10/13/2021
If you want to be an understanding person, please.. please, don't always compare someone to others. Please, don't do that. Your friend my not show it, but what you did bothers her so much.
Until now.
Someone, let me call her Kate, just talked to me last night. She told me that she's chatting with a batchmate of mine on my student days. I secretly face palmed. I know where this is going.
She told me that this batchmate, let's name him Josh, is now also working like me. He has a salary three steps higher than I have, and I won't mention the amount. I said, oh really. She added that Josh is working from home. (My work does not encourage work from home.) She emphasized I graduated earlier than Josh.
I was about to snap, but I politely told her, "I am staying in my job, until I decide to leave."
Now, what do I wanna tell with this story? Kate did not directly compare me with Josh, but judging from her words, she obviously wants me to do something. To make me think that I am less than what Josh has achieved. I mean? You think I feel better after you said that, Kate? Thanks to you, I could not stop thinking how slow my growth is, from last night, until now that the afternoon is arriving. Damn this overthinking. Damn this low self-esteem.
I have overcome my own tendency to compare myself with others, thanks to Kate, it was relived again. Now, I can't help but to think of bad things about my job, the opinion that I am getting less than what I deserve, and that a certain Josh is easily making more money than me, when he finished later than me. These thoughts, and others, repeatedly ran through my mind for countless times, and it even distracted me heavily at work.
I am still not over with losing my kitten, and just thinking about these stuff always made me risk breaking down in front of the computer today. I am thankful to some of my colleagues, that whenever they ask me questions about work, I get distracted from my suffocating thoughts, and they don't know that. I am still grateful.
I usually work peacefully alone during work hours, either writing, typing, analyzing or computing numbers and other things. Alongside these activities, my mind works simultaneously. It always overthinks, and thinks, and thinks again. Nonstop, that it's distracting me, that I had to go to the restroom and do some calming breathing exercises.
It was a lunchtime and I wanna go home. Or elsewhere I can be alone. I just want a complete silence without people bothering me, or causing me to think again of things I worked hard to overcome.
I did not contact Josh anymore, and all my other batch mates, ever since. It's my own way of getting rid of my habit to compare myself with their progress. It was hard, every step of it. I also abandoned (though not fully) most of my social media accounts to let myself live in peace.
To everyone who's reading this, and experiences what I am going through right now, it's understandable. Its understandable that you also think of many possibilities, or what ifs, and could have beens, when you observe the people around you. I know how it feels. To be regretful of your own decisions and see yourself as incapabale, whn others are doing more. And to always think you're an underdog, that it's the most you could do, and it's still ain't enough.
I know that feeling very, very well.
If you only have me, so you could have something you can brag to your friends, then I apologize that I am not like that. I apologize that I can't be someone you can be proud of, even I am doing my best every single freaking day. I am sorry that I can't flex a thick paycheck every 15th of the month, or at least as thick as the peoples you compare me with. I hope this apology would make you understand how damaging it is to me whenever you do those things, and say those words. I know yo mean no harm, but it affects me so bad. What am I to do again? For sure, I'll be thinking about it again bafore I sleep tonight.
My emotional battles came one after another this month. I am still fine, though not a hundred percent, not even fifty. I am trying to fight back everyday at all of these shts life threw at me recently. I am fighting, and have no intention of giving up.
Before lunch, a song played on the radio that almost.. almost triggered a tear to fall down. I know that when a tear falls, it will be followed by a raging rain of more. Good thing I was able to hold it in. The song is "Fight Song" by Rachel Platten. An old song, yet gold.
"My power's turned on,
Starting right now, I'll be strong..
This is my fight song.
And I don't really care if nobody else believes..
'Cause I still got a lot of fire left in me."
That's right. I am a fighter, and this is just one of the battles I am meant to win. No matter how many Kates will be put in front of me, I won't let them define my own meaning of success. After all, it's my life, and not theirs.
I repeatedly tell myself these words and I feel better as of now. It would be hard to rid me of this tendency to compare myself with my peers, but I was able to fight it last time. I can do it again.
Final Thoughts
Personally, I find it okay to compare people. And I guess it's normal. But in some cases, it's not. If you experience what I experience, it's really not fun. I hated it. This personal blog is not meant to hate people who compare, but to call out those who overdo it.
Hello, folks.
A gloomy Wednesday, both in the weather and my feelings tonight. Do you like being compared to other people? I mean, generally it's not, right? Especially when it's about your progress, your current status in life, vs. someone else's. Isn't that rude, though? Maybe I am overreacting, or maybe it's because I always experience it here. It's okay once, or twice, but more than that, it's hurtful. It's like I am less than other person basing only on things that may always change.
Anyway, today is a Thursday, but this blog's messed up, because I could not publish it yesterday due to faulty connection (thanks, rain) and my phone. Just sharing in case you might be confused with the date I used here. 😅
I believe that good news will soon arrive. It's always like this, worse things happen one after another, as if something really good is prepared for me after. Do you have this kind of thinking, too? Feel free to employ this mindset, as it helps to cheer us up whenever we feel really down. Highly-encouraged.
Maybe, it's a new affiliate for me, or something related to my recent experiences. Something really good is gonna happen, I feel it. I believe it. And let me add again, as always, in Jesus' Name!
Thanks for being here, I appreciate it. Until next time!
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To God be The Glory.
Nkaka toxic din talaga mga taong ganyan noh? I hate it when people compare one from another and have to do it in your face, grabe. A healthy comparison is okay but would leave it to the person to reflect. Haaay, I hope you're feeling okay now sissy after venting out. Just remember that you're better being yourself.