ending up I get frustrated.

If we will transfer in there it will cost a lot because we have to rebuilt the nipa hut..I don't know anymore, I find our situation hopeless because we are financially unstable. I cannot spend everything I earned in crypto because it's my investment for my daughter's future, so she'll not grow up like me that endure every shits in life. I am also trying to grow it before I will have some big time project in real life.

I just want a HOME, home for my siblings and mom so they'll be together and HOME for my own family to have my own space. I'm so tired, I just want to evaporate.

I don't know who to blame this fvcking situation, I am feed up blaming since it cannot help at all. That's why I am doing my best to have my savings and investment grow so I can give my daughter good future, so she'll not end up being frustrated because her parents are incapable of providing her a better future. Whatever situation we have right now is the after effects of people who are having child without thinking if they can give their children a good future or not. Lack of education, ignorance and awareness that the child suffers more than them if they keep giving birth without financial capabilities.

I don't know if I'll still keep hanging on believing my first broken family will be in better situation. I am already building my own family without being financially stable as well in the beginning, my partner had a degree but we are also struggling because we are in the same situation. He is also a breed winner to his family, and his career has just started since he was unlucky for the past 3 years that we are together.

Ahhhhhhhhh!!! Life really sucks most of the time! Giving unlimited struggles and troubles.

Sorry, for writing my frustrations I just don't know where to bend this so I just wrote it down.

I wrote this one last week and I am feeling the frustration again.

It's really sad without HOME. You can't go home anytime you want. It's really tiring being the eldest, I have to share burden in everything. I can runaway but I can't do it, or else I'll lose some inner peace as well abandoning family. Damn it!

I JUST HOPE MY SISTER READING THIS CAN FEEL MY FRUSTRATIONS AND HELP ME! TO HAVE COMPASSION OVER OUR BROKEN FAMILY MATTERS!

Plus crypto is also messing up, imagine 1 BCH is now $290 as of editing this one. Geezz! Crypto market diving into hell.

Kbye, I hope you didn't read this!

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Date Published: January 18, 2022

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2 years ago

Comments

I feel you, ms. Eyb. There are times when I want to explode too but i just go away and chill. Being the eldest sucks. Sometimes I also think that being alive sucks too!

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2 years ago

I am very concerned about your life story, you have to stay strong to get through it because the storm is not forever and will surely pass, calm down my friend everything will be fine.

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2 years ago

I did read it. Sorry.

And I'm so sad to read how difficult your life is. I'm also struggling with how I feel about certain things you wrote, and what I should, if anything, say in response. I mean, who the frick am I to even have an opinion, sitting here warm, dry and safe with government welfare giving me income. I've got running hot and cold water and a nice comfortable house with everything on and in it I need. Who am I to think I've got anything useful that I can say, while there is nothing in my life that can let me relate to your life and troubles in any way, and that's even without considering the differences in culture and heritage.

All I can do is consider what I would do if suddenly thrust into a situation like the one you describe. What things I'd consider and weigh in on making decisions, what I'd consider being a primary motivator and which are secondary to those. I can already pretty much guarantee that most of what I'd say would at best not be helpful and at worst upset you.

But nevertheless, I feel like saying nothing would feel like I'm just leaving you like a careless asshole, a privileged white European egoistic bigot that only cares about himself or something. I would feel guilty for some reason. And I do care, and I wish I could help in any meaningful way.

So I'm going to share my thoughts, damn the consequences. You can ignore it, or not, but please know that it is all coming from a hope to help, and from good intentions.

So here it goes:

Seems to me like the situation you're facing is damn near to a survival level. You also feel responsible for siblings and a mother, and you have a partner that instead of contributing is adding to the difficulties. There's one thing I know, which is kind of a Univeral truth regardless of situation, culture, or heritage that I think you're not realizing, or which you choose not to consider.

