Light in the dark
I've been caught up with life, but who isn't, right? Not much has changed over the years, but I do feel a bit calmer and happier compared to before.
Just before I started writing this, I was reading about people making money by selling articles and read.cash came to mind. I'm curious about the platform, so I decided to start writing. I've tried to write a few times, but I couldn't come up with any ideas. It feels like a blank space is staring back at me from the screen.
Today, I'd like to share my mini garden with you.
Three months ago, the area was overgrown with tall grass, unattended banana trees, and large trees with roots spreading under the house. It was a total mess, and the house was difficult to spot from the road. People often mistook my neighbor's gate for mine.
I leveled the uneven ground by purchasing two truckloads of construction leftovers for MYR50 each and flattening it myself. However, the general garbage that came with it smelled awful and caused me to suffer a painful sunburn as I had to finish the work before nighttime.
The second trip went better, and I can now continue the project slowly. I plan to start with potted plants, which I can easily move when I have the budget to expand. I can see all the plants from my bedroom window, and it's becoming my peaceful escape. It's my kind of healing session, and I'm starting to love this new hobby.
The first step is to make a difference in the future
The past will always be there, lingering deep in our memory. We cannot prevent our brain from recalling it nor that we cannot prevent any events in our life from triggering the memories. The same goes for our emotions. We cannot avoid having a few uncomfortable feelings around certain memories. We just have to accept the fact that all of that is a part of us. It is our past and there is no way we can alter the past. We just have to go through with it and keep moving forward.
Indeed, we cannot do anything to our past but we sure can do something for the future. We can set our goals again and again until we find the right goals to work for. Once we get that we can move forward with precautions guided by our past, so that we may not encounter the same fate again.
Everyone is working hard to get a better life. I do not have a sure definition of what a better life is but that is what I am aiming for too. It could mean as long I am happy and content with my life.
I started with the sentence, 'I want to... ' and it often brought me back to square one. I decided that I should start with the sentence, 'I need to... ' and it will bring me right where I need to be.
Therefore, as of today, I need to have better financial budget management for this month's salary and I need to find a solution for me to get another source of income other than my main salary.
I will restart my journey with these two and I will let you know how it goes in my next story.
Get out of the land of despair.
There is a promised land,
Somewhere prepared for each,
It's the promise of freedom and endless happiness,
It is given to me, to you, and to them
with a condition to be fulfilled by each,
I failed my task a thousand times or perhaps it's more.
The place for me might have been given to others.
It hurt inside with no words to describe
Yet it is my own mistakes that put me here,
In the land of despair, darkness, and endless loss.
I thought that I had fought as hard as I could,
Yet I still failed more than the days that I had lived,
Weaknesses, inefficiency, and the words,' I can't',
All are excuses to win without effort.
Get up dear self,
Start fighting again,
You are capable of gaining more than you think you can,
Throw away excuses and keep moving forward.
Nothing going to change if you don't keep moving.
Get up,
Get going,
Let's go.
Christians: Impossible to reject
The kindness of a friend makes me happy. Sometimes I feel guilty about being cared for since I don't have much to give in return.
I kept working on my little crochet business but it has been slowing down a bit for now since I am busy completing my office unfinished task. I need to complete everything by the end of this week.
Since the business is a bit down, I am grateful. for this friend who always buys me food and helps me with a few more things that I need. I don't know the reason for me to deserve that kindness and it felt a bit scary.
Scared of losing this friend, scared of being too dependent.
I have been living without my husband for more than a year now and this friend reminds me a lot of my husband. My husband used to be as kind as this friend and yet he lost it all to his selfish desire.
I still think that it is all because of my incompetence, weakness, and imperfections as his wife. If I was a good wife, perhaps he did not choose the road he is on right now.
Coming back to the friend I was saying at the beginning, I thought this friend had stopped being too kind when I asked for and yet, yesterday I got lunch again. I was planning to do some intermittent fasting while I do not have much budget to spend on extra food but then God does not seem to allow it since God gave me this wonderful friend.
Thinking back as I am writing this blog. It must be for a reason. What will the reason be? I guess I just need to keep living to find the answer someday.
Hiking again
We went hiking again on 08 October 2023 after I finished my work at the office on that Sunday. We are asked to complete our patient's registration by 95% to get paid with hours. I failed to complete mine because I have around a few hundred more to be completed in two hours.
I did not manage to come earlier because I did not have oil or the car on that day. I got some money late in the evening and I decided to come down with the hope that I could finish the requirement to get that extra hour offered.
