Can Exes Be Friends?

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Avatar for meitanteikudo
3 years ago

Dear Prof,

My friends called me out one day and they thought that I was acting a bit strange and a bit down. They told me that I seemed more lugubrious than usual. At first, I told them that it was nothing and that it was nothing more than my reaction to the weather but I guess they had caught me lying and I had no choice but to spill the beans unto them.

You see, lately, my girlfriend and I fight frequently. And it all started when she took me to a party with her friends. It was all well and good, we were enjoying the party. I went out to the pool to smoke a cigarette and when I came back I saw her talking with a guy, all friendly a little too close. I know her and I know that even that was just innocent with her.

Things took a dreary turn when I approached them and I ascertained that the guy she was all chummy with was her ex. And when I joined in on the company, they just went on ahead like I was not even there. I didn't want to show my insecurities and I didn't want to start anything there so I let it slide.

I was not the jealous type, she knew that I was not. But starting that night, I was really bothered. And then I see her from time to time smiling at her phone screen and one time I saw her notification that Brad, her ex was texting her.

And the fights started when I confronted her about it. I opened up and she just tried to explained everything and wanted me to remember that they are now just friends.

I don't know what to say, I am lost.

I guess what I want to ask is, is it really possible to be "just friends" with your past lover?

Thank you for hearing me out Prof,

Sincerely,

Olaf.

Response:

Dear Olaf,

First and foremost, let me get it out of the way, and let me just give you my approbation towards your name, Olaf. Olaf is such a unique name it's quite interesting though, I think this is just the second time that I knew somebody with that name. My Russian friend was also named as such. He likes to play in the snow and build those cute little snowmen. With that out of the way, let me get right to your question.

Can ex-lovers be friends?

That is the question eh? Well, let me give you a straight answer. No. At least that is what I believe, from my experiences and from years and years of research and studies.

But let me just get my personal views across. I don't think we want to see numbers, graphs, and statistics about this issue. I really do not think you can be "just friends" with your ex-lover.

This person who knows you inside and out, with who you have shared love and intimate moments, all of a sudden is now a bystander in your life and it's all innocent? That's impossible. That's weird. If he or she can say that with an honest heart, maybe, then just maybe, they haven't loved you as much as you think they did.

Once you truly loved a person, you will always love them. And that's what I truly believe.

Another thing why you couldn't be friends with your ex-lover is when you start to see or date other people. Let's say your group of friends in which your ex is included went out drinking or clubbing and you spotted a person who you seemed to hit it off with. Would you be comfortable doing your moves in front of your ex? I mean, you know deep down that your ex knows most of your moves and if you're the one looking at your ex making a move on another person would that really be comfortable? That's straight-up weird, in my opinion.

And if you consider your ex a friend, you can talk to them about the person you are currently seeing or the person you currently want to date right? Well, why not? After all, you're friends. Maybe your ex can give you a piece of objective advice. Sarcasm aside, I don't think it's best or it's even healthy to be friends with a past lover, after all a lot of people will say that the only reason you stay friends with your ex is the possibility of sex. Go on, ask around. No matter how amicable your breakup is, no one will ever say, "oh let's still be close friends, you're a big part of me, I need you for innocent stuff."

Of course, as they say, "to every rule is an exception". I think it would be acceptable if before they were lovers, they were really close friends like childhood friends, best of friends or whatever, I think it's acceptable to be "friends" per se, but to be as close as before, I don't think so. Maybe you are "friends" just to be friends, but it will never be the same. You may still be close, but not that close.

In your situation, I think it's best that you clear your head first, relax, and when you are calm talk with your significant other. Let them know how you really feel and how you are uncomfortable with the situation. A little honesty could go a long way, but also be prepared to be countered with "insecurity" remarks. In a way, you need to find a compromise or just call the whole thing off. There's just no sense in continuing a relationship where you can't and won't hear each other out.

So, good luck, and may your heart find what it's looking for.

