Dear Prof,
My friends called me out one day and they thought that I was acting a bit strange and a bit down. They told me that I seemed more lugubrious than usual. At first, I told them that it was nothing and that it was nothing more than my reaction to the weather but I guess they had caught me lying and I had no choice but to spill the beans unto them.
You see, lately, my girlfriend and I fight frequently. And it all started when she took me to a party with her friends. It was all well and good, we were enjoying the party. I went out to the pool to smoke a cigarette and when I came back I saw her talking with a guy, all friendly a little too close. I know her and I know that even that was just innocent with her.
Things took a dreary turn when I approached them and I ascertained that the guy she was all chummy with was her ex. And when I joined in on the company, they just went on ahead like I was not even there. I didn't want to show my insecurities and I didn't want to start anything there so I let it slide.
I was not the jealous type, she knew that I was not. But starting that night, I was really bothered. And then I see her from time to time smiling at her phone screen and one time I saw her notification that Brad, her ex was texting her.
And the fights started when I confronted her about it. I opened up and she just tried to explained everything and wanted me to remember that they are now just friends.
I don't know what to say, I am lost.
I guess what I want to ask is, is it really possible to be "just friends" with your past lover?
Thank you for hearing me out Prof,
Sincerely,
Olaf.
Response:
Dear Olaf,
First and foremost, let me get it out of the way, and let me just give you my approbation towards your name, Olaf. Olaf is such a unique name it's quite interesting though, I think this is just the second time that I knew somebody with that name. My Russian friend was also named as such. He likes to play in the snow and build those cute little snowmen. With that out of the way, let me get right to your question.
Can ex-lovers be friends?
That is the question eh? Well, let me give you a straight answer. No. At least that is what I believe, from my experiences and from years and years of research and studies.
But let me just get my personal views across. I don't think we want to see numbers, graphs, and statistics about this issue. I really do not think you can be "just friends" with your ex-lover.
This person who knows you inside and out, with who you have shared love and intimate moments, all of a sudden is now a bystander in your life and it's all innocent? That's impossible. That's weird. If he or she can say that with an honest heart, maybe, then just maybe, they haven't loved you as much as you think they did.
Once you truly loved a person, you will always love them. And that's what I truly believe.
Another thing why you couldn't be friends with your ex-lover is when you start to see or date other people. Let's say your group of friends in which your ex is included went out drinking or clubbing and you spotted a person who you seemed to hit it off with. Would you be comfortable doing your moves in front of your ex? I mean, you know deep down that your ex knows most of your moves and if you're the one looking at your ex making a move on another person would that really be comfortable? That's straight-up weird, in my opinion.
And if you consider your ex a friend, you can talk to them about the person you are currently seeing or the person you currently want to date right? Well, why not? After all, you're friends. Maybe your ex can give you a piece of objective advice. Sarcasm aside, I don't think it's best or it's even healthy to be friends with a past lover, after all a lot of people will say that the only reason you stay friends with your ex is the possibility of sex. Go on, ask around. No matter how amicable your breakup is, no one will ever say, "oh let's still be close friends, you're a big part of me, I need you for innocent stuff."
Of course, as they say, "to every rule is an exception". I think it would be acceptable if before they were lovers, they were really close friends like childhood friends, best of friends or whatever, I think it's acceptable to be "friends" per se, but to be as close as before, I don't think so. Maybe you are "friends" just to be friends, but it will never be the same. You may still be close, but not that close.
In your situation, I think it's best that you clear your head first, relax, and when you are calm talk with your significant other. Let them know how you really feel and how you are uncomfortable with the situation. A little honesty could go a long way, but also be prepared to be countered with "insecurity" remarks. In a way, you need to find a compromise or just call the whole thing off. There's just no sense in continuing a relationship where you can't and won't hear each other out.
So, good luck, and may your heart find what it's looking for.
Love,
Professor
Oh ahoy!!
Another intriguing entry from the Professor's mailbox and what a riveting response that was. Who knew that the professor has such a personal opinion on the matter. I wonder what those experiences he was pertaining to. I'm quite captivated and my mind is titillating at the thought of it.
And if you are not yet familiar with this series, or you wanted to read the past publications you may want to visit this article for the complete collection: Letters of the Heart. The interesting thing is, you can submit your letters or questions to the Prof too, and he is more than willing to give you his advice or opinions. All you have to do is just drop in on the comments or find me at Telegram, same username, and I'll pass on the letter or the query to the professor.
I appreciate your continued support, and as usual...
Cheers!!!
Series : Letters of the Heart
Episode : 015
Title : Can Exes be Friends?
Published : 12-Oct-2021
Author : © RB
This is a matter of yes and a matter of no. Yes , if your heart had truly moved on. People are different from each other as well as there will. Some had moved on because they are looking forward for a better vision and and won't past let them stuck at present because they do believe there has been a reserved one who is better or can be the best. Yes, because you were healed, forgiven and accepted the reality that those experiences taught you the best lesson in life. And lastly it's a yes if feelings are no longer exist, no matter how many times it sparks but it won't make a light. I said yes because these were my real life experiences . I don't dig and plant hatred and just wanted to be surrounded with positivism.
It's a No, if that ex brought so much pain on you that took a year or years. As what the priest stated, it's rather to forgive someone if you are sincerely ready than to forgive but you aren't. A no, because you still need a time to heal. And a big No if your present lover is not as sporty to deal with your ex. This is where respect will appear. In order to live peacefully, better focus of the present than the past. These are just based on my insights. Hoping for a consideration 😉