Welcome to my Messy Life: Traumatized, Sleepless, Funny Happenings

As you noticed, I am not active here for almost 2 days. I opened my account here and then wanted to read some articles but my brain can't accept the words that i am reading. I even tried to write an article instead but my fingers can't start typing and i was just staring at the screen of my phone- emotionless in hours. Even right now, it's already 1 AM in the morning and it's hard for me to type these words and i'm just fighting my fingers to type just to finish this.

What happened to me during that days that i am gone here? Before i will answer that question, let me tell you that this article will be a rant again. (Di paba kayo sanay?)

Traumatized

Last March 26, 2022 at 4 something in the evening, This is the date and time of the day when i feel traumatized again. Until now, I blame myself for what happened.

My hand...i still feel the dirt that i commit on that day. I hate people who k!ll dogs but look what i did. The funny thing is, i became like them. I never want to be like them but i became like them-- unexpectedly.

Here is the story happened:

FLASHBACKS:

Date: March 26, 2022

Time: 8:** AM

I'm done walking my dog on the street and i supposed to enter inside of our house when, My Aunt which is the wife of my Uncle Engr. Called my name. Even though, i hate talking with them, I don't want to show how i hate them. She told me that they need to borrow the dog which is colored grey (His name is Pampu and he is a Half Shih tzu and stray dog. His color is greyish with a tiger prints on his body). She explained to me that someone wants to breed their female dog with that kind of color because they likes the color of our dog. At first, I have dubt. Because of my past experiences of what happened to the previous dogs that we had before. But they res assured to me that they will back the dog onced that they are done. So I said, Okay (but the whole time, I am waiting for people who will get him in case...).

Time: 4: ** PM

The time comes when they called me that the two people who will get him came already. I look at them when i arrived at the plaza. They are not inoccent they looks as if they get drunk. But even though, i feel a little at ease when i saw that they have 2 kids there.

I go back to the kitchen to get some food to feed our dog first before getting him. I am shocked when i saw a sack our Uncle told me that they don't have extra leash and cage so, they will sack him nalang.

I hold Pampu because they told me that i am his owner and he will be just listen to me. Even though, I don't want to put him on the sack, I don't have a choice because if i will complain my grandpa is there and he was signing as if he will punched me.

Then...I talked to my Sister's boyfriend. I told them what happened and he told me that, don't believe them. They already sold him. I... was dumb founded after reading the text that he replied to me. So I stared into my both hands and i feel like i k!lled someone. My hands are dirty...slowly...my eyes became dark and so, I spend the whole night until dawn washing my hands.

Sleepless

Because of what happened on that day, i can't sleep properly. I can't even talk properly. I spend the whole day yesterday inside of my room. Like what i usually do, i closed my both ears because of the invisible rain in the roof everytime that something like this happened.

I passed out too without their knowing and thought i am just sleeping peacefully on my bed and wake up crying because i remember him.

Even though, I like to sleep...eat...and rest, I can't because i feel guilty of what i did. I still feel how my hand touch him and put him on the sack and if i close my eyes, i remember his cry.

Fun Part for Today

Today, I am still not in my usual self. But, I need to get up and fight this feelings right now. Even though, i want to de@d too because that is the only thing i can do to meet my pets again in heaven. Because I missed them already and i wanted to say sorry because I am a terrible Furmom.

I really hate myself right now to the point that, it hurts my heart. I think, I deserved this pain.

I decided to go to the store to buy some food because there's no viand for today again. I go to my room and supposed to get my Php 400.00 or $7 that i kept but I found no money inside of where i put my money last June 25. I never touched my money that supposed to be my allowance for load balance or emergency that i need to buy. I never go out after that days so my money is only there.

If you are wondering why i need to go my room is because since when I have a new dog, I never sleep there again. I am sleeping at the guest room of this house because i don't want my room to be smelled of dog's pee. I didn't know that there is someone sleeping in my room that days that i am not sleeping there and that is my younger boy cousin. My Grandma let him sleep there without my permission. Well, it's okay for me since, the bedsheet cover is not my bedsheet cover that i bought and I am still fixing my room again because i changed my things' places.

It's bad to accused someone that i didn't even see them do/steal it so, I didn't talk here after i found that my money was gone. I just said that my money is missing. I didn't misplace my money too because i never touch it again after that day.

Final Thoughts...

I don't know what happening to my life now. These things that happened to me trigger my depression again. There's a moment that i wanted to buy a rope and use it to end my life because it's too much already.

I can't handle how these people around me...how they are so cruel to me.

I wanted to bought sleeping pills because i will just remember what happened always and here i am typing these words crying again because i remember of what i did.

Sorry for being a killer of a dog guys... forgive me. Forgive me. I am disguted to myself too. Sorry. I didn't know. If my life will be the payment for what i did, i am willing to give. I am willing to recieve some pun!shment from above because i commit a sin.

I don't know how i will end this because my mind is still at blank and can't get over to what happened. I am still waiting that my dog will come back home.

I published this to update you if what is happening to me now.

My Previous Articles:

Courting version: Do I still need to give you a way if how can you win my heart?

I bought my new dog's things that he need

My Short patience of teaching my younger cousin was paid off

My Plans for my Birthday was gone in just a second again

Give me a chance to visit these 3 places please!