Caring for siblings, a partner, and a mother is a noble endeavor in principle. Feeling a sort of debt towards your mother for giving you life, being the eldest siblings culturally adds to feeling obligated to take care of younger brothers and sisters and love makes you blind and deaf to things that might negatively impact your relationship.

But none of this applies to you any longer.

There is one thing that supersedes any considerations related to parents, siblings, and your responsibility, real or imagined, towards their lives and situation. That one thing is that you have a child. Whether by choice or by circumstance, you have become a mother and that changes everything.

Not only is your child depending on you for surviving, and the conditions in which this surviving takes place but it also depends on you, and you alone, for the future.

You are a parent, and therefore you are what shapes her personality, her sense of wrong and right, her view of the world, and everything she is now and will be. Your daughter is the ONLY factual responsibility that you have to which any and all other considerations are subjugated. This is something that is dictated to you by human nature. This is something you cannot negotiate about or make compromises on. To do so would be wrong, and diminish you as a human being.

If this means your ability to fulfill your responsibilities, regardless of whether they should be yours or if they're rightfully expected from you, towards your siblings, mother or anyone else is diminished then so be it. In fact, if there's a question regarding the demands of your family, friends, or anything else and your daughter it's an actual example of "Asking the question is answering it". You see if you need to ask the question, make a choice, there is no question and the answer is always "Your daughter".

If doing anything takes something away from your daughter you can't do it. If there's the choice between Do I feed my daughter properly, having nothing left, or do I feed my mother and siblings and feed my daughter less?

less? Your mother and siblings do not eat. However harsh, unfair, and uncaring this sounds, it is the only right thing to do. And to be able to take care of your daughter and, make sure she's alright, you have to be alright yourself. Only when you are in the best condition or situation will you be able to care for those of your daughter.

Besides these primal, biological, and fundamental considerations there are other things to consider thinking this through. The way things are going right now it seems that your resources, meager as they are, get spread out so thin they can't even maintain the status quo let alone improve your situation in any way. This means that not only will you find things slowly getting worse, but they will also do so for all involved. Everybody is worse off over time. If you take those resources and use them to improve your and your daughter's situation then instead of 5 lives getting worse over time only 3 lives will, while 2 lives are improved.

Changing nothing will almost certainly mean that not only did your life and that of your daughter not get better, but your daughter will also be in the same situation too. She'll be repeating the cycle doomed to watch her child or children grow up to undergo the same trouble and grief she did like you are now watching your daughter grow up to face the same things your mother watched you grow up into.

It is terribly difficult and painful to acknowledge what I'm going to say and maybe even impossibly so, but like it is in physics and the Universe at large:

The Universe is under no obligation to make sense to you, be fair to you or care for you. It is what it is regardless of what you feel or think about it.

You need to tell your mother and your siblings you cannot help them anymore. You need to stop nobly and righteously trying to make the impossible possible and accept that even though you feel and get told you are responsible for your Mother and siblings you are not.

Your mom was and is responsible for herself and for your siblings as well as for you. Not you.

And regardless of why she failed and fails to live up to that responsibility, it is still hers. Heaping it over onto your shoulders is not going to solve anything. It will only make things worse and your daughter will inherit it when she grows up, perpetuating it for another generation.

Only by taking care of your daughter and your own needs, and improving your lives, can you hope to one day put an end to this, and maybe start taking care of others.

As far as your partner goes, if after 3 years of whatever it is he's trying to accomplish is not enabling him to provide for his family then it either never will or he's doing something wrong. Because all I said about your responsibility is predicated on you being alone. But if you're not alone, then the responsibility is at the very least equally shared. And your situation being this close to pure survival there is nothing, absolutely nothing, that can justify his failure to at least contribute to your daughter and your wellbeing. He is starting his career? No, he is not contributing to your daughter and your lives. He is the breadwinner for his family? You mean his mother and siblings? No he is not, he is responsible for YOUR DAUGHTER and YOU. At the level of your problems, there is no such thing as a career that could even be a factor in considering what to do and what not to do. He has then degree, good, when you have a home, have basic necessities (water, power, furniture) and have enough food he can start to think about chasing a career to go with it.

