Freedom: Spilling The Beans And Letting Go Of My Darkest Past

May 28, 2021

My apology for this quite long article,
but please do read every detail. Thanks

FREEDOM...

We all have the freedom of choice, freedom to think, freedom to act, we do have the freedom to speak, but also the freedom to shut our mouth and keep a secret.

A secret about the darkest part of my past that I ever wanted to bury in oblivion.

But even how hard I tried to imprison it in the past, the memory always brings it back to the present. A memory that I never wanted to divulge to anyone, not even to my closest friends, to my sisters, to my mother, and most especially not to my father. If I could only hire a physician to remove that memory in my mind, I would do that. And sometimes I'm wishing to have selective amnesia wherein only that dark past will be forgotten and won't be brought back again.

I thought of this for the nth time if I will confess this to this platform or not. Because as much as possible, I want it to remain in my dark past and never bring it up to anyone else. But the more I keep it, the more it haunts me like hell. It keeps on clawing in my mind every time I'm sad and toxic. Something that I want to dig my hand in my head and cut the painful synapses of the past. It's never break up that is too painful for me, but this secret I never spilled out.

We do have the freedom to speak, freedom to keep a secret, but we also have the freedom to let go of the darkest and painful past...

I always told that myself. That's why I'm not afraid of anything else except sickness and death. After reading an article that triggered my emotion last night and brought back the nightmare of yesterday, I just shed tears under my shower so no one can hear me weeping. To cry inside this house is unlucky but my comfort room always gives me comfort and the freedom to shed tears.

And I don't want to be down in the dumps forever as I still have a brighter future to claim. So I pulled more courage to write this article successfully without shattering my emotions into pieces. And hoping that after this day, the heavy baggage of pain I have been carrying for more than 20 years will be lighter so I could face the present better and continue pursuing my goals and my dreams.

I'm not as weak as before anymore, and I don't want this dark past to ruin my bright present and future.

I'm ready to spill the beans...

I have put too much courage to disclose this because I guess I need to. I need to let go of this darkest past that kept on clawing in my mind.

For sure you have been thinking of which article triggered my emotion and brought back my dark past while reading the introductory part, and for sure you have a hint in mind already just base on my story above and when I mentioned "dark past."

Yes, you are right! It was @Glez's article. But don't jump to a conclusion without reading the whole story yet. My dark past is not like hers, and I have never been a victim of rape but even worse to her case.

I was a victim of child abuse, to be certain, I was a victim of CHILD MOLESTATION.

And what hurts me more while recollecting this dark past was the person involved in this matter. A person whom I thought a good family member, but he turned out to be a devil that wears a mask of a smiling man.

The nightmare of yesterday...

I was only 5 or 6 years old at that time when I woke up with a nightmare, a nightmare that happened in my waking life.

My father's family side lives miles away from home and we only have communication through mobile phones. But one day, unexpected visitors paid a visit, they were my father's eldest sister and his youngest brother. That was their first and the last visit to see our family. My auntie was a great woman, a single mother of two, and a kind sister who have been longing for her brother's presence for a long time. Because ever since my father built his own family in Samar, he only visited his family in his province once, in Kalinga Apayao, when he introduced my mother to his family. Since then, he was destined to join different camps and troops and didn't even visit the burials of his parents.

I never doubt the kindness of my auntie, she even renovated our house from a native one to a semi-concrete and spacious house. I felt happy being with her, but that didn't last long as she needs to go back to her work as a teacher. I thought I will see her again, but I didn't, nor a chance to see her again since she passed away last year. Our small bondings together when she visited us were the first and last.

The youngest brother was left at home for some reason, and I thought he was as kind as my auntie so I should befriend him. At first, he was, but later I found out the reason why auntie left him on my father's strict hand. He's the black sheep of their family that needs to be separated from the goats. Meanwhile, I was as meek as a lamb and feeble to defend and stand up for myself. I was only young, innocent, and weak. A meek lamb who doesn't even understand yet everything happening around me, but I learned how to filter out the good deeds from the crimes.

One day I was left at home with my uncle, my mother bought something at the market, my father was nowhere to be found, my siblings were out playing with their friends. I'm not the kind of a kid who always likes going out, only when my friends invited me to play outside, an introverted ever since.

He gestured to me to come closer, and I thought there was nothing wrong with obeying him. We went inside the room and that's when he took advantage of my weakness. He kissed my lips but I never thought that that was normal, since I've been seeing news about child abuse, and information was absorbed in my mind. An adult kissing a kid was a crime!

I thought it will end with just a kiss, but he even touched the sensitive part of my lower body. For Pete's sake, I wished for someone to pull me out from that dark room, I wished it was just a nightmare where I can kill that incubus in my ephialtes. I breathed a sigh of relief when I heard someone coming and he parted himself from me. Tears rolled on my face but all I did was shut my mouth because the monster might kill me.

Since then I wanted to be as close as possible with my family and I hoped that my father won't go back yet to his duty, because I was already thinking of what else he can do more once my father was out of sight. It was only me, the only girl in the family along with my mother. But the pervert was clever like a monster trying to catch an innocent kid that he can toy, and I was so weak to fight with the monster. It didn't only happen once, but multiple times. It seems like a pleasure to him when touching my sensitive part. You might be thinking of a deeper one, but no, he didn't do it, he just touched the topical area of the sensitive part of my body.

