I am Dead

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Hi! I am BCHFarmGirl here. Today I am a little bit fine and I also read many articles. Sorry I was disturbed for a couple of days so not able to write a single word here. Just now I gather some courage after reading an article by @Jeaneth. Her article, "Are You Going through Existential Crisis?" has the following words that are no less than oxygen for me.

How do you identify if you have an existential crisis?

According Sister Jeaneth research, refer to this link, you show these symptoms if you have one:

Anxiety, loneliness, depression, isolation from loved ones and friends, lack of motivation, and feeling overwhelmed.

From Jeaneth Article

Disclaimer:If you are happy!
Please skip this article 
I can't afford you started to 
cry after reading my article

I was laying on the bed like a carcass without a soul. My mother, siblings, father, aunt, and cousins came to talk to me. But my talk was like fine, nice, okay, thank you, good and talk to you later. The whole family was worried, "What happened to our cute doll BCHFarmGirl?". Everyone tried their best to find the reason. I was not able to give a single hint to them. I didn't want to reveal my inner feelings as many of them then criticize me and make jokes. Even I didn't want to show that her daughter has an inner battle of feelings. I was on the bed like I have seen the shadow of a dead angel. Time was stopped for me. I want to cry, I want to weep, I want to scream and I want to die in speedy time. I was lost in a battle of feelings. I didn't have any strength to fight again. What happened to me??. I don't know...Even I don't know till yesterday!!

Today my bestie Hira came to meet me after hearing about my condition. She is my proud and I didn't need to describe in words, "What happened to me".

Hira: Are you ready to eat yourself when a person didn't consider you able to have in his life?.

Me: Hira! Please sometimes when you get a reminder after something repeated that happened during your relationship. Didn't you have the right to heal that wounds with your tears when it becomes fresh?.

Hira! Maid! You have right but weeping and tearing will heal your wound? Or it will make you more depressed and worried.

Me: I agreed with you but you know emotions are not in our control. I want to extract my whole hate in my heart for someone. I am giving pain to my parents, siblings, and even you.

Hira: You think, if you continuously prove yourself near to death it will comfort you. I agreed it will comfort you but it is deadly for your parents.

Me: Then what can I do Hira?Hira: Simple make your life busy and didn't think more on the topic of love. Just erase all the memories in your mind linked to that person.

Me: sorry baba! I tried my best to do.

Previous yesterday, I was using my mobile. Suddenly I got local SMS from an unknown number. I usually do not reply to any unknown person. But his 2nd SMS exposed all who is there. I was feeling like the whole earth is slapped from my feet. Someone dropped me from the sky into a barren desert. He was asking for forgiveness for all the mistakes he made. I replied to one SMS and blocked," O mister! You didn't make any mistake but played with my feelings so I can't forgive you". This whole incident was like a bomb blast on me. I want to breathe more with my fast heartbeat but it looked like everything is stopped and I am not in my inner. I broke and make a huge scream and become uncontrollable. Even today before three hours I was not in my conscious state. Sometimes we become defeated by our feelings and uncontrollable thinking. The same happened to me. It was about morning time today. When my Mom entered:a

Me: Mom! Why are you weeping when I am still alive?.

Mom: You are breathing. But you are dead.

The whole story ended with these words.

Thanks for reading this too sad article, I can make myself happy due to virtual friends here that are not physically connected but by soul we are one.