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A year or two

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Avatar for ZehraSky
Written by   210
2 weeks ago

It was never my intention to be stuck in a blackhole of memories that turned into nightmares I could not get rid of.

Perhaps if I had known about it, I would not have made the decisions I made. But alas, no matter how I wished for the past to change, time will still continue to go forward.

Thank you to my wonderful sponsors.

I really do not like September which will probably reflect in how unproductive I seem to be when compared to the last months. There are just some things that I experienced this month that still sometimes haunt me in my sleep or even during the day.

But I do not want to talk about those things. I want to talk about the aftermath of those things. When things sjould have gone better and yet, it still feels like I am still stuck back in time

Two years ago, a nasty result of decision to help some finally ended. Still, the disgusting feeling of hands on me when I did not want to be touched remains. The laughter that answered my pleas still echoes in my mind. The burn of scrubbing myself too much to get rid of the feeling still feels raw.

I guess, I would never be able to get rid of it. There were times when I could forget. But during September, it feels like I am cut open and all my wounds start to bleed again for the first time. How could one get rid of the feeling of betrayal of helping someone and receiving nothing but disrespect in turn?

The start of -Ber months is usually regarded as Christmas season in the Philippines. But for me, it just means sleepless nights and nightmares when I do fall asleep.

However, being stuck in the nightmares has long since stopped being an option for me. It might come again and again, but I know that I will always be able to overcome them.

A year ago, I stopped treating playing with other people's emotions as entertainment. It seems fun the first time around, being able to flirt with 2 or more guys and them thinking I was into them. But now, I realized I was just trying to distract myself from the pain of what happened.

I used to think that having multiple people to talk to would make me feel okay. But that is not the case. Over a year ago today, I stopped a budding connection with someone who is my type (physically). And decided to stop treating it as a game. I stopped flirting for the sake of it and ghosting when i became bored. Instead, I cultivated the friendships I have and learned to recognize when I am trying to seek for outside validation of my self-worth.

It was honestly a difficult process. The temptation to look for temporary flings is hard to ignore but I managed it. It has been over a year since I last entertained multiple guys at the same time.

The lessons I learned

Difficult situations will of course offer some new realizations about certain things. For one, I realized that helping someone should not be done at the expense of myself. Doing that will just invite trouble and toxicity. So, I learned how to say no, and learned how to be more cautious of who to help.

Another thing is that, I learned how to value the people in my life. With the first part of pandemic being filled with strangers that come and go depending on my mood, I learned how to value the constants in my life.

Of course, there are more lessons the experiences taught me but I will opt to stop here since I feel sleepy again HAHA.

Closing words

This seems like a weird choice of topic to write about after not publishing an article in a while but this is the first topic that comes to mind and I just grabbed it.

That is all in the past anyway so I do not want to shy away from sharing it. I am in no means proud of what happened in the past but like I said earlier, there is not use trying to dwell on what ifs. The past is already done, I cannot change it. The best thkng I could do is learn from it and apply it in the present so that in the future, I will look back fondly into this moment instead of feeling shame for it.

Anyway, it feels great to be able to write again. I would be lying if I said I was not anle to write because I am busy. Since the first week is mostly just orientation and playing hide and seek with profs haha. But next week is probably a busy week so I am not looking forward to it. I don't know why I even chose engineering. My mind is already hurting just thinking of all the things we have to learn. The computations and theories, I could deal with but mixing programming into that is just too much for my poor brain HAHA.

Honestly, the only thing that keeps me moving forward in this course is the fact thatI do not want to lose my scholarship. Losing it means I have to pay back the stipend I received with interest so no thanks. I'd rather push through than worry about it HAHA. This is one of the times when I am not sure if the scholarship is a blessing or a curse. But since it helped me in moving forward, I will treat it as a blessing even if it does get rid of my chance of shifting.

I really like sleeping now since I know that once formal classes start, I will say goodbye to a good sleep pattern. Hopefully no one will require us to do some plates because I hate doing them HAHA. Even now, I am still thankful that we do not have Emgineering Drawing as our subject because I would have failed that spectaculatly. I have a decent handwriting but not the perfect ome that is expected for an engineering student. Well, the profs told us it will be okay since we will mostly do our work with computers. I am holding onto that words because I know that my handwriting is not as pretty as the handwriting of other engineering students. My buggest relief is that my handwriting is still better than most of the boys in our class HAHA (they are more than half of the class so yeah it is a big thing for me).

That is all that I wanted to share today. Thank you for reading!