My life was always been a nightmare that all I ever wanted was to wake up and forget about it.

I was always praying that my father will send him back to their province, but he even stayed longer for a few months and my father bought a pedicab for him that he can use to earn money for himself. But then the black sheep became more rebellious after joining with B.I. peer in our place. That may be the reason why my father decided to send him back to his province as he can't tame the black sheep anymore.

I felt so happy and relieved when that day happened. I was like an abductee that was able to escape from my abductor, or like a bird that has been freed from the cage. Finally, I was able to regain back my happy childhood life he once robbed. But those memories were engraved in my mind and remain indelible and cannot be washed off.

And this remained a dark secret for more than two decades...

When I grow up, that memory of my dark past keeps on coming back, especially when seeing news about child abuse, rape, and any kind of sexual harassment. And every time that happens, I become a killer, a kiler that kills a criminal.

Yes, I killed criminals, I killed them not in a literal way but in my mind. I want them to get what they deserve, unfortunately, only in my mind.

When our father taught us some self-defense and how to shot a gun, all I was thinking was to kill the monster. But then I was only a kid and that was impossible to happen. So I just prayed that one day, I will wake up without a memory of my darkest past.

I never divulge this matter to my family because I know the capability of my father. He's a soldier that kills enemies, and if I will tell him about this matter he will surely consider his own brother an enemy, an enemy that he can kill anytime. I may have hated him for being a strict father. He's strict probably because he wants to discipline us like a soldier. But he never failed to do his duty as a protector of our family. Later I realized the purpose of ruling his family with a fist because he wants us to become as strong as a soldier and disciplined citizens.

I rather keep this forever than have my uncle's blood on my father's hand. Because if that happens, it will be my worse nightmare and I might wish not to wake up anymore.

But my dark past taught me to become a stronger person...

Since then I became aloof to anyone outside our family. I have never been friendly with my co-villagers, and people in my place know me as a shy-type person even up to date. And that's one of the reasons why it's too difficult for others to gain my trust. I fully trusted no one but myself and I became more introverted even until now.

But I became stronger due to these dark experiences of the past. And I will never let any monster to touch a single strand of my hair anymore because this lady has learned how to form a fist that can knock down a monster.

I thought I can't make it to this part, but then I did without shedding tears. It only proved that I can handle the circumstances that may follow and I'm ready to let go of this darkest past. I want to free myself from being chained with the string of my nightmare of yesterday. Because I don't want this single spot of the darkness of the past to ruin my future that is meant to be brighter. I want to move on and totally bury this memory in oblivion.

For others perhaps they will rather keep this kind of secret forever because people might judge them. But I have made up my mind and continued writing until I came to this part because I want to serve this as awareness to everyone, especially to mothers and young students who are currently reading this article.

Never trust your kids to anyone further than you could throw them!!!

I know it's irrational not to trust no one but even people whom we trust can be our betrayer, a traitor, or an enemy that we don't expect.

Perhaps, the line our mothers have said when we're younger, "don't talk to strangers" truly needs to be obeyed. But who would've thought that a family member can be a monster in disguise?

This story might be shocking to you, and for sure you already understand now why a lady called @Jane has built a thick and strong wall that no one could break. Because this is my only way to protect myself from monsters, from perpetrators, from possible abductors, and my future enemies. And maybe you have noticed that I am writing articles more on inspirational/motivational articles because I always wanted to remain positive as much as I can.

I still don't have the courage to share this with my family because I don't want my mother with a heart problem to stress out and see her cry. My aging father with high blood pressure might be killed by his conscience once he found out that the perpetrator is his own brother. At least, in this way, I can lay my heavy baggage down and continue my life's journey. And if I will step on my father's land where the monster is residing, it would be at the time that he already bid his final goodbye.

Spilling the beans is not that easy, because you need to take more courage and control your deepest emotions, but I'm happy and proud that I've finally made it. I finally spilled out to others the dark secret I have kept for more than two decades. And I wished that after this day, the heavy feeling that was weighing me down will be lighter, although more secrets lie underneath my pillow, but there's no use to disclose them.

And to child abuse victims, I am here to say...

"Don't hesitate to speak out! You might be judged by the narrow-minded and hypocrites, but good people are always there to listen"

But I don't need people's empathy, because I hated it the most. I don't want people to pity me and look at me as weakling because I am strong and ready to face anything!

When @Zeshan3333 and @meitanteikudo tagged me about this prompt: Freedom initiated by @JonicaBradley, the literal Freedom article was my plan to be written. But after reading @Glez story, I have changed my mind and took the opportunity to share my own story.

Now it's my time to hear the stories about Freedom from these lovely ladies/mommies @Hanzell @Eybyoung @Jeaneth @tired_momma @Elyz2021 @Ruffa @Yen @JulyAnn @z_graeden @bmjc98 @Eirolfeam2 @Gracee @LykeLyca @eommaZel @charmingcherry08 and more users who want to join this article series.

The article should be:

• Anything about Freedom

• 100% original content

• At least 600 words

• And don't forget to tag @JonicaBradley

And I want to thank this platform for giving us the freedom to write and the freedom to speak most especially to the main sponsor sir Marc De Mesel for keeping this platform alive that gives us the freedom to do anything by the rules.

We'll be waiting and thanks for reading.

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