Is going back a good thing?

People often say that one goes back to that place where one was happy-Maybe there is some true behind that statement, but, what if it's not right?

The good, the bad, the ugly, it all gets left behind once we decide to leave a certain place, a certain job, or a relationship, and we make that decision for several reasons, for starters, we want a significant change in our lives, we want to move forward, to evolve, to become a better version of ourselves.

Of course, not always things turn out like we want, and like it has been since the dawn of men, choices are laying down in front of us just waiting to be picked, amongst them, the choice of going back.

Now, where is the problem with that? It shouldn't be a problem because over there we have a sort of familiarity, our comfort zone, the place where we were content. But hey! You chose to leave! Why did you choose to leave?

Those two questions are the ones we have to ask ourselves over and over again before taking the step to go back. Why? Because we need to remember why we felt the need to leave in the first place, we need to remember what we are coming back to...

Is it an abusive boyfriend/girlfriend?

Is it a shitty job and a shitty boss?

Is it a disfuncional family?

Is it an overall hostile environment?

After all the self reminders have been made there comes one more question, the most important one: What can we do to change things if we go back?

There must be something to do, for we must have learned something on the road, we must have grown because the change we made was for the better, even if sometimes it doesn't feel that way. So, we can go back, (not to the abusive boyfriend/girlfriend, please don't do that) but we also have to be willing to change all the things that made us leave in the first place, if the problem was a disfuncional family, stand up and don't let yourself fall into that spiral again, be willing to say Enough is Enough. If the problem was a shitty job and a shitty boss, don't allow that to bring you down and stand up for yourself and say Enough is Enough. If it is a hostile environment, surround yourself with people and things that ease up the hostility that is around you, because Enough is Enough.

The problem is not going back, the problem is going back to the way it was before.

For me these days feel like before. I've been reinstated to my old job, and my brother is here for a whole month. Why does it feel like before? With my brother is like he never left, I love him, but his way of making it like only his opinion is what counts doesn't suit me anymore-He goes around doing, saying, making it like he knows better and we are helpless.

Although this situation was not my choice, and I'm grateful to God that he got to come home at least for a while, it bothers me that he behaves like before, we have to cook what he likes, we have to do what he wants, we have to agree with every statement he makes, just because he is like that and we are family so we have to accept it.

I'm not putting up with it, I have a life and a job that I can't neglect just because he's here, and I have a way of doing things which isn't less important than his, so, I cook what I feel like cooking, whether he likes it or not, give my opinion whether he likes it or not, and do what I want whether he likes it or not. This of course has brought me some issues with mom, but nothing irremediable, thank God.

The job thing, I accepted it and that was my choice, a choice I made because one of the main reasons I left was because a shitty boss, and the procedures are being made for that to change because she hasn't only screwed me over, she has been doing it to others and we are all saying Enough is Enough. The money is getting better thank God, and I'm not overload with tasks-I can compartmentalize my duties as a manager and as a musician, for instance, on Thursday we had a concert and I got to play, only play, not play, organize, manage, and do the heavy lifting.

However this feels like before because there are people who are sadly contaminated with the bad energy of "the hag" and have neglected their duties to the point where my house has become the main office of the orchestra, with files from 2019 still unprocessed because the one that was in charge of doing it didn't, and nobody bothered to check that except me, and I got in trouble and blamed for that.

The difference is that now, I'm not putting up with it, and have made my feelings very clear in regards to this matter. Everybody has to take responsibility for their job performance, and if at one point you feel that it is hopeless or whatever, you have the choice to move on to more and better things, but please, do not use the misfortunes as an excuse for not doing the job that was assign to you, that shows mediocrity and it's just bad form.

As for me, I have taken responsibility for my part since the get go, I did many things wrong, one of them, letting myself being influenced by "the hag" to the point of letting her use me as a she saw fit, leading me to a mental health crisis. The other thing I did wrong was not taking matters into my own hands with the tasks I knew where being neglected, which was actually not a mistake, because I shouldn't have to do other people's job's, but I should've handle it better, I should've stepped in and do what was necessary, for the institution and for myself.

Luckily, every opportunity given is a chance to improve and become a better version of ourselves, and that's what I'm trying to do, with a lot of effort that of course has consequences on my physical health (I don't know how I'm writing this, the pain is so great that all of my body is shaking), but on the long run, this will allow me to have a more lay back office, where we can all work together to pull through and leave behind all the crap we've been having for a long time.

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@rebeysa85

March 12th, 2022.