The person who ordered a crochet bag canceled her order at the last minute because it was not for her liking. She also did not pay for the second bag she took but perhaps she already paid. I have been asking her repeatedly for the payment but she has given me a lot of excuses. Therefore I stopped asking and took this as a lesson in business agreement. I thought she already paid, she was the one telling me that she had not paid yet. I took it as she already paid therefore it does not hurt so much.
Well, as I failed, I came to work for free on that day. It's alright I guess because I did not expect to succeed, I just hope that a miracle can come.
I took my daughter hiking near the office at Kopungit Hill again after I clocked out for healing purposes but then the sunset view was blocked by the clouds and not very satisfying that day.
The time I spent with her was satisfying and healed my disappointment. I am glad my physical endurance did not go down after not doing any hiking for months now. So is my daughter. She is as active as always and my encouragement to go forward.
Can you see the sun, hidden by the cloud? This is the view that we got that day. It is somehow inviting us to hike again some other day.
That is all for now. Our story is on the 08th Oct 2023. I found out that it is good we put the date on our article because this platform does not show the exact date we wrote our blog or article. Just the age of the post.
Thank you to the diary community for initiating this idea.
Days with my child.
Listening to the sound of the city,
Hundred of cars,
Thousand of other noises,
Voices, chattering and laughing,
Unknowingly the contain of those conversations.
Heaviness is felt throughout every inch of the muscles in my body,
Eyes are getting heavier though the sun is still high up in the sky,
Tiredness unexplainable,
Unfinished tasks piling up without sign of lessening.
Everyday with you,
My dear pillar of strength,
My reason for achieving stability,
I carried my burden,
Unwanting to give up,
Just to see the smile you carve on your face.
My sweet little girl,
My angel of serenity in disguise,
Yet, without you,
I cannot smile for myself.
Christians: What comes after a divorce? (discussions)
Looking back on the past, I have struggled a lot during the time I am still with my husband. There were a lot of disagreements between the two of us before it became a very long year of silence. I am taught that marriage is only once and divorce is not encouraged or not allowed.
I tried to honor this teaching but it did not help to fix our relationship. I have not signed a divorce paper yet but I am going for it next year. It took me a year to make this decision.
Our love is broken. Perhaps I would feel better if he left me because of another woman rather than him being unable to stay with me because he is mentally unhealthy. He did something very dangerous to harm himself and it is affecting all the people close to him. I once decided to stay as being wife until death do us part but then living in this world, I cannot access some of the privileging that the government offer to help its citizen because mostly under his name.
Therefore, for the good of my daughter and me, I decided to get a divorce. I hope I am making the right one.
I do not know what God would like me to do. Perhaps he would hope that I continue being his wife or perhaps God wants me to start again.
Re-marrying someone new will not be an option because it is not allowed and I do not have the desire to get married again. Some advised that I should not close my heart to another person **if there is** but then if I open my heart, where am I going with that relationship?
For those who read until here, I would like to hear your thoughts about this especially catholic.
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Little light
Disappointment brought tears to the eyes,
Breaking apart the once metallic heart,
Drifting away from the dream that almost comes true,
The wounded soul slowly fades from reality.
There is the moment,
A brim of light can be seen from afar,
It seems so much distance from the spot where I fell,
Reaching out for that ray of light,
Slowly getting up on my knees,
Crawling toward that little ray of hope,
As I draw near,
The warmth of that light gave me a boost of strength,
I stand on my feet and I slowly start walking,
Faster and faster,
Before I realize it,
I was running and bath by the warm embrace of that once a little light.
Eyes that were once full of tears shine brighter than thousands of stars on a clear night sky,
A broken metallic heart melts and fuses to become whole again,
Slowly picking up shattered dreams,
Gradually healing that broken soul and coming back to reality.
Crochet project pictures sharing.
It has been a while since I last wrote. As for now I just want to share some of my crochet projects that I have been doing. as a new hobby for a while.
Sun hat for girls. Some of my collection. I'm still. trying to improve my flower pattern crochet.
These are for boys. The green one still has a lot of room to improve.
A simple handbag design for the ladies.
Kopungit Hill hiking trail review.
I started hiking this year(2023) and planned to visit all the sites mentioned at Kopungit Hill, Kota Kinabalu. We(my daughter and, I) accomplished this emissions test Sunday, May 28th, 2023 accompanied by one of my colleagues.
There are a few spots that we must visit when we hike at Kopungit Hill.
* The Peak
That triangle thing will be the mark. From this spot, we can go down to two more sites which are...
