I won't give up..

April 07, 2022

The world may shut down all doors of opportunities right on your face, but don't phase. God will make a way.-MommyKim

This day might be one of those days where you feel heavy, restless, helpless and kinds want to just sit and cry to your hearts content.

Fight me but I know we all have such kind of days. There were also days where you feel like you are the luckiest person on earth because you've felt like you are having all these positive energy that you can't quite succumb fully. Just like Carpenter's songs "Rainy days and Mondays" there were days we were like that.

While writing the article I published yesterday that talks about the spookiest experienced I had in the past I kept on thinking on what am I feeling ever since the start of the year.

Yes it is indeed exciting since it's the year I've turned three decade. But I've been really lonely. I guess my family and being here is what kept me going as of the moment. But aside from that, nothing can take all these burdens inside of me. I also kept asking myself "Why do I feel like I'm living in the dark? Why am I not happy? Where's that fire within me that let's me stand against everything that comes my way?" As I said we may have good days and bad days too.

Honestly, at first I thought I was just burdened. Burdened by this overwhelming responsibilities to my family, my son, at work and even at myself. I know I shouldn't complain since as I always said this is the path I choose and the challenges might be tough but nothing I can't handle.

But I also feel like I am fighting alone. Or maybe it's my selfish mind thinking that I am walking this rocky path alone.

I was asked before, why not share your problem with your sisters since you are mostly close to them but I can't seem to do it, I don't want to burden them. I don't want them doubt me for they also depend on me. I won't say that I'm now the bread winner because we are all doing our best to help the family even though they mostly depend on my salary we still help out each other.

Maybe this is just the effect of the continuous rain. The weather was gloomy and so does my heart. I sometimes have this wishful thinking that I want to vanished for like a week? a month? or maybe longer, to find my self again, to sail unto nothingness.

There's a question that I answered on how many times I kept thinking about death. Yes I think about it every single day. I've been wishing for it to stop and for someone to drag me out on that revere and save me but I know the only one who can do that is also me, alone. Reaching out to people sometimes makes me feel like I am the biggest coward and the weak amongst all. My only mask is my smile, nothing more nothing less.

I shared this before in one of my article but I just want to share what meme Vice Ganda said:

Maraming miyembro nang pamilya natin na sila ang sandigan ng pamilya, sila ang strength pero there are times yung strength nanghihina din yan ah,
so ang tanong paano yun kung ako ang lakas paano ako manghihina? ako yung lakas eh, hindi ako pwedeng manghina kasi pag nanghina ako lahat nang nakahawak sakin tutumba kaming lahat
eh okay lang sana kung ako lang yung tutumba hindi eh tutumba siya tutumba lahat .
tapos yung tutumba sila kasi natumba ako? paano mo iisipin yun, paano magiging okay sayo na tumumba siya dahil tumumba ako, mapapatawad ko ba yung sarili ko?

(there are many members of our family that they are the foundation of the family, they are the strength but there are times the strength also weakens, so the question is how is that if I am the strength how can I weaken? I'm the strength, eh, I can't be weak because when I'm weak when everyone is holding me, we'll all fall, eh, it's okay if I'm the only one who falls, he will fall, everyone will fall. then they will fall because I fell? how do you think that, how can it be okay for you that he fell because I fell, can I forgive myself?)

I won't give up, I can't give up, especially right now that my son is facing another journey in life which is his first face to face class. He is too excited and even call me about the things we need to buy that he'll be bringing to school. My simple wish is I hope I can be the one to bring him to school on his first day but I know it's impossible since it's Monday and I have an important meeting.

Haaaaaaaaah

Sorry guys, like I said it's just one of these days where I can't seem to hold it all. I don't want to cry so I just write it down. And I'll be expecting someone will go through my DM and saying she's a worthless friend lol!!!. I'm fine hahaha I need to be fine babies haha.

Thank you for reading. Will probably read your articles a little late, my advance apology guys...

Be blessed and be a blessing
@mommykim