When Responsibilities As A Child Eating You: Today's Rant.

When we talking about responsibilities, what's the first thing that comes into your mind?

If you asked me, if we will talking about responsibilities my self will become stress and depressed again. It's hard to be in the place where anyone's hope is only at you. Where they will kept asking you about work, money, future plans, investment for them and others. I mean, there's nothing wrong about that but can you guys feel sometimes how you were putting pressure on someone's mind because of this things?.

Lately, I don't want to open up again. I feel like everytime I'm saying what I feel is just I'm wasting that person time, I felt like I'm just a waste of time. But yeah, the more stressed I feel, it feels like I want to vomit and I don't know why. Or I keep coughing and my chest feels heavy.

Each day, I'm waking up with the responsibilities that I need to fulfill as a child, as their child. I'm not complaining, it's just that everything's on me want a rest. I want to avoid everyone, I want to quit writing again, I want to be alone, I want to be away from gadgets, all I just want is to smell fresh air and to feel the wind breeze on my skin.

Eunoia shared that his uncle were on the worst situation because of the internal bleeding. I'm planning to take an CTscan to see if there's any internal bleeding going on inside my body because this past few days I don't feel well. I feel tired all of sudden and my operation were hurt. The only thing that's hurt is the inside of it, yes it was hurt like I felt like they were ripping inside my body. Actually, this one is worst everytime that I'm moving or doing house chores.

It's even become worst after doing laundry.

So let's go back to the topic

If were talking about responsibilities I feel stressed and depressed at the same time, why? Because they kept comparing and asking me about the things that I can't do. I'm always trying my best to give what I can give and to do what I can do, but everything is not enough. They want more, the more that even me can't exceed the limit on my own.

I'm trying to understand anything, trying to feel okay,btrying to be positive but my mind were so tired to make me stronger. Right now, I want my existence to be gone for a moment, like no one can ever remember me or what.

Maybe I'm just too stress to say this things.

I want to open up what I feel, but I can't. I don't want to waste someone's time because of this emotions, because of this nonsense emotions. At the end, I know only me can handle this, only me can makes me feel okay, only me can handle everything. But right now, I can't.

Everyday that I'm waking up, i felt like there's an option already where I want to give up and to surrender, telling my self to go on through this day and just let things happened. When they're talking to me inside the house, I'm avoiding them since I'm not in the mood and I feel tired to talk. I'm looking for a reason to understand everything but whenever I remember that I still had a lot of responsibilities to do, reality eats me.

Each day, I'm full with the thinking how can I help them, how can I give what they want, how will I do things so that they can't compare me to others, how can I do things so that I can make them feel contented?

To be honest, I'm too tired to show everything because I felt like whatever I do, I'm still not enough. That my effort are still not enough and everything is just a waste.

When I think about my responsibilities as a child and a human, and I am tired to go on.

Can you feel the feelings that you want a shoulder to cry? But you're afraid to tell even in your friends because you don't want to disturb them you don't want them to give you time because you already knew that they have their own priorities.

Ahhh, it's so funny to think that the old happy me were fading. I don't like to talk anymore, I don't like to share what I feel anymore. I feel so down HAHAHAAHHA.

I also felt sorry for ny sister, I mean, they found a cyst on her underarm. It was a 2 cyst and she's the one who's giving us money to have something to eat. I know were not her responsibilities already because it's only her 2childs who's here beside us, but still she manage to give money to feed us all.

I feel sorry because I can't help her. I already told them that if I didn't go to have a surgery maybe the money was still there. I'm so tired to hear that because of me they touched the money that were supposed to be on the future when this hard times come.

I also hear them talking that I'm only giving 1k (2)$) perweek. It's because I don't have any money, and that 20$ is from here. Still it's not enough.

And here we go, everytime I'm giving them money like 20$, all I can hear to them is, "Next time don't give if it was only a small amount.", Lmao, 20$ is a huge amount already so why would they say that to me?

I'm also thinking and still looking into positive area if I know I can't pretend any longer that I'm okay.

There are times where I want to shout that I'm already tired, that I want a break, I want a rest. I want anything to be cleared inside my head. I'm too tired, to tired to go on.

Additional Rant:

Kanina, naguusap sila dad saka si nanay. Narinig ko sinabi ni nanay kay dad na kung di ako naoperahan di naman daw magagalaw yung pera. Sana daw noon palang nagpagamot na ako, sana daw noon palang pinaagahan ko na siguro daw di nakagastos ng malaki. Sinabi ni dad na, "Hayaan mo na, nakakatulong naman sya kapag kulang pera natin.", pakiramdam ko parang mali na nandito ako sa mundo, feeling ko sobrang mali na nabuhay ako, pakiramdam ko sobrang mali na nagpaopera ako. Tapos lumabas nalang ako kase nakakahiya naman baka tanungin ako ng pamangkin ko bat nasa pinto ako, nung nakita nila akong lumabas natahimik sila.

Ngayon yung nangyare, kakain sana ako pero nawalan na ako ng gana. Di ko alam san ko ilulugar sarili ko, di ko alam san ko ilulugar buhay ko sa bahay. After ko uminom ng tubig, si nanay kinausap ako na, "Ano lumabas ka sa hawla mo?", Tapos sinabi ko nalang na nauuhaw kasi ako. Sabi niys, "Kahapon kapa di kumakain, wala kang balak kumain? Dadagdagan mo nanaman ba sakit ng ulo dito?". Tas di na ako nakasagot, hinayaan ko nalamg sya sa sasabihin nya hanggang sa sinabi niya na, "Buhay mo naman yan pero di ko alam bakit pinilit ka rin naming magpaopera kahit ayaw mo.", After nya sabihin to, di ko napigilan sarili ko kaya nasagot ko siya. Sabi ko, "Di ko naman ginustong maoperahan, di ko rin ginustong mabuhay at maging sakit ng ulo sainyo."

After ko sya masagot, tumayo si dad saka nasigawan ako. Sinabihan nyako na ayusin ko daw sumagot at baka daw nakakalimutan kong magulang ko sila. Sinabihan ako ni nanay bigla na, "Pasalamat ka at iniluwal kita, pasalamat ka at binuhay kita. Pasalamat ka at pinalaki at pinaaral kita, kaya tandaan mo na lahat ng responsibilidad mo dapat binibigay mo sa magulang mo. Pag umalis kana dito baka di na masakit ulo mo at di na sasakit ulo ko."

After nya sabihin yun dinako nagsalita at tumalikod nalang ako. Diko alam gaano kabigat sa pakiramdam ko bilang anal marinig yum sa sariling magulang ko, ayos naman kapag iba kausap nila. Ambait nila masyado kapag iba nakakausap nila pero di ko alam bakit ganyan siya pagdating sakin.

Gusto ko magopen up pero pakiramdam ko masyado akong nakakasayang ng oras ng ibang tao, kaya dito ko nalang ibubuhos at baka sakaling maging maayos pa pakiramdam ko.

Di naman ako pagod mabuhay, di ako pagod intindihin lahat. Pero napapagod ako, pagod na pagod ako gawin lahat ng bagay dahil sa mga naririnig ko. Nasasaktan ako, sobrang nasasaktan ako.

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