* The Japanese Era Cave
* The British Colonial House
It is a bit of a broken-down house but it looks amazing with the big tree growing inside like it is a part of the house. The pathway there is dark and steep therefore I suggest an early morning hike if you want to have a good view of the house. Plus ot is safer to go there in the morning.
* Next spot will be the tunnel.
I never went inside though because I am afraid that I might get stuck. It is quite narrow.
* The sunset viewing spot.
I prefer to watch the sunset from another spot though. I do not know the name of this spot but here you can get two different views perfectly which are the sea view and the city view.
* Let's call it Baby Hill for now.
City view. I took this picture sitting down therefore cannot see the city below. I think this will also be a good spot to view the sunrise. (Around 6 am) better to come a bit earlier.
Sea view. To see the sunset(around 6 pm to 6.20 pm)
This is the view from the biking trail. It is a path no 4 at the very end of the middle level and yes there is a trail for bikers too. My endurance is not too good and I agree with the other's review that Kopungit Hill is an easy level hike. If you wish to explore more than the usual path, I can say that Kopungit Hill is a good start for beginner hikers. Always bring water and a little bit of food with you.
Type of hikers that I found.
Elderly
Parents with babies.
Children(Aged 3 and above hike on their own) My daughter is 5 years old.
4wd model remote car explorer.
Couples
Dogs owner(We met poodles, mix breeds, and a lot more)
The team (some of them are the ones who clear the pathway for other hikers) put markings to prevent getting lost. As long as we follow the sign or a clear pathway we will not get lost at Kopungit Hill. There are also a village nearby and a housing area.
I think this is all for now.
Breaking through weaknesses
It has been a year and 3 days now being a single mother. It has been a wonderful time with my daughter until now. We have a lot more freedom instead of being stuck in the house all day long on the weekend. I used to be working most of the time every weekend but now I am spending more time with my daughter. It is a lot better than working but then, we do not have enough expenses for our monthly needs. I have cut a lot of unnecessary items from our expenses and yet we are still struggling.
Well that is not the main story for today but I just want to let out the heaviness I felt inside.
We are currently sick and still struggling to get better especially with thick phlegm. Luckily we do not have fever. please no fever again this year. I miss the moment where we rarely get sick.
I wonder if we can go back to that moment again. As for now, I enjoy the moment hiking with my daughter.
I do not have a very good breathing endurance and I can easily get palpitation when I am tired, but when I am with my daughter, I feel like I can breakthrough anything. She can make me run during hiking and to avoid that, I never want to let go of her hand except when she said she want to take picture.
She kind of love taking picture of herself. She is the woman I am missing in myself. I hope I can teach her and give her a better version of myself from now on. Being separated with my husband is the best decission I ever make in my whole married life.
I wanted to get a divorce but then I felt guilty of disrespecting my own religion and faith. I do not need to get married again therefore I think that divorce is unnecessary for now. I can always be someone wife in title and forever a mother of one. I do hope he let us free.
My daughter is my strength therefore I can breakthrough anything. How about you?
If you read until here do leave a comment below.
Above is the map of kopungit hill in Kota Kinabalu, sabah. It is located near Hospital Queen Elizabeth, the twin tower hospital in Kota kinabalu.
Running on faith.
A few years back I once prayed that God will help me to reduce my obesity. I failed to do so for so many years. One day I said to my ex-husband that God probably doesn't give me ease in financial problems because I fail to reduce weight.
Now that I have been living without enough money for food and petrol for the car, I have managed to reduce about 12 kilograms from my previous weight. My BMI is now gone down from obese type 2 to just obesity. I am aiming to reduce another 15 kilograms to reach a BMI of only overweight status then slowly go down from there.
I thought perhaps God is granting me my prayer therefore I need to reach my dream body weight and fitness for my financial situation to be blessed. My only wish now is to be fit enough to be equal to my daughter's endurance so that I won't be won't breathe before she does every activity that we are doing.
I start training myself for hiking and stair climbing and I still cannot go through 4 levels with ease. I still need to stop a lot for me to catch my breath.
Well, I hope this is just my new beginning. Again.
This time I will make sure I reach my goals without regrets. I used to have no regrets about everything that I decide, but now I feel like there are a lot of regrets in me. I would like to compensate for all the regrets with feelings of gratitude someday.
Keeping the spirit up.
Being alone in raising a child is surely not an easy task. I cannot even imagine those single parents out there raising two or more children on their own.
I have only been experiencing this situation for a year and it already feels like I am a disaster or a failure. I felt like I am incompetent in giving a bright future for my child.
