I can make a long list with all those things I am at least according to my mother. She's the one who tells me these things. At times she does when she drags me out of bed in the middle of the night or when she yells at me but there are also times she sots calm at the dining table and tells me while she's eating while no one likes me and her life would be better, the world would be a better place if I would be dead. She never says "if you weren't born" or "if you would live somewhere else" no she wants me to die as soon as possible.
I don't look at her if she starts reciting herself since that is what she does. It's the same old song, she sounds like an old long-playing record. I try to puzzle out what her problem is, why she hates me so much and above all how to help her. She's sure her life is better without me. I am in her way and have to leave. Is there a place I can go to? I don't think anyone takes her seriously but I do. She's not joking around and staying with her is no option. No one likes to be with her. I have a dad but he's gone for the biggest part of the day although he has no job. My mother is the one who works. All money is hers and we have to be grateful for that. Grateful for her, her money and if she gives something to us. I do not like the word 'grateful'. Grateful I have to be if she beats me up and is willing to let me stay to cook, clean, do the dishes. Grateful I have to be if she molests me one hour before we celebrate Christmas and I am still allowed to have dinner with her. Grateful I should be if she doesn't kick me out of the car on the highway because I dare to fall asleep while she's driving. Grateful... brings nothing good. Grateful is always accompanied by misery and pain, bruises, blue spots and blood.
I have an ugly face, am ill, I have a crinkle in my brain, I am sloppy, lazy, break things, and my knees and elbows are too black. I am not a kind person, not funny and always look angry and worst of all... I look like my dad.
Tuesday
March 8, 2021
Some days I do not feel like writing and today is such a day. It feels as if every day is the same and nothing will ever change. No one sees me. How come I am invisible except for bullies? They are at my school, in my class and my mother is a bully too. No one listens to me. I mean hearing what I have to tell. So if they don't care why do they care about beating me or scolding me? Why do they ask questions if I am not allowed to talk?
Am I the only person no one cares about or likes?
Wednesday
March 9, 2021
Some people always use ugly words, they scream, yell and still think people like them. Is being vulgar attractive, a good skill? Do people like you more if you say words others don't use or dare to say?
My mother and grandmother both scold and curse although my grandmother doesn't speak much. Perhaps she did as my mother and aunt were still children? Cursing is not good but they do it and but say I can't have to pray, go to Sunday school or church and everything I say or do is wrong. I am not allowed to talk without permission and if I speak they say I have to speak with two words. Speaking with two words ... means I can only say "yes mother" because everything else has at least three words. 'Thank you, mother', are three words not three.
My mother washes my mouth with soap even if I say nothing. I never scold or curse or say words like 'brain fart', I never insult people but still she says I go straight to hell. My mother doesn't fear god. Perhaps that's the reason she says she is almighty and she's the queen and a Christian who goes to heaven. I don't know when but it's hard to see her as an angel. Some think she is or many believe she is. Her skin looks like porcelain and her hair is blond, blond or white. I think it is what people like more. They are all blond. She looks friendly or sweet like a doll to most but I know her real face. My dad knows it too and all those who do not agree with her will see it too.
Thursday
March 10, 2021
The teacher says we will have Spring vacation soon. The children in my class are happy but I am not. I do not always like school but it's better than being at home. Perhaps my aunt will visit us and tell me a story again? It only happens if I am in bed and it's short but better than nothing. I don't think I can stay with granny. It's a long drive and she might be ill again. I ask dad if I can send her a letter.
Friday
March 11, 2021
I went by bus again to a place somewhere in the country. It was my walking day again. The teacher said I shouldn't walk so fast and we all have to walk at the same pace. I know the songs we have to sing now but I do not like the text.
"I have a pot of grease put on the table..." What kind of grease and what does it have to do with marching?
It wasn't that cold as the last time and they gave us something to drink twice. Once halfway through the day and the second time after I received the medal. Because I don't know what to do with the medals I pinned them on my coverlet.
Saturday
March 12, 2021
My dad told me he will take me to my grandmother after the weekend. The housekeeper will not come to work next week. I think she has a vacation too.
I didn't know what to say. He gave me a suitcase and said I have to pack my things. I don't know what to take. My grandmother has a big house, sheets and towels and I still need my toothbrush. She hasn't toothpaste because her teeth aren't real. At night she takes them out and brushes them with Vim. At home, we use Vim to clean the bathtub and she puts it on her teeth. The whole night the teeth are in a glass of water. It doesn't look nice so I try not to look at it.
I don't know when 'after the weekend' is. Is it tomorrow or? My dad didn't say how many clothes or which things I need.
I put my pyjamas, two dresses, underwear and my Sunday dress in it. I do not have a doll and my bear is gone. I don't know where it is but it doesn't matter. There's a huge bear at my grandmother's home and a game with marbles and there are books. I put some of my books in the suitcase and that's it. I don't need the pot with cream the doctor gave me it makes me feel dirty. Later I will take my toothbrush and hair comb. That's enough. I don't have much but I don't need much anyway.
Sunday
March 13, 2021
A kid's diary
Why do adults behave like bullies?
No dirty laundry outside
If your parents don't want you
She hoards and yells
Same old story, same old song
I hope she won't hurt her
