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I’m fine, it just that I am not okay.

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Avatar for Eunoia
Written by   290
1 month ago

I am the type of person who just says “I’m fine”. Well saying this word is more apparent than explaining why you’re non. When you say you’re not, people look at you like the saddest person they had encountered, had you feels the way I do or do you also do what I did? It's just that I don’t want others to see how frail I am and fragile I was, for they might know how to knock me down.

Let me say this thing to you, this wasn’t fiction, it’s my life and my own life perspective. I am opened to your comment either negative or none, but the things for sure I won’t change that easily LOL.

There was a time that I choose to be blind, deaf and mute. This was just a bad thing in me and has a lot more. People around me see my cold one, yeah I think I was cold. When I don’t like people no other questioned why I don’t like them, but I don’t just judge anyone how clean or bad your past life is, I felt more comfortable talking to the people with bad past, I don’t know but there is something in their stories that is unfiltered. Why do they lie if people already knew their past? Then why do clean people tell you their secrets? Of course, they just say things that will look them clean. Agree or not?

Don’t just judge the book by its cover, that is what I always do.

Once I was talked to a pal who’s taking drugs before, he confessed to me things in his past. I don’t know but I feel so special when some people confessed things that they can’t tell to others. It’s like they trusting me very much, and I will surely pay back the trust they gave.

This happened in our University days when the newly elected President Duterte was sit in the reign and rumours about all students in college must conduct drug tests to ensure the student in safety, it makes him anxious and unable to think properly. Why? Because even he stopped it a year ago within that period, it could still find positively detected, it might cause his scholarship detained.

No one knows he was a taker, a peer pressure as usual when he was in High school. Imagine a high school student trying to surround this kind of chemical? The thing that worries him also is that when his parent will know they will kick him out when society will know maybe he will be listed in the “Tokhang” list.

Tokhang is the list of names of drug users whom they wanted to put in silence.

I choose to be blind; this was a serious attitude of mine. Well when someone betrays me and he appears back in a transition, definitely I will be blind. I can act like I don’t see that person. And when he or she calls my name, I become deaf. I don’t hear any and I won’t going to hear what words they say. Also, I become mute; when people are trying their best to communicate with me I just shut up and continue what I did. For me, that was the best revenged. Revenge.

Speaking of revenge, I always seek one. I do make sure that time comes I will double the things they do to me, call me bad dude or anything but I don’t easily forgive and forget. Were just a people and who wanted to always belittle anyways?. I do revenge for my friends, when I knew someone and he or she did something to my close friends, we will rescue LOL, I don’t know also why I am telling this but maybe it’s a sign that I now comfortable to says how had been or how was my life is...

Let's flight back to the “I’m fine” why I mentioned my friends who were taking drugs, and why I said the revenge, it makes the write more unclear right? Because these two elements are the main source of the word “I'm fine” but people didn’t hear the next words after that “It's just that I'm not okay”.

Normally I say I am fine and I was really. But the thing is that I was never okay.

Being fine is good to please other people, smile and say I am well. But some people, not just me hide the real thing through that word, maybe you also do the same, some people talking to the mirror sayings they are fine everything will going to be great but in the deep of the oceanic thoughts, they were not. But we find a way to be one, even were not that okay.

I think I writes some messy words and thoughts today, I don’t want to deduct or redo for I wanted you to decide LOL.

Maybe because we don’t really know the meaning of fine and not, or maybe you don’t get the message that I wasn’t okay right now, still say I am fine. But believed me I am fine but I wasn’t really okay at the moment but still, I am well enough to move forward. Thanks for reading…

Credit to Hybrid from Unsplash.com

 P.S Don't mind the last one haha, just a closing boost ya? hehe

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Avatar for Eunoia
Written by   290
1 month ago
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Comments

I really felt something heavy in your feelings with this article sir..And I'm really like this most of the times that I don't want to show how fragile I am for I don't want them to attack me in my wickest state..just like stabbing at my back.. There's a lot of people I know also who clean up themselves by lies and all..just for them to look clean..and I really hate those kind of people..Parang Pontiyo Pilato na naghuhugas ng kamay.

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1 month ago

Aguyy.. Sinasabi ko din yang, "I'm fine", pero ang totoo, hindi naman talaga. Yung gusto mong ilabas ang sama nang loob mo, pero hindi mo alam kung paano. Para ako'ng masisiraan nang ulo kakaisip kung pa'no maging okay ulit. (ang drama..hehe)

Hopefully, maging maayos na ang lahat sayo sir Eunoia. :) Share mo yan sa mga kaibigan mo, huwag mo'ng kimkimin, nakaka.HB daw yan.. HAHAHA. Just kidding.. :D

$ 0.01
1 month ago

Hahaha oo nga Teacher Ren ang drama hahaha

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1 month ago

lots of ppl telling me not to hold grudge to someone kasi nga daw masama yon. Well, as for me, I don't think so HAHAHA

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1 month ago

Whahah sabi nga "wag mong gagawin sa iba ang ayaw mong gawin sayu" then be ready for the revenge whahaha.