I failed to control my temper most of the time. I failed to provide good food, leisure time, and enjoyment that a child should have. I do not have the patience to tolerate her inability to be obedient especially when she is doingbdanherus things like climbing the window, running around with scissors, and a few more.
How do I protect her?
How do I keep her safe?
How do I make her happy?
How do I make sure that I can provide nutritious food for her?
I guess this is normal but I just want to let out a bit of this uneasiness through writing here since I do not have anyone to share this with me. Almost everybody around me is tired of listening to my complaint since I have not been able to settle my issues for years and I keep on having new issues every year.
I am hoping that this year will be a great chance to change my life for real since last year had been the most courageous accomplishment I have ever done. Choosing to be a single parent is the best decision I ever made for my child.
It has been great until now but it can ne better if I can solve my financial issues. I believe I will make it better and I do not plan to give up now.
***This year will be a struggle but next year will be the start of all the good things that we had missed before.***
Facing the daily struggle.
**"You are wasting your time by being stressed. Instead of being frustrated and stressing out yourself, why not use that time to think about a solution?"**
**"Stop thinking about tomorrow for a while. Think about surviving today for now and leaving the other for tomorrow."**
These are the two quotes by M. Leonard. It really helps me to lessen all the crying I am facing at night. It occurs to me that I have been spending time crying and stressing myself out over a lot of things unnecessarily for the day because the only thing I need to do is survive today and repeat it daily.# Sounds easy?Absolutely not.
It is not as easy as said but it is possible to be adapted into our daily life or habit. It can be a habit. For those who are in the same shoes as mine, we might think that life is not fair.
Well, I did think of that all the time. I still do at a time but not as frequently as before. I start to change my way of thinking and that help me to conquer my day. One at a time. Life will not always be like want it to be. There will always be a reason for all the things that happen to us. As for whether our life is good or not, it is up to us to decide. Nobody else can tell us that our life is miserable if we ourselves do not say so.
Even so, open up for suggestions and opportunities because it is not wrong to upgrade or have the taste of a different situation than the one we already have. Getting out of our comfort zone for a while is alright because we can always come back whenever we want to as long as we keep our comfort zone safe.
There is a road that we can go and that allowed us to return but there is also a road that only offers one-way tickets. It is our decision to make and our future to live through.
Do it for yourself.
I was feeling down because of the financial burden that I now have to carry on my own, and a friend said to me.
>You can give your best to treat your patients, why can't you do something for yourself? I can't understand you. You are supposed to put yourself on top of others."
Well, until now I am still unable to give a proper answer to that question. I have been thinking a lot. I have been thinking too much. I was cleaning our small room before, which is full of things that I don't even know the usage for. At that time, I was thinking.
>These are not mine I can't throw these.
Now, I plan to clean it again and I found out that there is a lot of useless garbage inside that room. Things that are broken or perhaps a spare part of something else. I can just throw it without thinking too much but I usually do too much thinking before I throw everything out.
>What if they come back for all of the things that I have thrown?
All of those things I mention have been years inside the room and some of them have become worse because of mouse bites or becoming the cockroach house. I can just ask permission from the owner and if they do not want it, I can simply throw it. Why have I made myself complicated? It is time to learn to be an easygoing person. It will make my life easier and lessen the stressful thoughts.
Some people just do the things they want to do but I used to do screening before I decide to do anything. My screening will always contain lots of "What if?"
Being alone as a mother, there are lots of things that I need to learn. Most single mothers or single fathers before me, can manage their life for the better.
>Why can't I? This is the question I should have been asking myself long before today.
<center>***I just need to be a little bit braver for myself and especially for my daughter. Believe in me a little bit more and keep the faith that everything happens for a reason. I have not found the reason for my life but I am sure that my better future is not that far away anymore.***</center>
## This is heartbeat1515 signing out for now. Until the next blog.
Christians: Let's be thankful
I do not know the way to express gratitude. I often say words that accidentally hurt others. I am doing everything I can to make everyone around me comfortable with me but the one thing that I forgot is to make myself happy.
A friend ask a question today.
"If you really want it, why don't you do everything you can for yourself? You can spend time making your patient comfortable but why can't you do that for yourself? I don't understand." This is what he said.
My brain stuns for a while and I am asking myself the same question. Why? Well, I do not have the answer.
