My different kind of desperation!

October 08, 2021

Desperation over things needed to think of was not on my vocabulary before. My desperation over something was kinda different from others.

Well, after reading baby @Zcharina22 article about her friends desperation I recall my past determination before.

When I turned 24, I told myself I would be a mother at that age. Earlier months before I turned 24 my message from the Bible was from
1 Timothy 2:15
"But she will be saved through childbearing, if they continue in faith, love, and holiness, with good sense."

So I told myself that maybe I was destined to be a mother that year.

Month of July I ended my contract with my first job and set to apply for another venture of job near my sister's workplace. But before I applied for another job I spent a month on taking a breather. I drank and party all night for that month. There was a time that I was out with my college friends and we had a group date just within the city.

Most of my friends are now married but the two couple haven't had a child. So they talk about way to bear a child. I told them out of the blue that I really want to have a child but I don't want to get married. They all laugh at me by saying that and I told them I'm not joking and I want it to happen this year.I mean you could laugh also of how silly am I, wanting to have a baby but doesn't want to get married. Any possible guy would come at you and offer themselves for it is quite a privilege.

I also am not a picky when it comes to having a partner for I only want a man who can be with me and jive with all my shenanigans in life lol!!. Bet I'm crazy but having Papz as my standard is quite high for them for they cant surpass Papz at all.

While having a small talks with them, a friend of mine, who was in my circle of friends also, ask me of why not have a go with -----. I told him nah, I prefer men with same age bracket as me ans he's too young for me also. That's when he came int the picture and joined our table.

Well, we're really close buddies but I can't seem to figure him making out with me(sorry for the word) so I told him no because I don't want our friendship to be tainted and that ends our conversation.

Last week of that month I applied for a job near my sister's and luckily I got hired so I moved in with my sister. Coincidentally, he was near my sister's rental house so basically we became neighbors, just a few blocks away.

I started my work first week of September and by that time he keeps going on a visit at my sister's boarding house. He was a likable man that even my sister thought we are a thing already but I just told her we were just friends hanging out.

"Try it with me" that's what he said about me wanting to have a child. He's courting me that time and I kept on rejecting him for I just want us to remain friends. just give it a shot,at least with me you're safe.

The rest happens and I became pregnant but I started hating him each day to the point I wanted him to die. I ended my contract with the company not wishing to extend it because I want to go home ans give birth where I know my mom would be with me. He followed me and insisted on taking care of me.

I get to receive pinches from Mom on why would I shoo a very gentle man like him. I told her we were not a thing and I don't want him around. But Mom decide that he can stay until I change my mind but viola it didn't happen.

After I gave birth to my son, I finally said to the father that he can go home and live his own life. Yes I said that to him the moment I came out from the delivery room.

He never said a word as reply, he just accompanied me within that 3 days until I we were discharged. For almost a week we kept on fighting that I ended up crying out of desperation to let him go home. I want him out of my sight that even Papz get in between and ask him to be out of my sight for it might danger my health. I had a postpartum that time but I didn't know all about it for I am a newly hired mother of my son.

The next morning around 4am he sneaked into the room and saw that I am fully awake. "Leave us or we will go out of these room an out in the freezing cold"
He told me not to exaggerate and kiss the baby goodbye and promise to come back.

That was our last conversation face to face.

I guess my desperation about wanting a child leads to hurt the man whom is loyal to me. But I didn't feel any regret. I guess I am really bad when it comes to handling things like that. I only just want to have a baby.

Now he is happy with his new family and I am also happy for him to have found his happiness. He loves to meet our son but I told him when the situation of pandemic subside then they can see each other. My son knows who his father was and what he looks like. And I told my son that he can meet his father when his big enough to understand the situation.

And I became a talkative bish...shemay...I know after this some of my friends here might hate me and not contact me anymore...lol! Well I just want to be honest about who I am and I learned my lessons from the past so you can tell me that also.

cheers to my lovable sponsors...love you all!!

Thank you for reading.

Keep safe & God Bless!

Fin!