Please, Come Back!

Do you have that someone who had leave you? Do you have someone who was on your side physically but can't feel their presence? Or maybe, can still feel their presence but it feels so different. So different from what it was before. Do you wish for them to come back? Me? I and our family was on the second one. And, like you, I was really hoping and dreaming for this person to come back to us. What am I talking about?

Well, let me share what it was happening in our family right now. Though it was a family matter, I can't think of someone who I want to share it with. So, let me just share it with you, guys. Because I believe that ... sharing something to a stranger/s was sometimes more comfortable.

Here it goes....

We are five in the family; Papa, Mama, me, my little brother and sister. Before, our family was so happy. Even though we do not have a lot of money, we can still survive. Most of the time, we eat together while having a chitchat with each other. Talking about a certain topics and sharing what had happened in our lives as we often had a day of being not together. Papa will leave to work the whole day, I and lil sis was out to attend my classes in a University and lil sis was on her school, and Mama and lil bro was left on the house doing household chores and earning money inside the house. Even though Mama and Papa earned a little money, they can still managed to give our needs and make us attend school. They were so hard working, determined, and dedicated. But, it was before.

Papa was the best man I had ever met and had in my life. He was my first love, the first man who love and accepted me along with my siblings. He was the first man who smiled at me. The first man who did his best for me to have all the best and good things that this life and world can offer.

Papa and Mama married each other way back in the year of 1999, I was still on Mama's womb by that time. Still a blood who can't live without her, until now. When they got married, Papa immediately use the money they got during their wedding to built a small house beside our grandparents' house. It was the same house wherein we are still living by now, the house who seen all the good and difficult things we've been through, the house we used to laugh our minds out, the house where we built our dreams together, and the house that we prefer to call as our home.

Papa was so hard working. He won't let a day to pass without him earning a money. He works as a baker during Mondays to Saturdays and as a tricycle driver during his day-offs. He worked in a bakery for over two decades and five years. He was so lively before, so dedicated and determined, so full of positivities and dreams, so easy to be with, so talkative, so supportive. But, it was before.... Not until, he lost his beloved work.

Papa was one of those many persons with disabilities (PWDs), he can't walk properly. His joint on his left thigh was already broken (if you had already read my article featuring Papa on Father's Day, you would know why). Now, let me tell you why he lost his work.

I was on my first year (first semester) in college, last 2019, when Papa suddenly felt this difficulties. Difficulty to stand by himself and walk, to pee, to do everything he used to do. His thigh ached and hurts so much, had a fever every other day, can't eat like he used to before, not lively and energetic anymore. It started one of the days in the month of October, 2019. He can't go to his work for over a three months. His employer was asking if when can he come back to work because they need a master baker to do the work but Papa can't say a date. Because his condition gets worse and even worst as days passes by. We can't make him go to a check-up because Mama was just the one who works for us and her earning wasn't even enough to fill in our daily needs. Not enough to give me my eighty pesos daily allowance. Until, he decided to come back to his work, but sadly, his employer won't let him. His employer had fired him, find another man to do his works, and he lost his job after.

After that, he had been jobless. It was around the month of December when he started being jobless and until now, he still was. Not totally jobless, but looks like it. After he became jobless, he also changed. And, it saddens me. Real good. So much.

He changed.

He became a sad and silent man. He still laugh with us, but it already feels so different.

He became even more serious.

His pride even become higher and higher.

He became a hot-headed man.

He became a different person.

Mama was becoming stress in life. She won't say it, but I can feel it. She can't make our family live because of her little earnings as a laundry washer. She can't but she's doing her best to make us survive everyday. But....

Papa seems to not care.

Papa won't still work even he can work regularly as a tricycle driver.

He can .... but, he don't want to.

He's gone. My Papa is gone, not physically but he's gone.

Gone my Papa who would do his very best for our family.

My Papa who will do her best to make me go to school.

My Papa who would be very willing to drive me to our school/University when it was difficult for me to commute or if I was feeling lazy to do commuting.

My Papa who was very willing to cook for us, to laugh with us.

My Papa who was so lively and easy to talk to.

My Papa who was so patient with everything he will do.

My Papa who will make our needs as his priority than his motor and other luxuries.

My Papa who was so full of love, happiness, hope, care, and dreams.

He's gone. And, it was him now.

So full of pride.

So hot-headed.

Will say what he want to say.

Do not want to work.

Will use all of his money to his motor. Seems like he don't care anymore if we have something to eat or nothing.

