The Autumn vacation started. Shouldn't vacation mean you do something you like or do nothing for a change? I doubt my mother ever heard of the words 'nothing' and 'relaxing' or 'peace'. Peace of mind. She kept yelling at me no matter how hard I tried to help her. I had to fill the buckets with hot water and soap and bring them to her. I can not count how many. She pushed and hit me and one bucket fell over the carpet. She said I did it, blamed me. It wasn't me, I swear it wasn't me. I was not even near it. She put towels on the carpet and stamped with her feet on it to get the water out of it. She stamped, yelled, screamed, and after that she beat me with the whip, the whip, her shoes with high heels, and pulled my hair out of my head. She doesn't care if I cry or beg her to stop. I covered my face and waited till she stopped. There will be a moment she stops no matter how long it takes. I just stood there covered my face and waited. It is what my dad did too as she swung with a knife in front of him in the kitchen. He leaned against the kitchen counter with his arms crossed and looked at her. She swung the knife and screamed she hated him and would kill...
I looked at both while standing in the doorway. These are my parents. This is my life. There's no help, no hope. No one cares but it will end as soon as she killed us unless...
Monday
October 19, 2020
The house will never be clean. How many closets, boxes, clothes we have? She has? With each dress my mother has a pair of shoes and a coat. I think jewelry too and handgloves. She wears handgloves and scarfs, never a hat. The only gloves my dad wears is if he drives the car. The car gloves are made out of leather and they have little holes in it.
Next to polishing shoes and all the cleaning, I had to polish all the silver and after the silver the copper my mother made me clean the silver jewelry. If there are no stones in it it's easy. She bought something you can drop it in and only need to wait. After some time you need to lift the plastic net with chains out of the fluid and it's clean. I didn't do my jewelry. I don't like jewelry, I don't care about it or what it looks like. Most of it is gold and I don't like gold. Silver I like but not gold. She says I need to be grateful but I am not. Why should I say 'thank you' for something I don't like, don't want, never asked for or need? I need a coat and shoes for the winter. My dad told her but she refuses. She says I have one and the old is still fine. Why can she have twenty coats at least and I, not one single one that fits and keeps me warm? She says children cost too much money. I wonder if that is true. I can't eat much, only have three sets of clothes and one pair of shoes. I don't have many toys, no dolls or a birthday party. Is it true or doesn't she want to spend her money on me? She says we don't have much to spend. I think she likes dogs more. She buys them expensive toys, bones, all kinds of things plus they can sit on her lap. She likes her fishes more too.
In the afternoon she took my goldfish, the one I won on the fairy in Belgium, as she left visiting all those people again. My fish won't come back. She said it's too big. It didn't bring me any luck. I don't know where she took it. Perhaps she threw it into the canal or gave it to someone else. She didn't ask me to come along. I had to stay at home in my room. If I have bruises I am not allowed to go outside or be in the house if she isn't at home. Not that I care or want to. I just want to be left alone. Be alone in the house and without pain for a change. I looked in the mirror and saw blue bumps everywhere on my back. I can't see the back of my head but feel where it hurts and the blood is. She said nothing as she saw the blood on my sheets just thought me to clean my bed. Perhaps that's why I cost too much money? I need clean sheets and medicines and at times the doctor.
I waited till she left. I can recognize the sound of her engine. I can hear it from far away if she arrives. It gives me enough time to switch off my record player or close my book. To check the house if it still looks clean even if I didn't touch anything and she always finds dirt and dust... 'heaps of sand and thick layers of dust'.
Tuesday
October 20, 2020
I feel sad so sad. I think there is something inside of me. A thing eating me and it makes me this way. It is hard to move, move on. My mother makes me if I need to wake up. Waking up is something I don't want. I can no longer wake up. Why doesn't she leave me alone? I can sit and stay in the closet forever. She can forget me and I can forget her. She doesn't need to bring me food. If I stay there in the dark it is fine. I am not afraid of the dark. Just one blanket I need. I will hide in the corner and forget. My parents can forget about me. Pretend I never existed. They will be happier without me. I can not spoil their day. They do not need to blame me for what they do and the sadness in me, that thing that eats me, will disappear. I will not miss it, I will not miss my parents and no one will miss me. The world, their world, will be better without me.
If you are dead you can rest. My aunt told me grandpa is resting now. I want to rest too, get out of here. It won't get any better it never will be. My body is too hurt and tired to go on. I sat in the closet for some hours as my mother left. It is a good place to be. She will not find me here.
Wednesday
October 21, 2020
A kid's diary
Record player
The wallet
Uncle G.
My father...
Persian rugs
Good one