He has been a good friend to me. A friend that I can call my brother. He is there to back me up and I have not done anything in return. The moment I feel that I am left alone, he is there. Just like a family. He settled 50 percent of my troublesome life. He paves an easier way for me to get through life. Even just his word give me the strength to carry on. The strength to start again includes writing again here in HIVE. Words that I wish to hear from my father. (He is younger than me so better to call brother than father. Hahaha.)
Every step of the way is supported by his word of advice, motivation, and inspiration. I do not know if he knows how much he meant to me as a friend and brother but I am glad that I am given the chance to know him. We did not even know each other very well but he had helped me way more than he should have. I hope one day I can hit jackpot or some of it so I can sponsor his wedding or buy him a house or land to inherit.
He is just one of the friends that have been very special to me. A friend that will make me indebted for as long as I am still breathing. Once again today, I thank God for blessing me with lots of wonderful people around me. It is 2.32 am here in Malaysia on the 31st of Mac 2023 and let's start today by being thankful for all the things that we have already achieved in life and being grateful for those wonderful people around us. Even the smallest achievement is included.
What makes the difference?
After a day passed, I just want to go home after work and do nothing. It is tiring with unending obstacles to an easy life. Well perhaps if life is too easy it will be too boring.
Life is like walking in a circle. Waking up, going to work, sleeping.
**What makes the difference?**
I always see my little girl's face in the morning, sometimes she wakes me up, and sometimes I am the one waking her up. Every morning is war with time.
At work, I will meet different kinds of people. One of my patients had been gone recently, he works so hard to be independent after an accident. He does not have a family member that can take care of time or help him to train. The only one he has is his mother but she is also sick. I heard that he asked about me before his condition got worse but I did not have the chance to meet him before he got unconscious. The moment I came to him, he was already on ventilator support. Perhaps it is his destiny or the one he chose to have.
Life might look not fair if we live in comparison only instead of focusing on our own. Doing our best to make ourselves better each day.
And we asked ourselves, what else can I do?
Instead of complaining.
Little prayer
Without you, it felt quite lonesome.
With you, it felt like being in prison.
Now and then it is always the same,
It was just me that didn't realize the suffocation between us,
I want to be free,
I want to be independent,
And yet for so many years,
I am still clinging to others to help me live.
I wish it would end the life I am tired of living,
And yet I still want to live for her,
I want to see her grow and be a part of the process.
I pray and pray
I keep on hoping
To start over with something better.
Yet it is always me making the same mistake repeatedly.
Most of the prayers are answered,
Yet I still have a lot of desire,
When it is that I will ever feel enough?
Sometimes it just needs a leap of faith and a lot of courage to take one step forward.
The unexpected blessing.
Have you ever felt like life is unfair to you? everyone seems to have an abundance of luck while you are drowning in misfortune. You worked hard each day just to get a sip of that luck and yet misfortune still follows you like a shadow. You felt like you have worked too much and decided to give up and let yourself submerged in misery. Well, it is not the end yet. ***As long as we are still breathing and still working hard, someday the effort will pay off***. My effort has not paid me yet but there is another thing that made me blessed. ***I am blessed to get wonderful friends in my life***.
As a writer, I met a friend online. I have not contacted her for some time but she is always in my heart and mind. She does not know me in person but she lends me a big amount of money the moment I am stuck in debt, She solves my problem. ***She did something that I never expected anyone would do for a stranger***. I am not a good friend in maintaining contact but I do hope one day I will get the chance to travel and meet her in person.
After her, I met another amazing friend. We have the same interest in buying 4d and he taught me how to make a prediction chart. One day the chart I made helped him to win quite a big sum of money and guess what he did? He bought me a car and my second problem is solved. I thought he is only making a joke the moment he said he will buy it. I cannot even explain the feeling I have inside once the car reaches my house. I have been driving it for days and I still feel like I am dreaming.
If you ever meet friends like them and you are like me, a person that does not have the capability of repaying them for their deeds, ***get up and start working hard again***. We have a deed to repay. We do not know when they will need help so we need to be prepared. We need to be able to give the same amount of help or even more to them.
The only thing I need to do is to settle my loans for another 7 to 8 years, make sure my daughter grows up to be the person she wants to be, and have a worry-free life about my monthly budget. Seem like living without a husband gave me a better life than having one. I am still uncertain of the status of our relationship in the future and I do not know whether I want to be back like before or stay like this until my last breath.
At this moment, I felt that God has been answering my prayer. I just need to work harder to improve myself so that my blessings will not go to waste. The moment will come when we can sit and relax after all our hard work. The quicker we achieve our goals the more rest we can get before our lives end. ***Avoid trouble, take the long and hard journey step by step and the most important is is to avoid shortcuts or diversions because it will mostly make our journey longer or unending.***
Christians: Blessing Just Amazing
Strugles unending, troubles multiplying and luck is not on your side. Anyone else experience this?
