Have I ever been Bullied?

Bullying. That is one of the main topics that was addressed in the Korean Drama I just recently watched called My ID is Gangnam Beauty. It's a series about a self-conscious college student who decided to undergo a cosmetic surgery to avoid the bullies who make fun of her physical appearance.

As I was watching the drama, I was trying to reminisce those moments where I was also humiliated, shamed, and laughed at because of my physical appearance and the way I was back in the Elementary days and even up until today.

I admit I am also a girl with a lot of insecurities about her body and I lack self-confidence because of them.

When I was still in Elementary, particularly in Grade 5, I was a chubby girl who weighted the most amongst all of the girls in my class. My guy classmates used to call me "Goliath" pertaining as a giant because I was not just fat, but I was also one of the tallest girls in our class. Whenever we have school activities where we have to run or jump, those guys would joke around and say, "there's an earthquake" when it's already my time to jump or run.

Back in the Elementary days, I really didn't mind what and how I looked like. I didn't mind the proper posture to stand like a fine lady.

One time, my Elementary teacher asked me to stand in front of the class, and she noticed that my butt was too out (In Ilocano, it's called tur-ing, lol) and it's not straight and proportionate with my back. She then laughed at me and said a humiliating word towards me. My classmates then laughed with her as I was still standing in front of the class.

"Kasla ka la pato (You're like a duck)", she said. Some pupils from the higher grade heard it as they were the next to attend for that class, and they began laughing too. I hurriedly went out of that classroom and went home. In the afternoon, there were other girls who were sitting in the pathway and called my name and said the humiliating word that the teacher used to describe me. They laughed after so I ran away.

Because of that incident, my guy classmates would sing the Ilocano song "Uppat nga pato" or the "Tatlong Bibe" (3 ducklings) children song, whenever they see me and would point at me when it's already the "Nalukmeg/Mataba (fat)" part.

When I was in Grade 6, I was one of the officers in our class. The teacher had to take a photograph of all the officers, from the President to the Muse, for it to be displayed in our classroom.

I wasn't really camera-friendly. I never looked good in photos and being photographed is one of my fears back then because I was ugly.

Because just like how Mi Rae said it, "Ugly faces look uglier in photos."

But even if I didn't want to be photographed, I still had to stand in front of the camera for compliance.

After that photo session, the next day, the class officers' photos are already displayed in the classroom. My classmates gathered in front of it admiring those beautiful girls who were part of the officers. My photo, on the other hand, was only laughed at because again, I don't look good in photos. Even my teacher laughed at my photo that time. I felt so ashamed that after almost all of my classmates went home in the afternoon, I tried to cover my photo with a chalk so it won't be noticed anymore.

I also remember, another teacher tried to humiliate me by pointing out that I have 2 big teeth in front. Then she called me a "rabbit" then laughed after saying it.

I was not just fat and tall, I felt like I was also an ugly duckling with brown skin.

I surely had friends back in Elementary but the bullying I received from my guy classmates and teachers made me wish to graduate from Elementary already.

Then I entered High School. I somehow lose weight because of puberty and I was also walking to go to school. I also had to purposely miss eating breakfasts to lose weight faster. I became a little conscious about my body so I also started using whitening soap and lotion for a fairer skin. I also started using colognes so I would smell better. I would always bring with me the Johnson's Baby Powder for freshening up.

My bully guy classmates from Elementary noticed the changes in my body but they would still bring up those days when I was too ugly, tall and fat like a giant. Hence, my "Goliath" nickname.

Have I ever been bullied?

Yes, a lot of times that I cried buckets of tears because of those hurtful words I got to hear not just from my classmates but also from my teachers back then.

I was bullied that every time I gain back the small amount of self-confidence I have, I would easily lose it because I would be reminded about how people laughed at me and made fun of me because of my physical appearance.

But you know what's the worst thing about being bullied?

It's not about those classmates and teachers who humiliated me. The worst part is me bullying myself by believing that I am too ugly, too brown, too fat, and too tall. I was just being myself.

I admit, up until today, I am still bullying myself. Whenever I look at myself in the mirror, I would think that I should stop eating already because I am gaining weight and have a lot of fats in my body. I sometimes don't even want to look at my face because it's just too ugly. It's one of the reasons I don't have a lot of pictures.

I am still in the process of totally accepting myself. It's difficult, to be honest, to have a lot of insecurities. But I have to accept everything about me because if I won't, then nobody will.