It was never my intention to be stuck in a blackhole of memories that turned into nightmares I could not get rid of.
Perhaps if I had known about it, I would not have made the decisions I made. But alas, no matter how I wished for the past to change, time will still continue to go forward.
Thank you to my wonderful sponsors.I really do not like September which will probably reflect in how unproductive I seem to be when compared to the last months. There are just some things that I experienced this month that still sometimes haunt me in my sleep or even during the day.
But I do not want to talk about those things. I want to talk about the aftermath of those things. When things sjould have gone better and yet, it still feels like I am still stuck back in time
Two years ago, a nasty result of decision to help some finally ended. Still, the disgusting feeling of hands on me when I did not want to be touched remains. The laughter that answered my pleas still echoes in my mind. The burn of scrubbing myself too much to get rid of the feeling still feels raw.
I guess, I would never be able to get rid of it. There were times when I could forget. But during September, it feels like I am cut open and all my wounds start to bleed again for the first time. How could one get rid of the feeling of betrayal of helping someone and receiving nothing but disrespect in turn?
The start of -Ber months is usually regarded as Christmas season in the Philippines. But for me, it just means sleepless nights and nightmares when I do fall asleep.
However, being stuck in the nightmares has long since stopped being an option for me. It might come again and again, but I know that I will always be able to overcome them.
A year ago, I stopped treating playing with other people's emotions as entertainment. It seems fun the first time around, being able to flirt with 2 or more guys and them thinking I was into them. But now, I realized I was just trying to distract myself from the pain of what happened.
I used to think that having multiple people to talk to would make me feel okay. But that is not the case. Over a year ago today, I stopped a budding connection with someone who is my type (physically). And decided to stop treating it as a game. I stopped flirting for the sake of it and ghosting when i became bored. Instead, I cultivated the friendships I have and learned to recognize when I am trying to seek for outside validation of my self-worth.
It was honestly a difficult process. The temptation to look for temporary flings is hard to ignore but I managed it. It has been over a year since I last entertained multiple guys at the same time.
The lessons I learned
Difficult situations will of course offer some new realizations about certain things. For one, I realized that helping someone should not be done at the expense of myself. Doing that will just invite trouble and toxicity. So, I learned how to say no, and learned how to be more cautious of who to help.
Another thing is that, I learned how to value the people in my life. With the first part of pandemic being filled with strangers that come and go depending on my mood, I learned how to value the constants in my life.
Of course, there are more lessons the experiences taught me but I will opt to stop here since I feel sleepy again HAHA.
Closing words
This seems like a weird choice of topic to write about after not publishing an article in a while but this is the first topic that comes to mind and I just grabbed it.
That is all in the past anyway so I do not want to shy away from sharing it. I am in no means proud of what happened in the past but like I said earlier, there is not use trying to dwell on what ifs. The past is already done, I cannot change it. The best thkng I could do is learn from it and apply it in the present so that in the future, I will look back fondly into this moment instead of feeling shame for it.
Anyway, it feels great to be able to write again. I would be lying if I said I was not anle to write because I am busy. Since the first week is mostly just orientation and playing hide and seek with profs haha. But next week is probably a busy week so I am not looking forward to it. I don't know why I even chose engineering. My mind is already hurting just thinking of all the things we have to learn. The computations and theories, I could deal with but mixing programming into that is just too much for my poor brain HAHA.
Honestly, the only thing that keeps me moving forward in this course is the fact thatI do not want to lose my scholarship. Losing it means I have to pay back the stipend I received with interest so no thanks. I'd rather push through than worry about it HAHA. This is one of the times when I am not sure if the scholarship is a blessing or a curse. But since it helped me in moving forward, I will treat it as a blessing even if it does get rid of my chance of shifting.
I really like sleeping now since I know that once formal classes start, I will say goodbye to a good sleep pattern. Hopefully no one will require us to do some plates because I hate doing them HAHA. Even now, I am still thankful that we do not have Emgineering Drawing as our subject because I would have failed that spectaculatly. I have a decent handwriting but not the perfect ome that is expected for an engineering student. Well, the profs told us it will be okay since we will mostly do our work with computers. I am holding onto that words because I know that my handwriting is not as pretty as the handwriting of other engineering students. My buggest relief is that my handwriting is still better than most of the boys in our class HAHA (they are more than half of the class so yeah it is a big thing for me).
That is all that I wanted to share today. Thank you for reading!
Thank you @Jane for the sponsorship. Your support means a lot to me. I also want to thank my other sponsors who renew their sponsorships .
Thank you for reading this article!
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We always have lessons learned from the past. They are part of our lives and we need to look back to see the brighter path of tomorrow