Thank you @Jane for the sponsorship. Your support means a lot to me. I also want to thank my other sponsors who renew their sponsorships .



Thank you for reading this article!

If you want to read some more articles of mine, I have monthly summaries here:

August 2021 Articles Summary

July 2021 Articles Summary

June 2021 Articles Summary

May 2021 Articles Summary


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Avatar for ZehraSky
Written by   210
2 weeks ago
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Comments

We always have lessons learned from the past. They are part of our lives and we need to look back to see the brighter path of tomorrow

$ 0.03
2 weeks ago

This post from you was interested to read, sharing the past can let other to learn from it. Before you're not uncomfortable and now I can see that by sharing this ,you express and driven away those memories and feel comfortable about your life now.

$ 0.03
2 weeks ago

"I used to think that having multiple people to talk to would make me feel okay."

In my world, I'm a silent type of person, sort of introvert, a homebody. I lack social skills. That's why, I also tried hard to be with many people. But the result is not good. I can't really force myself to become an extrovert, or to be with people whom I can't really connect myself with. 😅. So I chose to be only with people who I knew, and who knew me, plus people who wanted to know me better. Hehehe.

"Saying no". For now, I don't even know how to say 'no'. Sometimes only. Like watching dramas, telling stories with friends and the likes. I can't seem to say 'no'. And the result, I end up sleeping late, and not doing the task I intended to finish for the day. Hehehe.

Nice knowing some part of your stories here in this platform and visiting mine. By the way, you wrote poetically. Hehe. God bless. 😊

$ 0.03
2 weeks ago

I am also an introvert haha, which probably plays a part into my hardship in forming stable relationships with others.

I hope that someday, you will be able to learn how to say no more times and for more important matters. I think that they will not hold it back against you too much especially if you are missing out on doing certain things just to do what they asked you to watch

$ 0.00
2 weeks ago

In reading your article I realized that everyone of us has a past nightmare that no one knows aside from ourself, it haunt us everytime that we remember them. But glad that you trying to overcome and learned a lesson from it. Just be strong, everything will be in its places soon.

$ 0.00
2 weeks ago

the disgusting feeling of hands on me when I did not want to be touched remains. The laughter that answered my pleas still echoes in my mind. The burn of scrubbing myself too much to get rid of the feeling still feels raw

I don't know pero sobrang nagiging emotional ako dito, nakikita konsya sa isipan ko saka sa sarili ko. Nararamdaman ko yung mga kamay at galaw nunv panahon na nagsusumamo akong tama na dahil sobrang natatakot nako. Yung tatawanan lang ako saka sasabihang "Walang makikinig sayo", everytime naiisip ko un hinahunt parin ako ng past like I can't move forward..I have this long scar in my hand...I have this nung time na sobrang ayaw ko sa sarili ko because of what happened, sinugatan ko sarili ko sa loob ng cr and sinusumpa buhay ko. Those hell year is a bullsht memories that I really want to disappear in my mind. Kung magkakaamnesia ako eto lang yung pinakahinihiling kong makalimutan ko. Everynight sometimes kapag tulog ako all of sudden magigising ako na nakakadama ng panic kasi nararamdaman ko ung mga kamay sa dibdib ko o hita ko and it makes me cry sometimes..I can't get rid of them in my mind. My past still hunting me

$ 0.03
2 weeks ago

I hope na we can move past it someday. Like kahit di makalimutan basta maging less frequent na lang yung mga unwanted memories

$ 0.00
2 weeks ago

I think it's great that you look at your past as something that has passed and made you a better person now. The past teaches us and we should not be ashamed of it.

$ 0.03
2 weeks ago

You did a good job sharing your feelings because now you feel comfortable. Btw, no matter how many mistakes you did in your life the thing matter is how much you learned from it. I hope you will be okay in next coming month by making your next month productive. God bless you mate.

$ 0.03
2 weeks ago

Why my thinking is linking in the song "Wake me up, when September end" Hehe...

For me the month of June i also feels like that, I don't know basta masakit ang June as akin.

$ 0.03
2 weeks ago

Something happens with you in the past would be painful for you and still you can't forget it to sleep well. But I am glad you are trying to study,to not to loss your scholarship.

$ 0.03
2 weeks ago

Oh I didn’t expect I would get your gift. Thank you😍Anyway I hope you would do well in your studies. Don’t stress yourself too much and I know you’ll be doing great again this year. Fighting!

$ 0.03
2 weeks ago