I know I do but there is few more things that I have.
My daughter.
My sister.
The gift of friends a.k a those I can call family.
I wanted to say that I am unlucky or unblessed but going through my history...
I never starve.
I am never too poor for a living.
I am never alone.(I wonder I once felt so lonely before)
Few years ago my car is ruin by flood plus my unwise decision at that moment. Recently I sold it but a friend told me that I sold it too cheap. I am not in the position to get another car soon though I am struggling to give my father a hard life by sending me daily to and back from work. What kind of child am I? I guess I am that black sheep in my family.
I once struggle to find a special school for my daughter and got rejected by a few. In the end an ordinary school accepted her and have been taking care of her amazingly until now. I requested to make the cake in picture above for them to describe my feelings of gratitude. The inside is a rainbow cake.
Here is another blessing which I express my feelings in a poem. Saving the date here 22nd october 2022.
God this is some of the most abundance blessing that I do not know how to express my gratitude. I feel elated but I cannot show nor can I say the perfect word more than just a thank you.
I wonder if there will be more after this. Is my struggles really coming to an end? I wonder if I can start living more at ease after this. Things seem to be going too well that I am scared that this blessing is just another preparation for a heavier tasks ahead.
One thing I know is that God, though I am not worthy to be call your child, keeping my faith to you is a million more worth than wishing to be acknowledged by other as the children of God.
Unexpected
Things changed a lot this year. I have been busy trying to survive day by day after the incident on May. I am not sure whether I have move on with my life or still stuck in the past. I don't even know whether the relationship between me and my husband are still intact or we just barely hanging on to false hope. All that I know now is that I am doing quite well though I am still struggling with debts and tight budgets.
Miracle happen to me this year and one big problem is settled. I will be able to be a little bit independent again. I am quite happy without my husband around though it do feel lonely. I am no longer helpless. I believe that I have broke free from the cage that confined me before. Perhaps this is only the feeling I got when he is not around. I am not sure about my feeling when he is standing right in front of me. I am not even sure whether he loves me or just hanging on because he think he need to for our daughter.
I am still wondering about the kind of wife I can be if he decide to keep the relationship. Will I be able to forgive, treat him like before or whether I can still trust him for our future. I do not know his planned for our family or perhaps I never agree on any of his planned. I keep on thinking that my life go smoother without him now.
He used to be the reason I can still smile during sadness. He make me laugh and keep me company. I didn't even realize the moment he start ignoring me, refusing to comply to any of my annoying attitude, stop joking, talking more nonsense and isolating himself. He keep on blaming me for everything. He is angry that I am not listening to his suggestion, mad that made decision on my own and furious if I went home a little bit late from work. Keep accusing me for having another man.
Did I force him to marry me? Listening to him, I have been travelling far for work everyday even though I have an option to shorten the journey. I ruin my car because the place he ask me to stay with him is always flooded and I am drown with stupidity because of tiredness. I force myself to build a house closer to work and he did not even help though he have the ability to do so. He did help in the end but everything he did id halfway and unarranged.
I believe he can do more but he keep on making excuses that he do not have the time. Every time I stay at home in the weekend or the public holiday he will use the whole day to sleep. If he work, he will use the whole day to work until night, until I am asleep with our daughter. No proper conversation, no understanding between us and no common opinion. I started thinking about the reason I chose him as my partner.
Even so, I am glad because of our daughter. I am thankful for having my daughter. She is the greatest treasure of our relationship. I survive because of her and I am also in fear because of her. I am scare that I am incompetent as a mother, I am scare that I might failed her future or restricting her development.
Life will never be easy but whether it is beautiful and happy depend on ourselves. I can never say that my life is going to be better soon but I am doing quite well now and that is what important. Life can throw anything but as long as we stand strong to face it, we will have the chance to breath easier. Living life to the fullest is one thing that I still cannot understand much until now but I think I am getting closer to it.
I cannot count the frequency of my failure and the moments I want to just stop and give up trying but I am thankful that I have friends that help me to get through. Friends near and far that I less contacted now but always in my heart and mind. I wanted to focus on building my life again from the scratch. I think I need to start again before I drag down my daughter with me. Hoping that there will be no more restriction from him. I wanted to tell him that he did a lot for me but thinking back to our time together. He is nothing much than my sacrifices for him. I wonder if he even appreciated me because he never showed. I do not want any rewards from other people but I want him to admit that I did not ruin his life. It is him who ruin his own life.
