After I recieved that text message...

Five days ago, I published an article. It's all about a message that I didn't expect to receive. If you haven't read it yet, here is the article I published a few days ago [link].

Being a woman is very difficult, though, because we are always the ones who are victimized by the wrongdoings of bad guys. It's either from a stranger, from someone you know, from a family member you know, from someone you expected to trust, etc.

Many people said that if you don't want to be sexualized by men, dress properly. Though we are dressing properly, we still can't stop them from thinking badly.

In our house, I am comfortable in jersey shorts or pajamas, and I wear oversize shirts. If I will wear short shorts and a sando, I always make sure that I can just wear them when I will be going to sleep and locking the door of my room.

My grandma is always strict when it comes to how we dress, and she always makes sure that we aren't wearing too much revealing clothes, and if we are, she always spanks us on our buttocks and or pinches us on the side of our stomachs. and I can say that she raised us well. She always protects us from men.

And because of our strict grandparents, I have trust in the males of our family. Because to think that they are doing harm to the young girls in our family is not their thing because they are professionals and educated, like valedictorians and salutatorians in school,

So when I read that text, my grandmother, mom, older sister, and I couldn't really believe that one member of our family could do this kind of thing.

It's been days after I read that text. I may act as if everything is normal. I smile, laugh, and tease every person on chat when you talk with me, but you know what?

I cried every night.

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I didn't expect that I would experience this kind of thing. I always ask myself, "Why?" Why Me? Did I do something wrong? Do I deserve this kind of treatment from someone who is in our family?

What did I do to them, and why are they being like that to me?

It's hard to accept that they didn't respect me. I can't accept that they can send a message like that.

Yes, I'm not pretty; I'm not sexy; I'm not a girl who they can treat like a princess, but I still wish that, even though I'm not that kind of girl, I deserve some respect too, because I am a girl. I am a woman.

And I feel insecure around other girls because some men seem to be respecting them, and I wish I was too.

Aside from crying every night...

I can't stop myself from having suicidal thoughts.

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How I wish I hadn't received that text. So that my depression and anxiety won't come back, but here we go again—thinking negative thoughts, but I'm doing my best to fight them, and it didn't stop me from writing blogs.

After I read that text message and told my Mom and older sister about it, I almost attempted again to kill myself because I felt like a dirty woman and it made men think bad things about my body.

It's hard to sleep because he might text more and more.

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I tried my best to sleep, but I can't stop myself from overthinking those "what ifs." What if he texts me again? What if this time it's not asking me to do s-x but treating me because he knows that I reported it to my mother, grandma, and older sister?

I can't close my other phone, which is where I received the message, because I need the number for important purposes because, like I said, that number is for important documents and it was registered to all the important matters, and every time that I receive a message, I can't stop myself from overthinking that he might be the sender of that text, so I don't open it, and when I do open it sometimes, it always makes me close my eyes first before reading the message.

I became sensitive to men in our house.

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There was this moment after I read that message when I became sensitive around men here at our house. Even if they are just talking to me nicely, I will answer them with a shout, and even if they just touch my arm, I will feel scared and can't help but distance myself.

I, my older sister, Mom, and Grandma are the only ones that know about that text message, and our Grandpa didn't know about it yet because we all know what will happen next when he does. Maybe a war between families will happen because this is a very serious topic to us, especially since our uncle was their daughter's husband and they are now married and have a kid.

But someone said to me that I should talk about this with the head of our family, which is my grandpa, so that he will be aware of what happened and so when this will happen again, he will already know who is behind it.

Conclusion...

I really don't like to talk about this, but I can't stop myself from expressing my thoughts after I received that message.

You know what I realized after I read that text and knew if there was someone behind that text message? I couldn't stop myself from being scared after all those days. That's why he was so nice to me and my dog when he was here because he texted me something that he couldn't take back, and it's creepy for me.

As of now, I'm doing my best to divert my attention. I was so very thankful that in the past few days when I wasn't okay, I always had someone to talk to, and he made me happy and feel safe.

How I wish I would be okay again and back to normal, and that I would forget this event. Because it's hard... it's hard to live every day while you have something like this inside your head and have something unexpected happen.

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