Love,

Professor

Oh ahoy!!

Another intriguing entry from the Professor's mailbox and what a riveting response that was. Who knew that the professor has such a personal opinion on the matter. I wonder what those experiences he was pertaining to. I'm quite captivated and my mind is titillating at the thought of it.

And if you are not yet familiar with this series, or you wanted to read the past publications you may want to visit this article for the complete collection: Letters of the Heart. The interesting thing is, you can submit your letters or questions to the Prof too, and he is more than willing to give you his advice or opinions. All you have to do is just drop in on the comments or find me at Telegram, same username, and I'll pass on the letter or the query to the professor.

I appreciate your continued support, and as usual...

Cheers!!!

Series    : Letters of the Heart
Episode   : 015
Title     : Can Exes be Friends?
Published : 12-Oct-2021
Author    :  © RB 

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3 years ago

Comments

This is a matter of yes and a matter of no. Yes , if your heart had truly moved on. People are different from each other as well as there will. Some had moved on because they are looking forward for a better vision and and won't past let them stuck at present because they do believe there has been a reserved one who is better or can be the best. Yes, because you were healed, forgiven and accepted the reality that those experiences taught you the best lesson in life. And lastly it's a yes if feelings are no longer exist, no matter how many times it sparks but it won't make a light. I said yes because these were my real life experiences . I don't dig and plant hatred and just wanted to be surrounded with positivism.

It's a No, if that ex brought so much pain on you that took a year or years. As what the priest stated, it's rather to forgive someone if you are sincerely ready than to forgive but you aren't. A no, because you still need a time to heal. And a big No if your present lover is not as sporty to deal with your ex. This is where respect will appear. In order to live peacefully, better focus of the present than the past. These are just based on my insights. Hoping for a consideration 😉

$ 0.00
3 years ago

very well stated. but these are of course based on your point of view only. Yes, you can be friends if you are both healed and you both feel the same towards each other, like friends, yes if you both agree that you can't really be together in the future. But we all know, when there's a breakup, it's never even. Someone's always more in love than the other...

$ 0.00
3 years ago

well, base on my experience, I can say that ex-lovers can be friends but with boundaries. Personally, all of my exes became my friends after we broke up and so far I can bravely say that our friendships are genuine. However, I think some ex-lovers end up things between them with so much hatred that's why they can no longer find ways to become friends especially if one of them commits unforgivable things which made him/her unworthy to befriend with. Sometimes the secret to befriending your exes is to heal yourselves first, move on and then find time to offer friendship. After all, you can't befriend someone whom you have grudges.

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3 years ago

this is well said, and you pointed out some things that really made sense. Friends with boundaries for example, everything should be clear before delving into it.

$ 0.00
3 years ago

Claro que sí puede ser amigos, aunque para eso se requiere un grado de madurez amplio y poder entender que ya no es posible estar juntos como pareja pero si terminar de la mejor forma.

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3 years ago

maybe... that maturity level is surely important

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3 years ago

Emotional people should have nothing to do with their exes. It could bring up another affair.

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3 years ago

oooh, that's why, I'm pretty emotional.

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3 years ago

Staying friends with an ex is like being ready for a spark to explode at any moment. That spark will sooner or later ignite the fire that will cause the explosion.

$ 0.00
3 years ago

that's one big explosion. That could potentially destroy lives.

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3 years ago

Oh but who is the professor? I am curious to know. Hehe. But indeed it's true, some people can't be our friends anymore. I read the first Letters of the Heart post and it seems the lady who sent the first letter might be the one this guy is talking about. XD

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3 years ago

oooh... interesting.. maybe there's a connection there. I'd consult with the prof about that one.. :) nice catch!

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3 years ago

We have different types of friends. We have platonic and we have close ones. I am friends with my exes but it stops at just hello and no deeper feelings attached. They are my exes afterall and it's for a reason so I better leave it at that. Nothing deep... Just hey and check ups. No physical meetings either...