I used to think that he is my strength but he is the reason I am drag down. Perhaps he did gave me a little bit of strength but I am done blaming myself for our failure in relationship.
Dear friend, sometimes separation will let you know how independent you are without him. Do not let yourself down into depression and despair because you are more than what you are when you are with him. Get up and start again and you will see your future as clear as the blue sky. Good luck and God bless.
The smile that my heart
Awaken by the falling rain on my rooftop,
Coldness touching my skin,
Shivers on my backbone,
Telling me to sleep a little bit more.
I pull up the blanket,
It is heavy and warm,
Cuddling inside is my little princess,
Snoring happily,
Ignorance of the loud noise on the roof.
Forget the blanket for I need it no more,
The little smile on her sleeping face,
Warmth my heart,
Chasing the coldness away.
My precious princess,
The reason my heart keeps beating daily.
As you pass by.
Teardrops keep running down my cheek,
More and more as you pass by my thought,
Flashback of memories,
I can hear laughter,
I can remember the joy in the suffering,
I got you and you got me,
I thought we are complete,
Yet it seems like I assume on my own,
I am indeed imperfect,
That is my belief,
For if I am the one for you...
Why did you fall into the pit of darkness?
I build a wall but you broke down,
I threw the memories but you brought them back,
Do you need a second chance?
Should I let us go?
You left me hanging on a thin rope,
Did you forget that I weigh a ton?
Where is the security you once promised?
Where is the care you once give?
Now, the only things left are tears,
For you left with blame,
Blame you put on me.
Tears keep running down my cheek,
As you pass by my thoughts.
I am still here.
Through your honesty, I fell in love with you,
Through your kindness, I stay without questions,
I vow to stay through rain or storm,
I vow to hold on through hurricanes or tsunamis,
After all those struggling moments,
After all heartaches,
With all those tears,
I am still here left with loneliness.
I have seen you drift away from my shore,
I have seen you fall more than a thousand times,
I have been there in your up and down,
I have thrown my throne just to give you one,
Forgiveness is all that I ask for failing to notice,
That I...
I am not the one you seeking for.
My incompetence,
My weaknesses,
Is all that made me as strong as I am now,
I am sorry that I could not change that for you.
The ingredient of our love did not blend,
The aftertaste is worst than imaginable,
I keep wondering,
I keep waiting,
Wishing that our recipe of love can be improved,
Praying that someday,
The token of our love can be proudly present in the world we will not live in.
I am still here,
Left with loneliness,
Yet, happier than before,
Wishing...
Yet also traumatized,
Still hoping,
There is a place for you,
To be included in this happiness.
It is always the issue.
Love is something that we do not need money to get but still, it cost us a lot to maintain. Loyalty, honesty, kindness, empathy, forgiveness, regrets, and bravery to confess mistakes all cost much more than all the money we have in the world. Betrayal might happen because of the need for money. Ending in sentences like, "I did all of these for us". I wonder if things like those are worth all the time spent on them.
Seems like everything in this world need money to move on. It does not matter whether the amount is big or small, money is needed. Going to the public toilet needs money. Now, places that we can freely go to just for the sake of sightseeing also cost money. Before we might only need money for food and gas for traveling. Now we also need to pay for the entrance fee once the place is acknowledged as a tourist spot.
Save money, spent less, and do not buy unnecessary things. I have not bought new clothes for a year, I spent more money on food but I still barely have enough. I lessen the money spent on food and still lacking. Perhaps I need to throw away all the fun stuff. Internet and entertainment should be excluded.
Everything started with debts. Most will take loans to own a house and a car. Everything will end at the age of 40. It will ne better. This is what I thought before. Now, I am not very confident.
One thing I never understand is why the value or prices of other things raises twice higher as the salary we earn. Do we even own our salary?
I never cared before. Perhaps I'm just tired of working unendlessly.
Life at the worst.
Things are slow but I believe the struggle will end soon. People said that life is like a wheel. There will be up and down. I felt like I have been at the bottom for too long and it was time to rise to the surface.
I have 3 more months to organize my salary again so that I can start next year with more ease. One thing left to do is the daughter's school arrangement. Please, please, please let things go smoothly this time.
I have never been so scared of my future, never worried too much if I don't have enough money for the month or no food for the day. Luckily my effort all those years give me a home for shelter and protection.
Having a daughter changed my life. I lost my freedom but I gained consciousness of life. I start to learn more about responsibilities and priorities things that I should.