Because no matter where you are, who you are or whatever your situation is, parents have the obligation to provide at least that for their child(ren). A home, basic necessities and food and water.

If "your partner" is not contributing to this for you and your child, then he is not your partner but a burden your responsibility to your child does not allow you to afford. Your responsibility to your child also does not allow you to afford your mother and your siblings' strain on your resources. Not until you have a home and the rest. Your daughter has no choices. She cannot change anything. She depends completely on you.

If you want your daughter not to be in the situation you are in now, you need to take action. Now.

I apologize if what I wrote upsets you and hope that you can at least understand that I said what I said because it is something you need to be told, for your and your daughter's best interest. I don't want to upset you, make you sad, or make you feel more burdened than you already are. I want you to be safe, happy, and have an ever-improving future to look forward to. And from what I have read from you in this and other articles, knowing what little I know about you and your life, I got the impression that for whatever reason, be it pressure from your mom, her sister, your siblings, or "partner" or the cultural-historical values and traditions of your country/people, you were not taking in consideration how much your daughter and her future relies on and is shaped by the present and your action or inaction.

Please don't be mad at me. As I said before, I shouldn't really have an opinion or presume to tell you anything. But even if you are hella mad at me, block me, banish me and blame me, if at some point anything of what I said does any good however insignificantly small it is then I do not regret typing it. And even if it doesn't, I still stand behind every single word.

I hope things get better soon for you.

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2 years ago

I clearly know about your point that it's not my obligation anymore to shoulder some responsibility for my first family but our culture is different from your culture..

I forgot to tell that this is only temporary, I won't do it for a lifetime that's for sure because like you said I have to prioritize my daughter and that is my plan too. For the meantime that my mom cannot stand yet, I'll help her a little bit. I clearly fvcking know it should be their responsibility to uplift their lives but a Filipino culture I grow is always warm and compassionate over family.

And for my partner, that is also the same.. we are in the same situation, we were pressured by this thing, but we will not do it for lifetime just for the time being.. just at least when we moved to make our lives better nobody will hold grudges on us for being selfish. If things won't be settled for us within less than three years as I am really a considerate person but I also have limitations I have to rethink on changing our set up. I can't live like this forever or my mental health will be at stake.

I appreciate your time and giving your opinions, I always will and value it. I just apologize writing this when I know this is just temporary, it's just that I can't bend this to anyone because the situation is too bothersome to listen.

Thank you for the sponsorship as well :)

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2 years ago

I don't see any need for you to apologize. And to be honest, it being temporary as you call up to three years does make a difference in how my response would have been, but thats with some ifs attached to it.

I have no idea how old your kid is, but from about the year 4 to 6 the situation that the child is living in will be... i think the best word would be imprinted into the mental build up as being "The way i grew up in my younger years".

That sense of how they live and their social level (which for kids is derived from how they live and what do mommy and daddy do) is the foundational stone of the person they will become as adult. It is the foundation on which their eventual "Me" is constructed.

It will have effects on almost every aspect of their personality, like how they value themselves, where they place the line between possible and impossible and has a huuuuge impact on what they consider their roots.

I cannot overemphasize the significance of the sense of self the kids develop from that age. If the majority their situation at that time in their development consists of "living with my mommies aunt, just like my granny, my mom, my uncle, my aunt. We had to live there because we didn't have a home for ourselves." you can imagine how and what this will influence in their development.

It is how they will initially introduce themselves to their peers like neighborhood friends and schoolmates, and depending on the responses to that they try to figure out where on the social ladder they belong. In fact many if not all professionals maintain that, in fact, those years are one of the, if the not THE, most important and impactful years in their entire lives.

