An Imaginary partner: Nadine’s Fantasy

As I listened to Nadine, it became glaring that Joshua wasn’t living up to her expectations.  Joshua and Nadine have been married for about five years and unrealistic relationship expectations had been a primary cause of a lot of stress and unhappiness in their marriage.

The beginning

“It’s been 5 years of misunderstanding and sadness”, Nadine recounted. “We are just so different and He just doesn’t seem to understand what it takes to make me happy”, she added. Joshua’s frustration was also evident, He believed he had tried everything humanly possible to show Nadine love, yet Nadine didn’t feel loved by him.

Over the years, Nadine had held on to a perfect picture of what a husband should be and she didn’t seem to want to let go of those expectations. Getting Nadine to come to terms with the fact that "marriage requires some flexibility and that her dream marriage or husband wasn’t a reality” was a daunting task for me.

Let’s face it, so many of us are just like Nadine in some ways. We sometimes find it difficult to let go of some of our expectations so we insist or attempt to change our spouse. If you have been married long enough, you will realize engaging in this kind of battle more often than not results in frustration, sometimes escalates into bitterness and causes tremendous damage to our relationship.

Two worlds apart

Nadine is an introvert while Joshua is the opposite, very outgoing and sociable. Outside work Nadine expected them to spend quality time indoors together, Joshua on the other hand had a better idea- partying all night and socializing, He just wasn’t the “home type”. After several attempts without success, Nadine began to feel rejected, believing he just wasn’t enjoying her company enough to want to be with her alone.

Joshua also had his challenges with Nadine, He is very organized and tidy while Nadine was the exact opposite- always leaving her clothes and things and clothes scattered all over the place.  These were two areas where they couldn’t seem to make headway.

Joshua tried so hard to express his love but Nadine didn’t understand because her love language was different from His. Joshua learned to overlook her untidy habits with time, but didn’t understand why she wasn’t ready to make the necessary adjustments regarding him. He was revolting because He was so stressed by Nadine’s demands on him to act a certain way. All he wanted was to e himself, after all He wasn’t sleeping out, was a responsible and caring Husband and father. He just couldn’t understand why she was having a hard time accepting him for who he is. To make matters worse, Nadine stopped meeting Joshua’s needs, “why would I do the things he likes when he is not ready to do mine?” It appeared that Nadine’s love had become conditional and was only prepared to show affection when Joshua behaved a certain way.

Their relationship was heading down a slope.

My advice for Nadine

It took a lot of work to help Nadine understand that we sometimes place unrealistic expectations on our spouses, and our way of seeing things is not the only right way. Essentially, I had to help Nadine understand that she was responsible for her own happiness and that it’s unrealistic and unfair to place the burden of our happiness on our spouses because humanly speaking, they can never totally meet all our needs, and it is wrong to try to control other people’s action.

The fact remains that this goes both ways, just as our spouses will never totally meet our needs, we can’t possibly fulfill all of theirs either. Couples need to learn to be open minded and receptive to various possibilities because we are completely different beings.

I helped Nadine understand that it’s hard to communicate effectively if you are always upset, as well as the importance of understanding our spouse’s right to disagree on some issues without feeling or acting negatively.

After weeks of advice, Nadine finally made some significant adjustments. Her attitude changed and instead of wishing for more, she chose to be grateful for what they had and continually focused on their good qualities. She enjoyed the moment and lived it to the fullest. This decision instantly enriched her relationship with Joshua. Joshua felt relieved that the burden of meeting her expectations had been lifted; they both were free at last.

Things you should note

There is no perfect spouse or marriage; this does not suggest that both parties shouldn’t make an effort to be better individuals.

All relationships will experience conflict and disappointments at some point, as couples we are not likely to agree on everything so we must be prepared to resolve issues lovingly, maturely and respect each other’s right to separate opinions.

We are likely to come across some habits our spouses have that we do not like and might not be able to change.

Women need to come to terms with the fact that men don’t think, act or feel like women do. For instance, a lot of men struggle with listening to their wife’s gist, while women tend to take their time men prefer to go straight to the point.

Men can’t read minds, so sulking and acting up might not be as effective as a loving, direct heart at the appropriate time.

Conclusion

Are you forcing your spouse to meet an unrealistic standard? If you are, then it’s time to ease some of the pressure on your marriage and spouse.

Constantly comparing your marriage to other seemingly perfect marriages will make you miserable and you will end up making wrong choices. Don’t be deceived, the grass is not always green.

Thanks for reading!

My Special appreciation goes to @Olasquare the new sponsorship and @FarmGirl for always encouraging me to write.

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