There were a time before that he and Mama had an argument. It was being intense so I had to interfere, I had a strong face that time, not until. Not until, he said this...

"Ganiyan naman kayo eh. Mga nakapag-aral at edukado kasi kayo."

(English: That's how you are. Because you are educated.)

I was so hurt when he had said this. My tears immediately polled in my eyes. My heart aches so much. So, I had said this to him:

"Tandaan mo 'yang sinabi mo sa'ken." (Then, I go to my room after and won't go out until it was already dinner. Just keep on crying while scrolling down on my phone.)

I was so hurt that time, so hurt that no word can describe what I had felt. I have so many questions that time, so many why's and how's. He was the top person (along with Mama) who wants me to finish my studies and be successful, so why? Why did he tell that? And, how did he managed to tell those phrase? Does he don't care about our feelings anymore? My feelings?

He don't eat with us on dinner, that very same day until lunch the next day. He don't talk to me, he don't want to because his pride was so high. So high that I can reach it anymore. He was the one who hurt my feeling but he's also the one who avoids me. Why? Even I, don't know. So, I hugged him when he was cooking. But, he don't hug me back. Even though he don't hug be back, I still said my sorry and begged him to talk to me again. He's the one who hurts me with his words, but I was the one who was begging. Why? Simply because I can't take it, my soft and fragile heart can't take it. Maybe, he got hurt too seeing his first born crying so hard, so he hug me back. Too tight. And, there. I felt I'm in peace again. Being inside his arms made me feel I'm home again.

Months had passed. His attitude becomes worst, he gets pissed in small things immediately. No weeks would passed without them (Mama and Papa) arguing with each other. A simple talk with a little (so little) misunderstanding will led to an argument. Until, it happened again...

Last Monday during lunch, we are still talking happily while eating. We was planning to go with my friend's Aunt's burial. Papa was doing some painting on his headlight's cover while I and Mama was preparing ourselves. When Papa finished doing that thing, Mama checked if it was okay to be touch because she will placed it to another area to avoid children from touching it. She thought that it was okay but, the tip of her thumb leaves a mark on it. Which made Papa pissed and angry. He paint it again but his emotions was so intense that it ate him up.

He throws the headlight cover on the floor. Go inside the house and hit it with a hammer. Leaving it so broken, so broken that it won't be used again.

Until now, I can still hear inside my head how Mama's voice broke while saying that Papa was so hot-headed. I know she cried inside our room, I know it. And, it hurts me.

It was already near in two day since that happened. He talks to us (his children), but not to Mama. Mama was the one who always reached him out whenever they had a misunderstandings or arguments, but not this time. Maybe, she was waiting for Papa to do it. Even just once....

Papa has changed. He was not the Papa we used to know. He changed .... he changed a lot. I was thinking on how, how he changed. Is it because he lost his work? Or is it because he was already aging and getting older? You know, elders who was changing their characters when they gets old. I have so many questions that I wanna asked him, but I don't have the courage. The courage to ask him and to face him being pissed at my simple questions. I wanna ask him these:

Where is my Papa? Our Papa? Mama's love of her life? Because we already miss you, so much!

Why are you changing yourself? When will our old Papa come back?

Do you have a problems that why you are changing? You can share it to us.

Do you still want to work? Because we need your help. I need your help. I will be on my third year of college next academic year, more expenses. And, I can't do it alone.

Or maybe, he was already tired ....

Tired of working.

Tired of what kind of life we have.

Tired of dreaming.

Tired of working to achieve our dreams.

But, I just want one thing. And that is, Papa to finally come back to us. So, please. Come back now, Papa! Come back to us now. Because we feels so incomplete. Come back because we are waiting and will still be waiting for you.

Maybe you would want to read my previous articles:

Unboxing My Goals: https://read.cash/@imanagrcltrst/unboxing-my-goals-980ed60a

Questions: They Are Sailing On My Mind: https://read.cash/@imanagrcltrst/questions-they-are-sailing-on-my-mind-82fd7ed5

My First Love, My Protector, My Papa: https://read.cash/@imanagrcltrst/my-first-love-my-protector-my-papa-f237a22e

'My Flaws Are Not My Fate": https://read.cash/@imanagrcltrst/my-flaws-are-not-my-fate-5412efca

Finally, I'm Back!: https://read.cash/@imanagrcltrst/finally-im-back-8dcab3b6

Or let's have a chitchat and become a friends in Noise.cash:

imanagrcltrst: https://noise.cash/u/imanagrcltrst

LOVE LOTSSSS! :)