Of course she found me or actually the police did. She didn't notice I was gone, she didn't care because she sent me out on the street. I saw how she lied to the police officer.
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Back home I found my diary on my bed. It's torn into pieces. I should not care about it but I do. Why do I care? I know this would happen, I know who did it and know she reads it. It doesn't matter if I hide it. She searched for it, read each word and destroyed it.
At first, I didn't know what to do. She waited for me to come home and accused of all kind of things I didn't do. I wish I didn't need to hear her voice but it is rude to cover your ears and close your eyes and say "lalalala I can't hear you" like the bullies in my class do. Walking out of her is pointless. She won't allow me to walk away. If she wouldn't be angry she would keep following me and if she is angry she pulls my hair and hits me with whatever she can find.
So I stayed and waited. I wait till it's over. Sooner or later it's over. Everything will be over. Not that staying made it any better. I tried not to look at her. If I do I make her even angrier. So I stared at my feet and waited. I waited and tried to figure out what she was talking about, what exactly I did. They say if you do not feel well or are scared it's good to talk about it. "Gedeelde smart is halve smart", it's an expression I learned at school. It means if you share your sadness/worries with someone it's only half as bad. It isn't true you know. People do not like to hear about what my life is really like. They don't believe me because I am a little kid. They do not want to hear something is wrong with my mother. Adults are always good people and children are always lying.
I wonder if keeping my mouth shut is a good idea. It makes my mother always mad and even scolding more. She says I am just like my father. Am I like my dad because we don't fight her? I do not hit her like grandpa did as he was still alive.
She called my grandmother as I wasn't home and told her what I did. She made up something. She always does. If my mother says trees are purple it's the truth.
Later I had to talk to my grandmother. She was angry with me too. I didn't speak to her but had to listen to her voice on the phone. After she spoke to me, she talked to my mother and my mother yelled at her while I stood there and waited.
I couldn't help thinking of my painful feet. I had to walk those kilometres today again.
She sent me to bed without food. It doesn't matter I can do without. Later my dad came to my room. He only said I better try to sleep. He never says everything will be alright, never hugs me.
Trying to sleep... I will when it's dark and it's safe. The torn-up diary I put on the table. I will throw it away tomorrow. There's no need to keep it here.
My grandmother said I should not hang the dirty laundry outside. I don't know what dirty laundry she means. My grandmother feels ashamed. I don't know if it is about me or my mother but she does. Ashamed and feared.
Saturday
February 26, 2021
The light woke me up. It's getting Spring. Soon the school will be closed again. I sleep well, at least I think I did because I didn't dream and the night passed fast. I think that is a good sign. I made my bed and threw the diary away. My mother said nothing about yesterday neither did my dad. They always pretend as if nothing happened till she starts again. You never know when that will be. It's always unexpected.
Sunday
February 27, 2021
I asked the teacher about the dirty laundry outside. She says it is an idiom. It means you should not tell strangers about the bad things happening at home. I didn't do that. I never talk to strangers, I have no friends and I am not allowed to speak at home or use the phone. I write and what I wrote is true. It's true and not dirty and not laundry either. So I think it means you can not tell the truth just like with secrets. Secrets you are not allowed to tell to anyone and you can not write them down either. If you write something down it will be used against you. If it's torn into pieces there's no proof I did not say it or?
My dad nor my grandmother ever ask me if it's true, what I said, wrote or did. They never ask me.
Monday
February 28, 2021
"Maart roert zijn staart" (March stirs its tail) is the idiom we learned today. Is March an animal, perhaps a fish? How can March have a tail? The teacher says it has to do with the weather. It's a saying and it means the weather can be good like Spring or cold like winter. It can snow again. Still, I do not understand the tail.
Tuesday
March 1, 2021
I do not ask people to feel sorry for me or pity me. I just want to let them know what my life looks like and if there are children with a life like mine... they should know they are not alone, they are not the only ones.
My grandmother says childhood is the best part of your life. No worries, no responsibilities... I don't think so, it isn't true. I know because I am a child and I do not think my life is good. Once I am gone it will be better. I am not sure if I will ever be a grown-up but if I do not want to be like my mother.
Wednesday
March 2, 2021
A kid's diary
If your parents don't want you
She hoards and yells
Same old story, same old song
I hope she won't hurt her
So mixed up
It's about politics as usual
Screaming, crying doesn't help
As for me, I do not want to be like my father. It is not that he is bad but because he has been giving me his responsibilities and urging me to complete them. I want my daughter to have a better childhood than mine. Though that responsibility he gave made me who I am today it is because I chose the right path instead with guidance from a lot of strangers.
An adult always prevents their children from telling family matters to others but I don't think because it is bad. They do that because they feel shame. Without a strong mind and heart, that child could be thrown into mental depressions.