I feel so tired that I've slept off about three times while writing this.... not sure if it will eventually make sense by the time I'm done but I'd write it anyways.
It's still Tuesday over here, few minutes to 10.pm at the time of writing and I still feel happy, without any feeling of regrets and depression. I guess today really is a good day for me.
I sincerely hope this new feeling continues everyday; as mentioned in my article titled "a new routine for a tuesday", waking up today was like the best feeling ever, I've not felt this way in a long time, I've not been happy in over four to six months, what's the universe trying to tell me by bringing this sudden form of happiness, I wonder what's about to happen...haha.
I'm writing this as a follow up article to my previous article, a means to let my readers and subscribers know that I'm still feeling happy even tonight, I used to think I needed a therapist before I can be excited about anything again, before I can smile again, laugh again, jump up in celebration and feel like every other person; maybe I was wrong, maybe happiness is somewhere within me and it simply requires a little something to trigger it, a little something which I haven't figured out yet.
Maybe I've been bottling up my feelings for too long and i simply need to let go before I can feel good again; I mentioned being angry last night due to a little misunderstanding between I and my uncle, and I really expressed the anger for the first time in years, his wife noticed this and had to stylishly apologise on his behalf after I went into my room to relax. Right now I'm guessing my happiness today is simply psychological and due to the fact that I finally allowed my emotions to be expressed outward after a long time. I've always kept my feelings to my self; sad, happy, angry, hungry, excited, depressed, and so on...in a way that no one understands what I'm feeling or going through at the moment. My late mom (I miss you mom...you left me too early) used to complain at a point that she didn't know when I was happy or sad...but it wasn't my fault, I guess it was my temperament; I'm a phlegmatic person hence it's difficult for my emotions to be expressed on the outside, coupled with the fact that I trained myself to be this way...
I guess I've gotten so used to being cold and unexpressive that even when I deserve to be happy or excited, it just doesn't come. Maybe I don't know how to be happy anymore or maybe my brain has gotten used to being melancholic all the time.
I feel bad each time I remember the telephone conversation between I and my elder sister last year around May or June (can't remember exactly) when she told me she gained admission to Manchester university; my response was "alright", after which she had to ask if I heard what she said properly ...I guessed she didn't like my response at the time, I had to fake a new response and was like "wow, that's nice, tell me about it" and yada yada... I was happy for her but I couldn't express it because I didn't know how to.
Maybe I've been too stuck up in my shell for too long that my emotions are beginning to fail me, just maybe..maybe I need friends, maybe I need to hang out more, maybe I need to take long walks to see things from another dimension, another angle, another perspective. Maybe I simply need to travel to a place with people that share the same passion as I do, maybe this will help my interaction skills and take the depression away finally.
I woke up feeling good and happy today but I'm scared I may not wake up feeling the same way tomorrow. Maybe I shouldn't fall asleep so that this good feeling wouldn't leave me alone, maybe I should sleep for only a few hours and wake up before the depression comes back, maybe I need to wake up as a baby without knowledge of whatever is called depression. Maybe I need to wake up happy, just maybe.
Do you think something is wrong with me or maybe I require a psychologist? Your opinion matters a lot and I'd appreciate it.
Thanks for reading my unending thoughts about depression. I deserve to be happy, I do not deserve to be depressed daily......
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