And you state you consider three years at the most as being temporary. The impact on who your daughter will be is going to be, literally, a lifetime.

I don't want to be the depressing @$$#013, determined to break down every bit of justification you rely on to justify your situation and choices to yourself. But caring for a parent, which has the consequence with it that said a parent can get close with the grandchildren (or even play a caring role in their lives) have more than 70% chance to turn out to be a permanent arrangement.

I had a friend that agreed to let his mother move into his house when she was recovering from a relatively minor surgical procedure. It would only be for a couple of months. But this recovery met with some complications, then his mom met with some setbacks, one of which being the unavailability of medical personnel due to Covid, another being diagnosed with another illness, and then being faced with choosing between a nursing home or continued care until the end of life.

A final remark is that I know there is much cultural difference between us. But that changes nothing in regard to this issue. When it comes to your child, regardless of culture, the child cannot be a factor in the decision on if and how long does one support one parent. The question should not be asked. The consideration should be, If I support my parent, does that negatively impact the life of my daughter in any way? If the answer is anything else than "No it only has positive consequences then there cannot be support for the parent of the parent.

This is the same for the father (if that's the partner you refer to), and the answer is also the same.

So... three years in the life of a five to eight-year-old is a very long time and will have, 100% certainly, an influence on the child that is damaging and life lasting.

I know pressure from outside the decision entitled core of the situation (you, child, partner) is unapologetically hard. That is understandable and partly justifiable. That is, when the pressured does not have children. When the pressured is a parent him/herself, the pressure should stop and apologizing for having pushed that pressure should begin. Even more importantly the pressured should instinctively, actively and ferosciously ignore any pressure, if sesceptable to it at all.

i apologize for going on about this. It's something i care deeply about because my life has largely been effected by a situation almost identical though (and I'm still in denial about that number) in my case it was in the late 70's). Looking back at it objectively and honestly it was the death of my father 6 months before i was born, that made the issue of whether my parents were going to care for my grandmother on my father's side or not a moot point after which my mother was pressured (under the justification that she was alone, to grief stricken and irresponsible. to care for me) to officially transfer the care for me over to my grandparents temporarily. That temporarily lasted until my parents and grandparents passed away. the final words spoken on it when my grandmother died a little over a year ago.

So I'm not coming from a place of ignorance or arrogance but one of recognition, experience and compassion.

That nevertheless is not a freepass to become another pressure on you and i feel i have become one in these two replies far too much. For that i truly am sorry and apologize from the depths of my heart, and i promise never to mention it again.

Hope you have an awesome week, and wish you safety, happiness and good fortune!

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2 years ago

I have a friend that's the first daughter and also the first born, and her. Parent still depend on her, I always feel bad for her cause all this pressure do make her make wrong decision

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2 years ago

Yeah, the pressure is really making headaches to us.. 🤦

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2 years ago

Napupunp din talaga ang salop ee no. Why life has to be that hard. I hope maging okay na ang lahat soon. 🥺 Para naman mabawasan na lahat ng dinadala mo jan.

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2 years ago

Sana nga nakakapagod din talaga.

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2 years ago

Luh ate eyb, sana maging okay na po kayo. Isa po talaga sa mahirap eh yung maging panganay. Pero ako, bunso ako pero parang ako na din naging panganay. Ramdam ko po yan kasi kahit hindi ako yung panganay, ako ang nahihirapan ngayon sa sitwasyon namin. Ayaw pa makisama ng kapatid ko hays.

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2 years ago

Yeah yeah yeah 😊 I read it wisely ug kasabot ko ana. Mao gali gapaningkamot kog skwela aron makapabalay tag atua jud. Mao judna una nakong goal maka human kog skwela kaloy an sa Ginoo 🙏💪 ampo ta kanunay Kay Ginoo rajud makapa bag o satong kinabuhi 😣 ayaw kaayo dibdiba ang problema ikatawa ra natu na ah bahalag kapoy na haha

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2 years ago

I know that you are in a bad situation but may Allah bless you and fulfill your desire. I am the eldest son of my family and I think I also got bad times or situations to suffer in my nearest future. Hope that you won't worry much and keep your faith on your creator.

