I wonder about it sometimes. The honesty between us actually surprises me. I did not know I still have it in me to be vulnerable with someone.
I remember I told you, I wanted to ghost you a lot in the past but you said it was no big deal. The only thing that matters for you is that I stayed.
That day, it felt like I was taking advantage of you. It felt like I was just out doing what I want because I know you would still want me. I did not want to lose that feeling.
You asked me why, one time. At first, I was confused. Why, what? Stay with you?
To be honest, I don't know.
I don't have any grand declaration of love for you. I don't even know if I have it in me to love someone that way. I'm not even sure if love is something that can ever exist between us.
Can love grows in a place full of darkness?
Well, maybe it could grow in you but I doubt it will have a place in me. My body is full of demons that I have long since gotten used to. And I know that to love someone would mean to break them.
Is it because of comfort?
I doubt it. There have been many times I have to be uncomfortable just to tell you the truth and yet, I stayed.
I don't know why.
I have thought about it a lot and yet, I just cannot string together some words that will explain the reason.
I think, it would have been better if I asked you that question.
But I am actually scared to know the answer. I made too many mistakes that it almost feels wrong when I feel happy with you.
I had been honest with my mistakes and instead of turning your back like I expected you to do, you told me you trust me.
A part of me hates it. The trust you have for me feels too fragile to be left on my own hands. It feels too pure to be trusted in my care.
I wanted to tell you, that everything my hands touch breaks. I am so good at breaking pretty things but my voice remained inside of me.
I did not want you to go. Even if it feels like I am living in a dream. Even if it feels like I am not enough for you.
Even if I stumble and exchange jokes with someone else. How could you stay when I told you I was wondering if a day will come that I will enjoy talking to someone else more than you?
I wonder. Is it because you're afraid that you might not find someone else? Or do you truly feel something just for me?
When I gave you the key to my secrets, why did you embrace me instead of feeling disgusted by the secrets I jeep within? I want to ask you that.
But what will I do if you say something that could hurt me? What if this is all just a ploy? What if you are just my karma in disguise, waiting for the perfect time to strike me down?
What if you're just like this with everyone else?
I wonder but I am too afraid to ask. I wonder if you were not afraid you asked me why. I wonder if you already know the answer that I do not even know.
I hope someday, I'd have the courage to ask you. I hope that you'll be honest with me too.
Closing words
Some random words that burst out of my mind tonight. I was not planning to write any article tonight but they refuse to be silenced so I wrote them down. Hopefully this will give me a good night's sleep. I don't think that this is based on any of my experience though. It was probably one or three other webtoons/fanfics that I read today. Or maybe it is based in my experience and I just don't wanna say it. Who knows? I am just so sleepy right now.
I don't know if the past tense means that everything between these two mysterious people is over or if even now they stayed with each other without knowing why. Do you think you can stay months with someone without knowing why?
These are just some sleepy thoughts and maybe a result of some melancholy I am feeling. When you feel that there is nothing to be had in the future, will you still gamble or will you hide behind cold treatement and pray they don't try to see just how breakable you are?
Anyway, I hope you had a nice day today. I can say that the cold brings about some sad memories as well as some nostalgic feeling. Good thing is that me and my friends had a virtual date which put me in a better mood.
If you want to read some more articles of mine, I have monthly summaries here:
September 2021 Articles Summary
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Every words and sentence has a deep meaning, when I am reading I feel the emotions you want to deliver to the readers. I hope that you are okay