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I stay up late at night cause he never want me to sleep
He whispered to me "cut your arms to bleed"
I closed my eyes as tears running down my cheek
I ignored what he said and I went on to sleep
When morning came, he made my day even more miserable again
It didn't stop as it told me to stab myself with a pen
I look at myself in the mirror and he was watching near
He laughed as he said "you're ugly, useless and stupid" loud and clear
I begun to hate the things I loved mostly
Growing apart from everyone but I tried to smile nicely
No one notice the tears and the fake smile
So everyone thought I'm just fine
I tried to scream and asked for help
But no one came cause I'm all alone by myself.
I stopped socialising and keep it all to myself
Cause no one else can see the devil except for myself
The jar begun to fill and I can't hold it any longer
Feels like no one else cares so I go up a little higher
I can see the buildings up here
And small people are so busy down there
I screamed "I love you mom and dad" as loudly as I could
Hear me calling your name once more
And I hope you heard, and listened before I go.
Healing is a really difficult process. When a member of my family said or did something that upset me, my tolerance and wrath levels were tested on multiple times, and one time I couldn't help but become furious and say something I knew I would later regret. When the event was over, I felt terrible and wished I hadn't reacted in that way or said what I did. But then I recalled that I'm still healing and that I'll be tested throughout this time. At the very least, I told myself, I'm learning to control and discipline myself so I don't get provoked again.
I basically pushed myself to be more persistent about not allowing someone to have such a negative impact on me. I worked on staying calm. I'm usually a calm person, but when someone tries to bring out the worst in me in order to provoke a reaction, I know how to react. But I don't want to live my life on the edge, waiting for the next member of my family to upset me by doing something stupid. I convinced myself that I deserved a better life. Because I grew up with a lot of contradictory emotions and didn't have a suitable outlet for them, I chose to mend my sentiments on the inside.
I made the choice that I would never further harm myself, my family, or even my own tiny family/kids. I don't want my toxic features, which I received as a kid from my relatives, to have an influence on my life and future.
As an outcome, I've been able to rest. And getting back on your feet is never simple. You will make mistakes on occasion, but don't be too harsh on yourself. Making errors is something we all do. Just keep going on your path to healing. You can do it. You are deserving of a better life, but you must first work on improving yourself.
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Hello! Corpsekkuno here! I just want to let you know that everything is fine and I'm only writing those stuff that I've been keeping on my mind.
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