There have been many times when I wanted to go into the dreamland but my body refused to go. It used to drive me insane and I would waste the whole night away just staring at the ceiling or tossing and turning on my bed. Then the sun starts peaking out and I have no choice but to face the day without sleep.
I imagine I would not win any beauty contest with how big my eyebags have gotten over the years due to not being able to sleep properly. Thankfully though, since having my own room, I have been able to sleep more and earlier too.
Thank you for the kindness you keep showing me.However, there are times when I just could not sleep even if I did all that I can. In these cases, I found that the reason why is because there is something running throught my mind and I just keep on adding into it until it became my focus so I can not relax anymore to sleep.
For example, one time I thought of what happened during high school that I had mostly forgotten about but I wasted my night trying to recreate the scene in my mind. I included every single detail I could remember and instead of just replaying that exact moment, it turned into replaying all that happened that day.
I found that writing it down is a good way in getting it out of my head. When I start to write these thoughts down, they usually die down that by the middle of it, I barely have any idea about what I wanted to write. But sometimes, I do get lucky and get a bit of coherent story or reflection or random thoughts out of it.
Last night, I found myself on that mood. At first, I just tried to ignore it but then I could not sleep so I gave up and just wrote the thoughts down.
September 17, 2021 (12:43 AM)
I hear the voices a lot.
This used to never happen before. I would be lying if I said that I do not when it started because, I know the exact time it did.
Years of being tied down with academic responsibilty and an unforgiving household have a way of breaking down even the strongest mind. I started talking to myself as a way to cope.
Soon enough, voices started replying to myself too. It did not bother me much because I know who those voices represent. They were all just in my mind anyway. Why would I be afraid of my own imagination.
To be honest, the voices give me hope. It gives me strength to push forward despite the fact that I can no longer see myself clearly. No, I am not going blind. It is just that life has been beating me down to much that I no longer know what to do.
Would it even matter if I pass this article needed for the journalism club? Would it even matter if I skip just for a day just to breathe? Would it even matter if I just try to escape my responsibility for once?
I thought that life is beautiful once. I used to see colorful things everywhere and find it so fascinating.
But the day I first ran from responsibilty is the day I realized that I cannot stop even for just a moment. I can never catch a break.
Doing that led me to being shouted at in front of the gates of our school. My own bestfriend, who knows how I hate being shouted at or being looked at, screamed without care because I skipped an elective class. A class where we do nothing. A class where I can just write essays and pass it off and call it a day.
Just once, I wanted to rest. Just once, I wanted to forget the pressure on me. But that dream qas crushed the moment the first word left her mouth. The moment I felt the eyes of the students going home zoom in on us. The moment she shouted more when I asked her to tone it down.
That moment replayed in my mind for hours on end. It was a good thing it was Friday. I did not have to go to school the next day. I did not have to swallow my pride and apologize for what happened just so I will not lose a friend.
I just know that I did not want to go back to that school anymore. And when Monday came, I decided to just throw all of it away. Forget what has been holding me back and just let myself try to find that rest that I have been craving for.
The trip to the hospital was blurry. I could hear whispered prayers. I could feel the embrace of the wind. I remember I cried a little when I felt that because it felt like a hug. I had wanted a hug from someone before but all I ever got was more expectation. I remembered the sound of the silence of 3AM.
I remember the way the nurses talked about me as if I could not hear them. I remember them speculating about my lovelife. Which is funny because I had none. School was my life back then. Still they look down on me as if they somehow figured it all out. I remember wanting to scream and to tell them to just leave me alone. But I stayed there sitting.
I remembered smiling and telling everyone I am okay. I remembered that my work for that elective class was trashed. The reason I was humiliated thrown away as if it was never needed. I remember going back to school and pretending to confide to my bestfriend.
Smiling until my cheeks feel like they were being carved by knives. Keeping up my happy appearance as if I did not begrudge any of them. But still, I have the voices to keep me company. It is actually a lot more now. And they cry a lot more too. They feel different too because I do not know them anymore. They sound familiar but I could never figure out why.
They keep calling my name followed by sobbing. I do not know why they are so sad. Anyway, I keep them off my mind because I am always lethargic. It has to do with the pills I am taking. They said that will make the voices go away. But I do not know why they would want to go away.
It is not like the voices told me to do it. I just really wanted to rest. It was just a convenient excuse to say I heard voices telling me to end it all than admitting that it was what I wanted.
However, that is in the past. My eyes are always heavy after that visit to the hospital. It is like my mind is always flying around. I cannot seem to focus as much as I did before. Everything is so hazy as if I am in a dream. That is a silly thought though, how could I still do mundane things if I am in a dream.
The voices always follow me. I can make out the worda sometimes. Especially in the morning. As I am preparing for the day.
"Please, wake up, Sky."
It is nice to know that the voices are looking out for me. They probably knew I was about to oversleep. The days are getting colder as well. I do not know if it is because Halloween is coming, but I keep getting chills. I also feel phantom touches on my body. A touch in the forehead as if brushing my hair out of the way. Sensation of lips hands squeezing mine. Tears falling on my arms.
These instances kept happening since I got out of the hopsital and I think I should probably go back there sometimes. But not yet, I still have a lot of things to do here after all.
End (1:11AM)
Closing words
This story is the result of me randomly thinking, what if everything that I am experiencing is not real and I am actually just in a coma somewhere. Weird thoughts but since everything has been weird for a year now, I think I will let this one pass.
This article is a lot longer than I expected because I am feeling a bit chatty today since I woke up at around 6AM. I actually wanted to go back to sleep but then I decided to just read some of your articles and post mine.
I had a hard time coming up with a title for this one since I wanted to encompass the whole article. At first, I was going to write "I hear the thing they don't" but it kinda felt off. So I settled for this title.
If you want to have a new friend to talk to about random things, feel free to reach out to me:
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I think it's really night time sleep time where our brain function a lot. We're thinking of different scenarios in our heads pretending we are the main character of our own made stories. But I don't know why she's in a state of coma.