Yesterday if I had the courage – Today I had now.

Even though I was forced to think of a happy-based theme, it wasn't that easy as I could just jump or bump into something that is unrelated to my existence. It was just the same as I was incubating the things inside my head. Unrelated supernatural and questions that remain in my head, where I am pretending I don't know yet, in reality, it was all I got. I pretend I don't know so I won't be bothered, I pretend that it wasn't yet in my head so I got excused not knowing because I know it was for the better. Better really it is?.

I see fake and genuine smiles at this moment. I was worried and wanted to lose hope but I never showed. I understand that faking things is better, pretending you don't know is not the worst thing to do, but a good sign to cope.

I saw more people crying, my Grandfather wasn't and couldn't concentrate on what the course was. I felt some pity seeing him crying actually. Just this afternoon I saw him sleeping at the cloth-made textile cradle just in his house, it's 5 PM not that easy for in his old age of 70 he was pretending to be a strong man, thinking that nights are days they need to awake for something more important.

I hate what I am hearing from other people, I hate or I fear. I don't know either. but the thing is that I know that this will come, no one wished or wanted, no good people to think that people will die soon. No good one wanted this.

I made a plan where I won't tell or express things, that's why I started chapter one of the series again, wishing that I could divert my topics not a pain-based daily dose of thoughts. But I am just a person, I could feel the same as others, I could smell that something was wrong indeed, I could hear others' predictions, when and worst where?

What was death? I don't know either. All I know is to break the code where we were born to die. But dying is not the hardest part actually. The most crucial thing is to think about what will happen in the one that is living. Dying is part of nature, but who wanted to bring a sad legacy after the sequel of his life? 

They have been contacting each other to stay on track, staying awake and others will sleep. That's the set-up for a month now. That's the reason why I was alone for so many nights. I don't want to bring myself too, for I know that when all people get tired at night, who will be the one that will come to it in the morning.

A heavy feeling forcing me to sleep, tomorrow I will be the one that will come and help. Let others rest and make themselves tidy.

How to think about a happy topic? I don't know. Because my feelings right now weren't happy nor bright to think about. I need to write to help them, I am preparing for things that will happen. That's the reality right now.

My world now is full of negativity but I was forcing myself to think it's not. I wanted to convince my brother-cousin. We talked as normal, he was a great pretender. It's like nothing for him, but seeing him eating takes time to chew the food and it makes my heart melt.

I don't know if I just made it as a draft, I don't want to share the negativity.

Writing is a way where I could express things, re-read and change some pigment of words. Diary that was made for my hands is active because too much caffeine is already hunting my mind. I know the bad effects of caffeine, but we need to stay awake as requested by my uncle.

I agreed that tonight we shall awake as much as possible. Well, they still do not know what time I could stand, and a laptop will help me to live at least. Write and read, either.

I was alone thinking of something on the starry night, I remember to write still. I planned to skip writing again because I'm not really sure how to write in the head of negativity.

If I got the carriage to publish this article.

Thanks for reading…