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1 month ago

You are Good in Keeping secrets, but you are not good if you are betrayed HAHAHA. Well it is your choice, we all have different bad sides and good sides. Sometimes we can't prevent to the the bad sides. Thank You for sharing your thoughts.

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1 month ago

Minsan pinipili ko rin maging tahimik, bulag at bingi. Ayaw ko magsalita kung di ako maiintindihan, alam ko na yung nangyayare pero dahilnayaw kong makita magbubulag-bulagan nalang ako, at minsan dahil sa mga salitang naririnig ko kayabgusto ko maging bingi.

$ 0.01
1 month ago

Oo ganon din ako, better to be that way kaysa pilitin mo sarili mo hehe

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1 month ago

I also felt that sir. Not okay but it's fine. We are not okay sometimes but we will say we are just to avoid questions. 😁

$ 0.01
1 month ago

Opp hehe, para like a periods in statement 😂

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1 month ago

Okay po hehe

$ 0.00
1 month ago

There are times when we choose to be silent. Because in silence it's where we find peace. Most of the time, I just keep it to myself. When I do that, people will start making stories trying to convince themselves that it's what happened. Even so, I remain quiet. I don't believe I owe an explanation to those people. Let them think, what they want. They'll just die believing on it.

$ 0.01
1 month ago

Like the song "sound of silence" hehe I liked that medley.

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1 month ago

I'm fine too. But not okay 😢 And don't know when will I be okay..

$ 0.01
1 month ago

Oww parang alam ko na why Ms. jane.. fighting lang mababawi natin yan. ☺️

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1 month ago

Not that though.. Something personal

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1 month ago

Same here, we often say "I'm fine" even though we're not okay. I love hiding my feeling specially when I am sad. It's better sometimes to keep silent.

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1 month ago

Yeah silent and endure the pain.

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1 month ago

It's okay not to be okay but it's not okay keeping it to yourself. Reach out, maybe there's someone you can vent out with.

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1 month ago

Yeah, honestly I more reaching virtual friend's hehe, you know random people in FB, they stranger and I am took for them, safe for judgement hehe

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1 month ago

Hahaha. I do it sometimes 'cause strangers will eventually forget you anyway.

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1 month ago

Hindi po kayo nag-iisa @Eunoia. I did hide my true feelings sometimes, although I am not okay I will just say I am fine. I have my reasons to conceal my real feeling, first of all, I don't want to give burden to people around me especially my loved ones, and second I don't like to give bad vibes to people like friends and colleagues. But I admit concealing one's true feelings is not easy because you might prove to people that you are fine but in your heart, you knew the fact that you are not okay.

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1 month ago

Smile can always cover everything that you really feel inside ...but saying I'm fine verbally? I believe you can still feel the pain of the person uttering these words depending on how they delivered them :)

$ 0.01
1 month ago

Indeed the pain will be present no matter what.

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1 month ago

correct..you will still notice it from the tone of the voice

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1 month ago

Sometimes it happens that we say we are fine just to avoid explanations. But what can really happen is that at that moment we are totally wrong with ourselves.

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1 month ago

That's that the negative one, we were lying for the sake of our comfort.

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1 month ago

Saying I'm fine is more convenient to avoid another questions. I am just telling the real feelings to my trusted friends. But on revenge, I am not a person who always think of that. I just wanted peace of mind, so I let go of the thought of revenge.

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1 month ago

Tama din namang, revenge is stressing hehe. Yup maybe I should just adopt that too ☺️.

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1 month ago

I have always thought that one has the right to feel bad, it is a right. It would be a big lie if we were fine all the time. This is my personal opinion. I always give myself the right to feel bad in certain moments of my life, but I don't say it to all people, only to one or two people that in the course of my life have shown me to be confident friends. The rest of the world should not care how you feel. I enjoyed reading your article. Regards

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1 month ago

Ako din. It's better to say "I am Okay". kasi it's end of convo na. It's tiring to explain why I am not, so it's better to deal with pain and struggle alone. But it should not be like that all the time. When I can't hold it in, I also try to make an effort to ask for help. Amd of course, we have God.

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1 month ago

Tama Ms. Elli wag namang palagihan. Need din natin ng kasama.

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1 month ago

I'm fine: The easiest/awkward way to end a conversation.

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1 month ago

Lahat naman siguro sinsabi yan pero deep in side hindi talaga. Tapos sasabayan mo ng ngiti para kapanipaniwala talaga.

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1 month ago

[deleted]

$ 0.00
1 month ago

Bro anyare sa account mo. Na spam ka 😱

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1 month ago

Hala bakit ganto?

$ 0.00
1 month ago