I am scared that I will fail to provide her well. I don't want her to live like me. My life is not too bad but it is full of struggles with finances. It's difficult to have a relaxing moment every month.
All the time I just hope I can win some big lottery prize to settle my money problem. Though I realize that problems will never cease to exist, I just can't stop hoping.
Looking at my past, life at the worst is the one that made me as strong as I am now.
Priceless
The moment I decide to marry him was once the happiest of my life. I recalled he kept asking me if I regret marrying him. It never did occur to me before but after Mei this year I thought of it again. I did have a little bit of regret perhaps but since I got my precious daughter 4 years ago, it wipe away all my regrets.
If I didn't marry him, I am not sure whether I am a married woman or single now. I am not an attractive woman. I am fat and poor. Yet I am blessed with a beautiful daughter. She is the sole reason I am still alive. Having her made my incomplete existence worthy.
I am lacking a lot as a mother but she always makes me feel like I can give her the whole world. Her existence alone in my life made me feel like I don't need anything else.
Watching her grow gave me the strength to achieve more things in life. It made me believe that I can do more than I already did. I can be better than myself in the past.
**Life is priceless but what makes it worth more is the reason we keep being alive.**
Struggles, challenges, difficulties, and trials are all a part of life. Contrary to the miserable life it brings it is also the reason we can see other colors that we mislook before.
Losing someone that was meant to be the one to accompany us for the rest of their life ring sadness, grief, and loneliness in one word...
Emptiness.
How to move out from the emptiness?
I guess the answer is to change our perspective.
"It is not the end but the beginning of a better life."
Losing weight.
There is no shortcut to losing weight. It is the same as taking all the years to gain excessive weight with unnecessary fats. A friend said to me, "The first step of gaining a healthy weight is to develop a good habit" and "It starts from the kitchen".
Doing exercise without good eating habits is the same as halfway efforts. We might be able to lose a few kilograms or pounds but then once we stop exercising, we easily gain back the weight we work so hard to lose for months.
Exercises can be separated into mobilizing, stretching, strengthening, endurance, cardio, muscle toning, and a lot more. Exercises are varies depending on the targeted area. Abdominal exercises are different from limb exercises. Some might look almost the same but still, each muscle makes a different movement therefore it will be a different kind of exercise routine.
Some people have the desire to have a healthy body weight but not enough motivation to do it alone. Some have the desire and ability to achieve more than the aim they set.
I guess the important part is having a goal. Perhaps start small like reducing the number of calories taken for 3 months and slowly go on from there.
I have not been writing for a while and I am not sure about things to write about nowadays. My life has become busier than before. It is getting tiring but happier.
Getting a healthier weight is now one of my goals in life other than stabilizing my monthly budget again. It is not going to take a lot of time but I kept on letting myself motivate with the phrase...
It is going to be alright in the end.
Christians: Just fall
The old tree stands strong despite the storm,
Sheltering all creatures tiniest to biggest,
Let it rain,
Let it be sun,
Let it snow,
Whether it is hot or cold,
The old tree stands like nothing can shake it off.
If and only if I can be like the old tree,
Staying strong like nothing capable of pushing me down,
Stopping the tears that I never wish to shed,
I prayed for strength,
I prayed for hope,
To be independent of debts,
In the future, I dreamed of freedom.
It seems to be better.
I was alone raising my daughter for now but it does not feel worse than before. I am not sure of the future we will face.
I asked her, "Is it alright if there might be only baby and mommy in the future?" And she nodded. Sometimes she will say, "I need a daddy"
And I would ask her, "Do you miss daddy?" And she will nod her head slowly.
What am I to answer her each time? Perhaps I should just wait and let things go the way they will be.
He has been with her since the day she was born. He had needs there all the time and I was only able to give half of my time to her from the beginning. I am not as good as him at spending time with her but I hope the memories he had of raising her can lead him to remorse and rebuild his life.
Life has never been easy but it is our choices that decide whether it will be a good one or not. Choose the bad and it will be a rotten life. Choose the good and perhaps we can see a rainbow every day. It's not like we can go back and right every mistake that we made. Life is like a lymphatic pathway that only goes one way without return.
One lymphatic node is removed and everything will change. There might be another chance with MLD but we can never hope so much.
They always that we can only plan quite well for our life but it is God that decides all the things that happen to us. God's planning is always good and this is my belief.
If you ever felt like falling, just fall so you can reach the ground. It is easier to stand again on the ground than in the air.
@heartbeat1515
