When Doubts crippled in.

November 06, 2021

Before I have little doubts in myself and in the people around me. I give trust so easily that it sometimes becomes useless and people see it as an advantage to dominate the little me inside.

Work

As I have shared my rumbles here about what happened between us and our Boss, I started to have doubts regarding my capabilities as an employee.
Yes, I do make mistakes for I am not perfect and we always learn from those flaws we have.
Before that incident happened I was so confident in my line of work for I've been doing it for years and I also did train a lot of people under me since I am the one handling it for the past projects.
I always told this during training that mistakes happen but we must not do it more than twice for our head will doubt us. Better take note of all the things, necessary or not, as your guide. You can't just continuously ask about every task given to you as per told that you're new. If you are determined to own a position or your desired job better take notes with everything and then read and analyze it as many as you can. See? That's how confident I am.
But, after that talk on the phone with Big Boss, I am slowly doubting myself.
Am I really slacking off?
Is that what they saw when we are always in the office together?
Were my reports not accurate?
Or maybe they want me to quit already for they are not satisfied with my performance anymore.
These thoughts clouded my mind. And even if I am laughing and giving humor to others, a big part of me wants to cry out.

Home

As you know, I'm a single mother. And I'm trying my best to balance everything between work and home. But up to now I still can't do that.
My son ask me just now while were watching a movie.
"Ma, is it really hard working? Aren't you tired? Do you still have money left for you to use?"
So I ask him why are you asking these questions out of the blue?
"You give Mamay(my Mum) your salary, you bought us groceries and vitamins, you also buy us Jollibee Chicken Bucket hehe. That's why I'm asking you if you still had enough or do you not want to have some rest?"

I wanted to cry but I don't want him to see me as weak so I just told him
"Well, the main purpose that Mama is working hard is for me to provide you everything you need and also your Grannies. Yes, Mama will sometimes feel tired but a kiss and hug with big thank you from all of you is enough for all of those to vanish in an instant."

"Maybe that's the reason they love you a lot, and I also love you, like how I love Maui and Moana with Hay Hay"
Aigooo this kid really loves Moana...

After that talk, doubts came to mind.
Am I really doing my best?
Am I giving my son all the things he needs and the attention he needs?
Am I good enough?

Faith

In my walk of faith, I consider myself as a full-time servant of God.
Not until the pandemic and this surge of projects came in.
My prayer time was becoming limited.
Yes, I am reading Daily Gospel and the message of the Lord for me
But not like before that I am providing a good amount of hours for the message to sink into my system and understand the meaning of the message.
I also have lesser quiet time with the Lord.
We all know that HE is just always waiting for us to go to Him and ask for His guidance. All we gotta do is pray.
But I am doing what I need to do as a believer?
Is the amount I have given enough to satisfy Him that I am always grateful?
Do I deserve all the provisions and blessings I receive every day?
They say never doubt the power of His love
I am not doubting Him.. I am doubting myself.

I kept on saying that I will surrender everything but it still bothers me. So I guess I am not good enough for this.

Sorry, this just came to me now after what my son said to me.
And we are still watching Moana.

Do check these amazing people who keeps inspiring me,,,

Thank you for reading!
Keep safe & God Bless!
Fin!