My Ghosted Aching Heart

Sometimes, I wonder, why do we meet people at an unexpected time and location? Why do we have to get to know someone, get attached to them, and then end up crying and have a trembling mind and aching heart once they start ignoring us as if we don't exist? Or better said, when they start 'ghosting' us?

All of these are not new to me anymore. Getting to know someone. Talking to him almost every day. Sharing random stuff just so you have topics to talk about. Investing time and attention to that person. Being connected that you start to catch some feelings. And in the end, being ignored and ghosted.

In my 22 years of existence, I know I have never been in any kind of romantic relationship. But just like any other girl, I also have experienced being heartbroken.

I've been ghosted so many times that I end up asking myself, "Is there something wrong with me?"

Sometimes, I ask myself these questions: "Am I not enough? Am I not pretty enough? Am I too childish? Am I a bad person who doesn't deserve to be loved?"

I was in High School when I had my first heartbreak. I had a crush and a best friend. My crush wanted to court me and I gave him the chance to prove his intentions, even though I was not allowed to have a boyfriend at that time yet. Months later, I found out that he and my best friend are already in a relationship. Of course, I felt betrayed.

Then, in Senior High School, a guy showed his admiration to me. We talked for months. He was sweet and caring. I even thought that we would end up being in a relationship. But after a month, again, I found out that he was also talking to his childhood crush, and they ended up being in a relationship.

These two kinds of scenarios led me to build up walls to guard my heart when I step foot into my college life. My experiences with guys when I was in High School led me to have trust issues.

But when I got to college, I met another guy who was the exact opposite of who I am. He was the exact opposite of my ideal man, but this stupid little heart of mine fell for him. We would talk to each other every day, and we would go out and eat once a week. We even traveled to nearby towns using his motorcycle just so we have memories together. I almost met his parents but I refused when he asked me to meet them because I wasn't ready yet and we don't have a defined relationship for me to meet them. Then we began ignoring each other.

Years later, I met a man. I thought he was already the one. He was supportive, generous, and kind. We were almost the same. We talked for months. We shared our goals and dreams for the future. I thought we were already on the same page. But one thing I do not understand is that, why am I ghosted this time?

Whenever my friends ask me about when will I have a boyfriend, I always say that I'm gonna get married at the age of 26, that even if I haven't found "the one" yet, that's where my vision is. I don't know about other women, but I want to build my own family at that age. So if I will date, I'll be dating to marry. I'm still young but this generation's minds are horrible. It's a blessing to find someone worth it all.

This was my thinking before. But every time I assess myself, I think I'm not yet ready to be in a relationship. I am too young for love, yet too old for games. That even though I always say in some of my posts that, "One day, you will find someone", I think I still wouldn't know how to act if I find that 'someone'.

Looking back, I think one of the reasons why I always end up having a ghosted aching heart is because I am the one causing this heartache to myself.

I am too hopeless romantic that every time I get to know a guy, my mind and heart would travel to the future and create some scenarios that are impossible to happen.

But one thing that also bothers me is that, what if these guys did not actually ghost me but it's me who ghosted them. I am too good at driving people away from me that even though I want them to stay in my life, I am acting the opposite thing. Then these guys wouldn't get to handle this kind of immature attitude.

Maybe the Passenger was right, that you only know you love someone when you let him go and when he is gone.