$ 0.02
3 years ago

oh yeah. You got it. I think, if that's the case, there's no problem with that. It's just like an old acquaintance which you exchange pleasantries with.

$ 0.01
3 years ago

Exactly...

$ 0.00
3 years ago

Empty vessel sound much. Ex always should be ex. If someone broke heart one times, he/she will breaks heart many times.

$ 0.02
3 years ago

You have got a point there, so why let them break it again right? Just stay away...

$ 0.00
3 years ago

Exes could be friends but it won't be a healthy friendship. The other party might be sincere while the other has hidden agenda. You could be friends meaning you are still at peace but not the friend you can run when you have problems. There is already a gap or a boundary.

$ 0.02
3 years ago

oooh yeah! This is spot-on.

$ 0.00
3 years ago

"We can stay friends!" is the biggest lie in human history :))

$ 0.02
3 years ago

It really is! A few days after you hear that... you won't ever hear from them again, or you would end up in the bedroom again. Either way,, it was a lie. LOL

$ 0.00
3 years ago

What a hard and stressful situation... but I think it all depends on the character of your partner, someone who has a committed and loyal personality and loves you, never in such a situation can betray you, even if he betrays you, know that he does not deserve you...

$ 0.00
3 years ago

Di din ako nakikipag friends sa ex ko. 🤣 Di dahil sa bitter ako wala lang para sakin kasi okay lang yung kakilala mo nalang siya hindi na need ng may kommunikasyon kaya diko inaccept yung fr ng ex ko kahapon lol.

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3 years ago

Off course Yes! Unless you two still have feelings for each other. There's no wrong being friends with your exes. It's just friends after all. We can be friends to anyone we like to be friends. 😊 Btw, it's just my opinion. Don't bash me. Hehez 😘

$ 0.02
3 years ago

lol no worries. Your opinion's welcome here. :)

$ 0.00
3 years ago

Hehez. Thank you 😊

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3 years ago

I think of it the same as yours. I can't be friends with my ex because if I do, that means I didn't love him at all. Ex should be ex. You can still greet each other though but don't go that deep. That ex will be an ex or a lover again but not a Friend.

$ 0.02
3 years ago

true!! Not that deep! :D

$ 0.00
3 years ago

I certainly agree with you. I can't imagine myself being friends with my ex too. I can't be that brutal to myself hahaha

$ 0.02
3 years ago

hahaha that's interesting. but certainly rings true! If you're the cause of the break up, you'll feel guilty, if you aren't the cause well, you'll feel like "how dare he?" hahah

$ 0.00
3 years ago

Yeah. I don't care if people would think I haven't moved on, I'm just trying to protect my inner peace. No matter how long it happened, the pain will still linger in the memory.

$ 0.00
3 years ago

true. if the pain exists, it will be there. Maybe not that much, but it will still be there.

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3 years ago

Nope. Exes can't be friends. Lol! Your question made me question myself if i befriended my exes. Not a single one though we are in good terms.

$ 0.02
3 years ago

hahaha. you questioned yourself huh... heheh you aren't sure if you have befriended any of them afterwards?

$ 0.00
3 years ago

The girlfriend i just so insensitive considering that she already has a boyfriend. Not unless if there's something going on between them. As girlfriend/boyfriend, you should know how to be sensitive of your partner's feeling. You cant be friends with your ex. ❤❤❤

$ 0.02
3 years ago

Truer words have never been spoken. :)

$ 0.00
3 years ago

It's hard to be friends with your ex's unless you have your own happy married life. It is not easy to be close as early as possible because the pain is still fresh.

$ 0.02
3 years ago

hmmm.. so when you are both married with family.. you can then be friends? As in close friends?

$ 0.00
3 years ago

Not really close but just friends.

$ 0.00
3 years ago

hmmm yeah, that's fair I think.

