I’m fine, it just that I am not okay.

I am the type of person who just says “I’m fine”. Well saying this word is more apparent than explaining why you’re non. When you say you’re not, people look at you like the saddest person they had encountered, had you feels the way I do or do you also do what I did? It's just that I don’t want others to see how frail I am and fragile I was, for they might know how to knock me down.

Let me say this thing to you, this wasn’t fiction, it’s my life and my own life perspective. I am opened to your comment either negative or none, but the things for sure I won’t change that easily LOL.

There was a time that I choose to be blind, deaf and mute. This was just a bad thing in me and has a lot more. People around me see my cold one, yeah I think I was cold. When I don’t like people no other questioned why I don’t like them, but I don’t just judge anyone how clean or bad your past life is, I felt more comfortable talking to the people with bad past, I don’t know but there is something in their stories that is unfiltered. Why do they lie if people already knew their past? Then why do clean people tell you their secrets? Of course, they just say things that will look them clean. Agree or not?

Don’t just judge the book by its cover, that is what I always do.

Once I was talked to a pal who’s taking drugs before, he confessed to me things in his past. I don’t know but I feel so special when some people confessed things that they can’t tell to others. It’s like they trusting me very much, and I will surely pay back the trust they gave.

This happened in our University days when the newly elected President Duterte was sit in the reign and rumours about all students in college must conduct drug tests to ensure the student in safety, it makes him anxious and unable to think properly. Why? Because even he stopped it a year ago within that period, it could still find positively detected, it might cause his scholarship detained.

No one knows he was a taker, a peer pressure as usual when he was in High school. Imagine a high school student trying to surround this kind of chemical? The thing that worries him also is that when his parent will know they will kick him out when society will know maybe he will be listed in the “Tokhang” list.

Tokhang is the list of names of drug users whom they wanted to put in silence.

I choose to be blind; this was a serious attitude of mine. Well when someone betrays me and he appears back in a transition, definitely I will be blind. I can act like I don’t see that person. And when he or she calls my name, I become deaf. I don’t hear any and I won’t going to hear what words they say. Also, I become mute; when people are trying their best to communicate with me I just shut up and continue what I did. For me, that was the best revenged. Revenge.

Speaking of revenge, I always seek one. I do make sure that time comes I will double the things they do to me, call me bad dude or anything but I don’t easily forgive and forget. Were just a people and who wanted to always belittle anyways?. I do revenge for my friends, when I knew someone and he or she did something to my close friends, we will rescue LOL, I don’t know also why I am telling this but maybe it’s a sign that I now comfortable to says how had been or how was my life is...

Let's flight back to the “I’m fine” why I mentioned my friends who were taking drugs, and why I said the revenge, it makes the write more unclear right? Because these two elements are the main source of the word “I'm fine” but people didn’t hear the next words after that “It's just that I'm not okay”.

Normally I say I am fine and I was really. But the thing is that I was never okay.

Being fine is good to please other people, smile and say I am well. But some people, not just me hide the real thing through that word, maybe you also do the same, some people talking to the mirror sayings they are fine everything will going to be great but in the deep of the oceanic thoughts, they were not. But we find a way to be one, even were not that okay.

I think I writes some messy words and thoughts today, I don’t want to deduct or redo for I wanted you to decide LOL.

Maybe because we don’t really know the meaning of fine and not, or maybe you don’t get the message that I wasn’t okay right now, still say I am fine. But believed me I am fine but I wasn’t really okay at the moment but still, I am well enough to move forward. Thanks for reading…

 P.S Don't mind the last one haha, just a closing boost ya? hehe