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2 years ago

Thank you friend, I hope we can survive in this eldest thing later.

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2 years ago

Yeah I also hope that. But don't know how hard time is going to be.

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2 years ago

Being the eldest is not easy you're being expected to your parents that you can uplift their life and sometimes they put their trust on your shoulder and that's gonna be easy I understand that friend being putted with so many responsibility coz you are the eldest one.

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2 years ago

Yeah, giving pressures, headaches and etc. But still hoping everything will be better later on.

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2 years ago

Yups we still hoping that this will be temporary and will be okay soon, be patience for a while.

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2 years ago

Being the eldest daughter puts a lot of responsibilities on you, I know how it feels to have parents and young ones looking up to you. But don't worry too much, things will get better!

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2 years ago

Thanks , I hope so too everything will be better soon.

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2 years ago

Kanina nag iisip ako Kasi balak ko gumawa ng article about sa convo natin tapos naisip ko nandito kapatid mo baka mabasa haha pero okay Naman pala 🤣

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User's avatar Yen
2 years ago

Haha sulat ka na lang pero wag mo na sali convo natin yung part na yun

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2 years ago

It goes to show that you are a good daughter sis. That you cannot just sit back and relax while you're family is suffering. I feel you, I've been in that situation before but now that we all have a family of our own, medyo nakakahinga hinga na ng konte..

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2 years ago

Yun nga sis eh, siguro makakahinga lang pag nagsi asawa na sila.. pero kailangan ko rin talaga maglagay hangganan kasi baka mabaliw din talaga ako pag nagtagal haha

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2 years ago

Korek, kaso matiis mo kaya sila hehe

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2 years ago

Should we post this on noisecash pra mabasa ng sister mo. I feel you madam.. That heavy burdens on your shoulders,... But at least, we have a home to live in..

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2 years ago

Hehe andito din naman sya sa read.cash madam.. oo at least kayo may bahay naman kayo kami wla hirap pag wala bahay.

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2 years ago

Awww. I can feel your frustration, although we're not in the same situation. Anyway, laban lang. Makakaahon din tayong lahat at giginhawa ang buhay. Ehe! Pero ung crypto, nang-iiwan din sa ere eh. 🤧

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2 years ago

Kaya nga isa pa yan dagdag sakit sa ulo haha. Thanks Florie, grabi yung frustration lagpas leeg na jusko.

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2 years ago

Sending hugs to you ma'am Eybyoung. Dami talagang mga challenges na madadaanan natin pero kapit lang at laban kasi alam ko malalagpasan mo rin yan ma'am Eybyoung. May plano si God na maganda sayo in perfect time. Alam kong kaya mo yan ma'am Eybyoung. Magiging okay din ang lahat.🙏

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2 years ago

Sana nga darating ang time na yon at malalagpasan rin namin to..Thanks Ramona for your time.

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2 years ago

Mangyayari yan ma'am Eybyoung tiwala lang po kay God.🙏 Andyan lang siya lagi para sayo ma'am. You're always welcome po.❤️

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2 years ago

I may not help you right now, but im praying for your situation to be okay and calm. I know you don't know me, but God is real and just lift up all your worries to Him. Just try to pray tonight.

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2 years ago

Thank you so much for your kind words. I appreciate it. I will pray

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2 years ago

Thanks ate. Just remember that He is always there, always.

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2 years ago

Head up! Good times will come for the strong ones... and you are one of the diamond strong 💪 ❤

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2 years ago

Thanks PVM for always cheering me up even on my shitty moments in life, I appreciate it so much.

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2 years ago

Always here ... specially when you needed most!

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2 years ago