$ 0.00
3 years ago

What if they both decided to be as friends nalang? And wala na talagang something sa kanila. What naiinsecure lang sya kasi mas close pa rin si gf nya sa ex nya? What if ganon lang talaga sila sa isa't isa? Charowttt lang wahshahaha.

$ 0.02
3 years ago

hahah edi sila nalang magsama. Pasasakitin ko pa ba ulo ko dun? hahahah

$ 0.00
3 years ago

Hahahaha, basta bahala na sila sa buhay nila haha

$ 0.00
3 years ago

hahah ay oo ahhh... hanap iba. ahahh

$ 0.00
3 years ago

My girlfriend better not be friends with her ex...🤣🤣

$ 0.02
3 years ago

hahaha true.. but don't ask her. haha

$ 0.00
3 years ago

You can't be friends with your exes, at least not the way she seem to be with Brad

$ 0.02
3 years ago

yeah.. that connections stinks of betrayal..

$ 0.00
3 years ago

Friends like casual acquaintance hehe. But not a friend like shoulder to cry on haha

$ 0.02
User's avatar Yen
3 years ago

that's acceptable. haha this reminded me of what they used to say "a shoulder to cry on is a d*ck to ride on. " hahaha

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3 years ago

Naku true hahaha.

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User's avatar Yen
3 years ago

hahaha very much! :D

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3 years ago

For me yes and no. It depends on what kind of relationship you had, how'd you breakup and what type of person is your ex.

I am still friends with some of my exes, those who I prefer to be still friends with. The other exes I prefer not to, because we had a bad relationship.

$ 0.02
3 years ago

So... what kind of friendship do you have? The friends that go out together? Or just... oh hey, that's my friend...

$ 0.00
3 years ago

We do have same circle of friends in college, we go out as a group and he's already married with my college bestfriend.

The other one, we talk occasionally cause his friends are my friends too.

It's a different story if we go out na kming dalawa lng, that's already a red flag.

$ 0.00
3 years ago

I can say that my exes are still my friends in a way of just saying hi's and hello's, or should I say civil towards each other. Too closed is a no no especially infront of my current relationship. Though some maintain their closeness to their exes which is for me is not a good idea if you already in steady to someone. Its just my thought prof hope you dont mind hehe

$ 0.02
3 years ago

I guess that's only normal. Friends for the sake of calling each other friends. But not the close friend you can do silly things with

$ 0.00
3 years ago

Its a no for me hahahaha.

$ 0.02
3 years ago

haha fair enough.

$ 0.00
3 years ago

Word for today: lugubrious haha

Well, in my opinion, I don't think ex can be friends again. Not unless the other one still has feelings for her/his ex. That might be the situation. Some cases though accepted their breakups and opted to be just friends, real friends. But seldom to happen, lol.

$ 0.02
3 years ago

Hahaha, keep that word. :) that's inspired by you. ahaha

Oooh! Exactly! If a former couple says that "we're friends" and they both agree with that, chances are, one of them is lying. LOL

$ 0.00
3 years ago

For me yes ,pd lalo na at wala kang dapat ikahiya sa kanyà ,wala naman na masama na maging magkaibigan uli kayo basta di na nga lng close gaya ng dati.

$ 0.02
3 years ago

ah yeah. friends as in ung friend mo .. kasi awkward naman kung wala na lang siya basta sayo. Pero, ung close? Malabo un.

$ 0.00
3 years ago

Oo dapat friend na lng talaga huwag na mag close , kase baka mag kabalikan

$ 0.00
3 years ago

oh diba?? may tendency. hahaha

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3 years ago

Perhaps the way they ended the relationship was not so tragic, if any in ending it is saved from not being. Only at that point can they become friends. But friends, of the good ones, much more difficult. That rupture always remains inside.

$ 0.02
3 years ago

I think breaking up amicably could also give rise to even more complications... there will always be that lingering "what ifs" "should we"?

$ 0.00
3 years ago